Cracked Round-Up: Remember the Alamo? Edition
Seriously guys, does anybody remember what that whole "Alamo" thing was about? Some guy in the writer's pen thinks it's a type of beer, but Charlie in HR insists it's a breed of goat native to the Appalachian mountains. We'd check on Wikipedia, but we've been blocking them out of spite ever since they refused to accept our photoshop of Teddy Roosevelt cockpunching Genghis Khan as a legitimate historical record.
Want to relive some childhood toy memories with a sense of dawning horror? Cyriaque's column on the Aliens VS. Predator cartoon can help you do that. Felix Clay sank what little faith we had in the school system with the most ridiculous reasons students have been expelled. Soren Bowie followed up by exposing the meaningless words that trick you into buying bad food while Chris Bucholz looked at the reasons average gamers become obsessive fanboys. Robert Brockway revealed bizarrely interchangeable celebrities and Felix Clay put together an apocalypse to-do list. Kristi Harrison explained the amazing stories behind history's most WTF photos and John Cheese mellowed us out with the types of people on welfare nobody talks about. Dana McCallum and Andrew Ivimey ended our week by showing 13 of last night's intercepted texts from superheroes
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SHOW OFF
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 Two guns may not work, but we're still optimistic about the potential of carrying three guns at once.
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Notable Comment: "Why exactly was the Desert Eagle invented?"
Well DavidFan, as best we can tell it was an experiment to see if scientists could develop an effective urine-funnel for people with micropenises that also doubled as a handgun.
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HIGHLANDERS
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 Prepare to feel jealous of small animals.
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Notable Comment: "How does a lobster bone? Wouldn't it shell? :)"
Actually, steved333, we believe they would carapace. They would carapace like bunnies on Viagra.
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FILM PROPS
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 Hey, there are only so many acceptable hospitals and mansions in the world. What's Hollywood supposed to do- build sets like a bunch of goddamn heathens?
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Notable Comment: "While Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry do look similar, I can always tell them apart because Katy looks like she's made of plastic. Her skin/makeup always looks too smooth and shiny so I'm always creeped out and turned on at the same time when I look at her."
In fairness to sseibert83, Katy Perry's skin is actually a siliconate substance. Much more durable than plastic but less reactive to friction and cocaine.
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BAD ADS
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 Recession, schmecession. Let's take out some more loans.
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Notable Comment: "Maybe the author, and Cracked, should stick to something they are good at. Leave the economics to the economists."
JohnCrafton, if there's one thing the recession has taught us, it's that economists aren't even very good at economics.
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VIOLENT NATURE
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 Because the defining characteristic of a mad scientist is pretty much "doesn't know when to leave well enough alone".
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Notable Comment: "I want to sneak into these various labs and tell each of these robots they will be permanently shut down in 24 hours. Should be fun to watch."
Voidsoul22 also enjoys prodding drunken tigers with his penis.
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Today's Topic
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 Wear headphones.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Ways Our Celebrity Obsession Will Get Even Worse, Simple Fixes to Problems Every City Should Implement, Mind-Blowing Details Hidden in Famous Artwork and Food Facts That Show Why We're Fat / Unhealthy. And this week we have a bonus $500 T-Shirt design contest: Things You'd Do If You Knew The World Was Ending
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