Cracked Round-Up: Hotober Fest Edition

You know what's REALLY wrong with America? Not enough drinking-based holidays. We've decided to make a new one. Hotober Fest is celebrated on August 31st, and it's a lot like October Fest, only it's celebrated at high noon in the dead of summer. So gather together in the sweltering heat, get sweaty and dehydrated, then start chugging warm beer as quickly as humanly possible. It's a flawless recipe for family fun!

Felix Clay launched our week with the most depressing celebrity cruises imaginable. Dan Campagna taught us about the travails of sudden fame (in Europe) while Bucholz riffed on the primitive ways we use advanced technology. Brockway introduced us to five sci-fi movies you can watch in under 10 minutes and John Cheese cleared up some misconceptions about introverts. Tom Reimann wound the mood down with inappropriately awful final performances by great actors. Adam Brown closed things out with an expose on notorious joke thieves.

FAILED FAME

The 5 Most Spectacularly Failed Attempts at Heroism Life isn't an action movie, but it is occasionally a comedy.

Notable Comment: "After reading a few of Cracked comments, I notice a handbunch of Crcked commenters don´t like to be told that Batman does not work in reality."

HelmeetElGato has just learned a critical fact about our readership.

DUMB KNOWLEDGE

The 6 Most Intriguing Stupid Questions Answered by Science Because sometimes scientists get bored.

Notable Comment: "The Romans believed trousers were the mark of a uncivilized society. Then again they lived in country thats hot, not one were it rains all the time. God knows why the Scots decided to wear kilts."

Style, G_MacK, style .

BAD LANGUAGE

5 Tiny Wording Tricks That Can Totally Change Someone's Mind Promise only to use your new powers for good. Or at least cut us in on the bad stuff.

Notable Comment: "Also, doctors renamed nuclear magnetic resonance to magnetic resonance imaging because people were scare of the word 'nuclear'."

To be honest, Rhodoferax, we're pretty scared of the word 'resonance' too.

SUDDEN BRILLIANCE

5 Classic Pop Culture Moments Actors Made Up on the Fly Hard work will get you everything but a place in pop culture history.

Notable Comment: "Fun Fact: Everyone serving National Service in the Singapore Armed Forces is shown Full Metal Jacket during their Basic Military Training. Imagine recruits about 18-24 years old watching the whole thing with their platoon Sergeants and Lieutenants in a military base..."

BryanNicholasNG just made serving in Singapore's military seem about a billion times more exciting.

MONEY PROBLEMS

5 Real People Whose Lives Were Ruined by Winning the Lottery Y'know what? We'd still take the million dollar windfall. Just to spare anyone else from this horror.

Notable Comment: "Here's the thing. I already have jars of urine, but I'm considered "crazy". But, if I had $100 billion, then I'd eccentric. What gives with the double standards?"

MorganCampbell has identified the most discriminated group in America: crazy poor people.

Dumbshit Mountain

Help Cobra Commander Raise $94 Billion on Kickstarter COBRA!

YOU YOU YOU!

19 Innovations That Would Make Dating Easier We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Things We Secretly Suspect About Other People's Jobs, If Movie Titles Were Honest (2013 Films Only), Little Reasons Everyday Life in the Past Sucked and Awesome Video Game Easter Eggs.