Cracked Round-Up: The 2013 Tapeworm Racing Championship
Shit. Y'know, this really was a better idea on paper than it proved to be in execution. Hacksaws are not precision instruments and interns do bleed. We had some debates about that one.
Upside? Most of the tapeworms survived.
Gladstone cleared Space Shuttle Cracked for orbit with the six steps to rocking out over 40. Felix Clay looked at the seemingly innocent things you should hide from the world. Brendan McGinley offered solutions to America's biggest problems. Gladstone circled back into our orbit with the five craziest things people are doing with dead animals and Robert Brockway explained why we should accept some made-up words. John Cheese relayed the worst Valentine's Day dinner ever while Daniel O'Brien revealed the three fictional presidents we could use right now. Soren Bowie closed us off with four shows The CW should make next.
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BAD ENDS
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 Overanalyzing pop culture until it gets depressing is basically Cracked's mission statement.
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Notable Comment: "In Simba's defence, a lot of those hyenas probably burned to death while they were gorging themselves on Scar."
Septimus7 makes everything a little less depressing!
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NON-HISTORY
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 "History is but the fart of a sleeping giant."- Immanuel Kant
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Notable Comment: "Hold on! Brontosaurus (brontosaurii??) had to exist! The Flintstones taught me about brontosaurus burgers, and I for one know that everything on the Flintstones was historically accurate!"
Tyrstag isn't the first child Hannah-Barbara lied to, and he won't be the last.
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SHOCKING LOCATIONS
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 Enjoy life, for tomorrow you could be drenched in a flood of worms.
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Notable Comment: "If an animal falls out of the sky near me and lives it is mine. I'm keeping it."
RunningGag lives in a beautifully simple world all his own.
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MARKETEERING
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 Even a clock that gets paid to know which books succeed is wrong twice a day. Or...something like that? We're not good at this.
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Notable Comment: "When I kill myself all my mom will find in my drawer is iCarly fanfiction smut. Do they give prizes for that?"
We're sure they do on reddit, z1t23ch4.
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EASY STEPS
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 'Cause the Good Lord knows you'll have to be tricked into it.
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Notable Comment: "My problem is my job. I work at Chick-fil-A and get free food on my break. It's so hard to choose the bland fruit cup when there are delicious waffle fries."
ChipChap, working in any business where hot, greasy waffle fries are served isn't exactly slow suicide.
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AFTER HOURS
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 If you've ever looked at romantic comedies this way, you're as deeply damaged as we are.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Instagram Photos of Famous People's/Character's Food, If IKEA Made Instructions for Social Situations, If State Mottos / Signs Were Statistically Accurate and Mind-Blowing TRUE Backstories of Famous Images.
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