Cracked Round-Up: Holy Shit, We Had An Election? Edition

Seriously, were we the only ones who missed it last year? That goddamn Frasier marathon on the office Netflix account just demolished our 2012.

If you're one of the poor, demented souls who didn't love the new Arrested Development, Gladstone's column might just show you the error of your ways. And since you're the kind of person who can't appreciate fine comedy, you'll probably benefit from Felix Clay's guide to ruining the mood during sex. Tom Reimann looked at the mistakes every movie monster makes while Chris Bucholz handled a very dicey stolen laundry situation. Soren Bowie shared a story about the pre-Internet origins of stupid Youtube comments and Brendan McGinley showed what happens when superhero reboots go wrong. Robert Brockway got literary on us by listing the most unjustly overshadowed sci-fi classics. John Cheese explained how regular guys ruin their first impression with women, followed by Winston Rowntree's proof that video games are the greatest art form. Ali Reed ended things on a high note with the most baffling slang phrases on earth.

ANTI HERO

5 Terrible Lessons We Learned From Superman Movies As it turns out, an alien demigod isn't exactly the best role model for kids.

Notable Comment: "Now Imagine Superman running round 'amnesia kissing' all the villains so they forget why they are bad and end up with latent homosexual urges they cant quite their finger on."

Shimrod, this is the first time we've ever wanted to see a Superman / Joker crossover.

MIGHTY BABY

5 Amazing Things You Didn't Know Babies Could Do Huh. So we actually get less powerful when we grow up and stop pooping our pants.

Notable Comment: "The anus is the first orifice to develop. That means at some point, we were all complete assholes. Some people never progress past that stage."

CY-EV understands the terrible truth of our race.

MEDICRAP

5 Famous Movie Characters Who Wasted Awesome Superpowers Y'know how rich people never seem to do anything fun with their money? This article is kinda about the same thing.

Notable Comment: "Why didn't the eagles just fly the ring into Mordor?"

We dunno, JDaTEfannnnn, maybe it had something to do with the literal millions of orcs wielding bows and ballistas?

PRIVATE LOVE

5 Things Everyone Hates (Science Says You Secretly Enjoy) The bad news is, you're a liar. The good news is, so is everyone else.

Notable Comment: "So is it normal for women to hop at IKEA with their tits hanging out because if so I might just start "shopping" there more often, also why is it that only the White womens tits are blurred yet the Black women are clearly visible? racist, hot, both?"

Slackator: both.

WORLD SHAPING

5 Insane Strategies That Won Elections and Changed History Damn. Romney and Obama really should have stepped up their game last year. We didn't get one rat argument out of that whole election.

Notable Comment: "the idiom is "þetta er rúsínan í pylsuendanum" - there is a raisin at the end of the sausage. It refers to a kind of sausage which had raisins in it, and the raisins would frequently collect at one end of the sausage, so the person who got that was lucky. It's used in contexts similar to "the icing on the cake", to indicate an unexpected bonus, and is therefore not at all baffling."

We're big fans of other cultures, anaris. But who in the crotch-bleeding fuck puts raisins in sausage?

Cody Johnston

The Terrible Trend Emerging On Youtube Click here if you like objects in the foreground!

YOU YOU YOU!

35 Famous Video Games If They Were Made in Different Eras We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Famous Characters Sold Out, Movie Posters As Seen From Another Angle, Famous Photos You Didn't Know Were Altered and Mind-Blowing Size Comparisons.