Cracked Round-Up: The Non-Prophet Edition
Scratch this one, y'all. Corporate wanted us to start a charity aimed at housing the homeless or whatever. But some wires got crossed, the word "profit" was misspelled and we ended up burning Jason from Accounting alive because he looked sorta like Jesus. Our bad, J-dizzle.
Felix Clay kicked us off with a heartwarming article about why being in love is the devil. Winston Rowntree and Amanda Mannen were next, with a look at famous songs that prove musicians don't get science. Adam Brown followed up by revealing classic albums that get too much praise and Soren Bowie revised wise proverbs for the modern world. Luke McKinney uncovered the most expensive items in online gaming while Brockway reveled in all the ways the Internet is about to improve entertainment. John Cheese looked at corporate Twitter accounts gone wrong, followed by David Wong's list of mistakes every game company makes about gamers. Luis Prada showed us common technologies movie screenwriters never get right and Felix came back to show you how to ruin a sexual encounter. Seanbaby ended our week with the most insane video game accomplishments.
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FLASHBACKS
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 Listening to "Fortunate Son" isn't required while reading this, but it'll probably be playing in your head anyway.
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Notable Comment: "The thought that people would be spitting on forcibly conscripted soliders doesn't make a ton of sense to begin with."
Oh sure, j21. We're allowed to spit on teachers and Home Depot employees, but hawk a loogie on one vet and everyone goes crazy.
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FILM SIGNS
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 Watch harder, peasant.
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Notable Comment: "THE BIG LEBOWSKI is Not "the Citizen Kane of movies." Citizen Kane is "the Citizen Kane of movies." As for not noticing the symbolism in these movies it could be b'cuz I've never bothered to see any of them."
WytZox1 didn't just miss the joke, she dove to the side to avoid it.
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ERRANT ERRORS
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 If your car has spent eight weeks with the "Check Engine Light" on, this is the article for you.
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Notable Comment: "As a proud Iowan, I find the origin of Des Moines to be... completely believable. f**k this state."
Lrush31 says all there is to say about Iowa.
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CELEBRITERRIBLE
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 From now on, we're just going to assume all our heroes are date rapists.
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Notable Comment: "And all I took away from this was that Elvis was blond."
If that's the only thing you learned from this article, SpeakInVowels, then at least we made Chuck Berry proud.
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TOO BIG
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 Maybe we'll shelf those time machine plans for a while. At least until we design a shotgun big enough for car-sized birds.
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Notable Comment: "I love boating but hate swimming in lakes because my stupid brain thinks that water that you can't see through contains giant evil man-eating monsters. Now I know what to picture when I'm out on the lake in my tiny row boat. I may never fish again. Thanks Cracked."
TimB172 has just learned Cracked's most valuable lesson: never trust water.
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Today's Topic
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 The hair always gives them away.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Famous Games Had Been Made in a Different Era, If Movie Character's Timing Had Been Slightly Off, Mind-Blowing Real Origins of Stage / Band Names and Insane Ways People Got Into Character.
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