Cracked Round-Up: Holistic Carpentry Edition
Alright, we've watered down the screws with fifteen-hundred gallons of water. They should make a bookcase any day now.
Did you know that Jay-Z is turning into Kanye West? If so, you might be Adam Tod Brown. And if you've ever spent tens of hours looking for pictures that shatter your image of celebrities, you're probably David Wong. If you're Gladstone, you spent the week meeting terrible people while finding a used car and if you're Felix Clay you look at the world's most regrettable tattoos. If you've tried to beat the heat without air conditioning, you might be Chris Bucholz. And if you've got writing exercises for struggling authors you're likely Robert Brockway. If you're Luke McKinney, your mind was blown by some math equations and if you're thinking way too much about Superman fighting Batman you're probably Cyriaque Lamar. If you're John Cheese, you spent time puzzling through the act of consoling a woman and if you're Felix Clay you closed your week with a look at the things people trade for sex.
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LONG DEAD
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 Sometimes, paleontology is a little like watching videos over shitty Internet.
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Notable Comment: "Where is King Kong fighting Godzilla? I want that fossil."
Danimal_furry is a fool to hope for that before Flinstone's fossils. We want to rub our continued existence in the Great Gazoo's stony face.
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PHONE TRICKS
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 Our terrifying future, brought to you by phones.
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Notable Comment: "Or, you can just not use a smartphone. There are plenty of cell phones that don't need an Internet connection or a camera, and no one has developed a useful app for a smartphone yet, anyway."
A damning indictment of the smartphone industry, brought to you by cuthbert51.
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PAST MISTAKES
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 We'd probably have fewer misconceptions about this sort of thing if we let something besides movies educate us on history.
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Notable Comment: "Oh dear, there are people who think Inglorious Basterds was historically accurate?"
Listen, hamsterjelly. If Quentin Tarantino didn't stick it in a movie, it might as well never have happened. History classes a century from now will be nothing but Django Unchained, Inglorious Basterds, and that stone-age kung-fu movie we hear he's about to direct.
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ANIMADNESS
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 Animals can smell fear. So if they can't smell you, you're effectively invisible.
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Notable Comment: "Wait, great whites are endangered? So... we're winning! Come on everyone, it's time to fight the good fight!"
Y'know, jec1138, it says something about mankind that we've won the war on sharks but not the war on hunger.
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LEARNING EXPERIENCES
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 Who needs microscopes and harrowing expeditions when you have Ebay?
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Notable Comment: "Thousands of unknown species of bacteria in my bellybutton? Well, I guess my Mom called that one..."
She was right about many things, YinzerJim. Including the fact that everything you did last night was a sin.
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CRACKED Staff
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 If only this was the whole series.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Corporate Mascots Were More Fitting to the Company, Plot Twists That Would Have Redeemed TV Shows, Famous Actors and the Roles You Didn't Know and Mind-Blowing Time Comparisons.
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