Cracked Round-Up: Summer Politics Edition
April's crowning in creation's vagina, but the weather outside is mild as can be. This leads to one thing above all others: people hailing the late summer as proof global warming is as dead as a coral reef. Cracked's awkwardest scientists were tasked with formulating a rebuttal, one both polite and effective. In the end, they gave us this:
1. Begin screaming
2. Continue screaming until one, or both of you dies from natural causes.
So there you go, kids. Lube up those screaming muscles and prepare to contribute to the great national dialogue.
David Wong kicked us off with six new diseases, courtesy of the Internet. Kristi Harrison brought us the creepiest coloring books on earth and Chris Bucholz kept pace with the worst error messages in technology history. Soren Bowie accidentally snuck into America from Mexico while Cyriaque acquainted us with the greatest wrestler glamour shots in history. Felix looked at the situations where we've all agreed to be assholes as John Cheese explained the surprising ways you can suck at customer service. Robert Brockway tried to cut out some unnecessary good manners, and Felix wound down by sharing the most awesomely bad comic book movies.
The Cracked staff also put out an ode to the mighty convenience store. Read it and then go buy taquitos.
|
CRAZY TINY
|
 Microscopes are like Netflix for scientists.
|
Notable Comment: "So... just giving you guys a heads up; don't look up videos of baby sharks eating their siblings in the womb if you're within three hours of eating... "
Velociraptors is correct. Unless you're about to eat seafood.
|
SEXSORED
|
 Because nothing is more terrifying than boobs.
|
Notable Comment: "This article reminds me of a funny story from World War II... during a bombing raid over Romania, this US bomber group was flying at extremely low altitude to avoid radar (probably less than 800 feet) and the bomber crews spotted a naked woman bathing in a creek... the whole bomber group nearly ended flying into the ground."
We're not even going to ask SavurofHumens for his sources. We just want to live on believing this story is true.
|
OLD BULLSHIT
|
 Contrary to all expectations, movies lie about the past too!
|
Notable Comment: "The biggest myth about the Wild West: a Will Smith summer movie cannot possibly bomb"
True, janitor25. But the world didn't need an article to believe that.
|
FULL CIRCLE
|
 Never do anything nice. That isn't just the message of this article. It's Cracked's entire mission statement.
|
Notable Comment: "Holy s**t, I had no idea that Jewell DIDN'T do it. I've totally been associating his name with that bombing ever since it happened. Fucked up shit."
Douglaschucker, the only way to make amends is by accepting responsibility for the bombing.
|
NEARLY SAD
|
 Tears only sell tickets when some sort of historical tragedy, Dicaprio, or both are involved.
|
Notable Comment: "Little Shop's original ending is by far better than the cheesy load of joyful c*m that was ejaculated into the film's audience. 'Don't feed the plants' is a lesson not truly learned if Audrey II doesn't take over the world."
FeyMous has very little faith in people.
|
Picnic face
|
 Gun genie!
|
|
YOU YOU YOU!
|
 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Everyday Problems With Sci-Fi Technology / Universes, If The Internet Ruled the World. We also have two image-macro contests this week: Amazing Explanations Behind Movie FX / Details and Mind-Blowing Things Science Can't Explain.
|
