10 Baffling Safety Products Clearly Aimed at Paranoid People

10 Pet Emergency Evacuation Jacket

Yes, for a little less than $500 with shipping, you can dress your pet up like a baked potato to keep it safe from disasters both man-made and natural. The Pet Emergency Evacuation Jacket boasts a handle to carry your little friend to safety, as well as several built-in storage pouches, because if you're going to be carrying Admiral Whiskers through a subway collapse while he thrashes around like a panic-frenzied suitcase with rabies, the least he could do is hold your Kindle for you.

The vest is flame-retardant, a feature the website manages to point out several times without mentioning the situational disadvantage of dressing your pet in fireproof clothing that doesn't cover its legs or face.

9 Pepper Spray iPhone Case

We dare you to find just one flaw in the above invention! It's a device that makes your phone shoot out a face-melting spray -- we refuse to even entertain the idea that such a thing could go wrong.

It's real, by the way -- the Spraytect Pepper Spray iPhone Case is a hard protective shell for your smartphone capable of firing cartridges of law-enforcement-grade pepper spray. It does have several complicated safety mechanisms to prevent accidental firing (and, we suppose, to give the muggers extra time to blind you with a switchblade and make good their escape). It also unlocks endless practical joke potential, to be unleashed any time your friends insist on you taking a picture of them standing in front of some restaurant that was in an episode of Sex and the City.

Additionally, the website takes great care to point out that the pepper spray cartridge is detachable, which seems to suggest that the manufacturers are aware of how little an advantage is actually gained by gluing it to your phone. The whole "ease of access in an emergency" base was pretty well covered by the pepper spray key chain -- Spraytect seems to just be combining self-defense equipment with random things on your person, so we assume they're only a few months from unveiling a pocket light tied to a hand grenade and a wallet that shoots fire.

8 Personal Airbag

If you're an octogenarian burdened with osteoporosis and an inner ear infection, the Personal Airbag offers protection against bone-shattering confrontations with the floor and/or staircase.

For $1,400, you can strap a harness of two-and-a-half-pound self-inflating cushions to your back that will instantly swell up in response to any sudden movements. The obvious drawback is that the Personal Airbag can really only help you if you topple over backward. If your ancient knees buckle and send you falling face-first into the concrete floor of Costco, the airbag can do nothing but add its extra weight to your journey. Well, we suppose the other drawback is that once you own this, there is no way you wouldn't be constantly flinging yourself backward just to make it inflate and bounce you off the floor. Even if you can resist it sober, it'll be the very first thing you try once you've got a few beers in you.

7 CheckMate Infidelity Semen Testing Kit

The CheckMate Infidelity Test allows nervous and insecure husbands to strengthen the bonds of their marriage by dumping chemicals into their wives' panties to test for rogue semen. Because clearly, the best way to resolve serious communication breakdowns in your relationship is to buy a box on the Internet to dust your wife's vagina for fingerprints.

The CheckMate test is equal parts paranoia and utter despair, because nothing good can possibly come from its purchase -- you'll either waste $50 or find out your wife is cheating on you. Regardless, you're going to spend your evening trying to swab dried ropes of brogurt from your wife's dirty underwear pile while she's asleep in the next room.

CheckMate maintains a permanent buy-one-get-one-free promotion, presumably anticipating that the saline content of your bitter tears will contaminate the results of at least one test.

6 LaserScan Deterrent (i.e., Fake) Security System

The most important thing to note about the LaserScan Deterrent Security System is that it is not actually a security system. It doesn't have an alarm and it won't dial 911 during a home invasion ("Carry Your Ass to ADT if You Want Something Practical" is presumably the LaserScan slogan). What it will do is throw two beams of light in a continuous motion across the floor of your home or office to make it look as though you're steeling the joint against Danny Ocean.

The reasoning here is that any would-be burglar would take one look at the high-tech wizardry of those dancing laser beams and assume they're attached to the most advanced security system imaginable outside of hiring Megatron as a night watchman.

Globallink Security Solutions dubs their LaserScan system a "theft deterrent," essentially an expensive visual ruse meant to trick criminals. This would be like spending several hundred dollars on a stuffed gorilla and keeping it in the back of your car to scare thieves.

5 Radiation Detector for iPhone

If you've ever found yourself gripped with panic over the possibility of being slowly poisoned to death by invisible beams of radioactivity (which is a narrow-to-nonexistent threat for the majority of the planet), the RDTX Pro Portable Radiation Detector can easily be attached to your iPhone, bringing you consistently accurate radiation-level readings for up to 96 hours on a single charge while resting handsomely in a convenient belt holster that lets passersby know they should not attempt to speak to you for any reason.

You simply wave the wand attachment around to get a reading, which is displayed on the screen of your smartphone on a color-coded meter -- green for "safe area," yellow for "elevated radiation," and red for "both the phone and your eyeballs have melted onto your face."

4 The FaceKini

The FaceKini is a nylon bodysuit that protects against 99.9 percent of the sun's ultraviolet rays and comes in a variety of flamboyant colors sure to inspire a handful of merry chuckles from the coroner who has to peel it off your face after you've been shot to death by a hot dog vendor who thought you were trying to rob his cart.

It's most popular in the Eastern Hemisphere, where a tanned or sunburned face gives people the impression that you work outside all day and thus come from a poor social standing (although we feel that walking around in an androgynous unitard would be the more embarrassing blemish on your family name). In their defense, it is much easier to dress like a luchador than to try and coat your entire body with sunscreen.

3 The Plane Clean Air Filter

The Plane Clean Air Filter attaches to the standard overhead nozzle found in most passenger aircraft and filters out 99.5 percent of airborne bacteria and viruses, assuming you are able to carry a mysterious blue nipple through airport security and hastily stick it on the ceiling mid-flight without getting your throat chopped by an air marshal.

However, we question how effectively it can actually protect you from airborne contagion. Sure, it may filter the air shooting out of that tiny ball-jointed wind cannon, but it isn't like you're sitting in a hermetically sealed bubble -- odds are at least one of your elbows is touching someone who is actively coughing up a swirling cloud of hot disease, enveloping you and everyone else in the row. This is arguably the first time in history that a plague mask would be the more practical option.

2 Various Infidelity-Busting Hidden Cameras

Yes, it just looks like a regular ol' clock -- that's the point. It wouldn't do you much good as a "catch your spouse banging the gardener" hidden camera otherwise.

There's a large enough consumer base of people willing to spend $600 to catch their spouses in the midst of an adulterous affair that an exhaustive market has sprung up to support the demand (see "panty swab," above). If you think your husband or wife is cheating on you, you can buy a variety of hidden cameras cunningly disguised as absurdly conspicuous household items to be suddenly displayed in several prominent rooms of your home without explanation. So for instance, if you think your significant other plans on smashing pelvises with a co-worker on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace, that mantle clock will catch them dead in the act. Also, it looks like something a sea captain would keep in his cabin next to a picture of his dead mother, so if any of that applies to you, it could make a worthwhile purchase as well.

It's available at the Cheaters Spy Shop, which as the name suggests is sponsored by the TV show Cheaters (despite the fact that no person ever featured on Cheaters is likely to have a mantle or give a shit what time of day it is). Or perhaps you would prefer to go for a teddy bear with a motion sensor:

The puzzlingly named Xtreme Life Teddy Bear is perhaps better suited for catching abusive nannies than nefarious spouses, unless you normally keep stuffed animals around the house, in which case your partner is almost certainly cheating on you. Its camera is triggered by movement, sort of like a voyeuristic tyrannosaurus, so you're going to have to go through about 17 hours of people walking in and out of the room before you get to any incriminating footage of your maid pooping into your simmering pot of chili.

We can immediately give the above SecureShot Book DVR Camera credit for disguising itself as 5 pounds of ponderous reference material that no one would ever want to read. So, it is unlikely that your husband or wife would try to pull one off the shelf and discover that these books are A) attached and B) actually a camera. Of course, the converse effect is that they will immediately wonder what the hell possessed you to purchase both books and stand them proudly on your night table in a space previously occupied by J.D. Robb novels and/or stacks of Maxim.

1 The $25,000 Z.E.R.O. (Zombie Extermination, Research, and Operations) Kit

For the zombie enthusiast with a disposable income (either because your parents don't charge rent for the room over the garage or because you have to spend the last of that ransom money before the FBI can trace it back to you), OpticsPlanet.com offers a can't-lose trade of $25,000 for their Zombie Extermination, Research, and Operations Kit, because at this point in your life, dropping that much cash on a fantasy costume box is probably not the most self-destructive decision you have ever made.

The Z.E.R.O. kit doesn't actually come with any guns, which you would think might come in handy during an outbreak of the undead, but it is stuffed full to bursting with camouflage outfits, a couple of toolboxes bedazzled with neon green ZOMBIE logos, and 600 batteries, just in case you needed more of a reminder that you could've bought a car instead. The commercial even seems to be calling you an asshole for considering the purchase:

The "research" portion of Z.E.R.O. appears to consist of some oversized pictures of people in zombie makeup, as it would have been impossible to include photographs of actual zombies because zombies do not exist. It also has a microscope for the examination of diseased blood samples to assist in finding a cure for any of your loved ones stricken with the zombie plague, the irony being that if you are the type of person who would spend a year's salary on a zombie dress-up kit, you probably murdered your family long ago.

For hilarious 130-character B.S., follow Stephen West on Twitter or check out his awesome blog.

For more ways to part a fool and his money, check out 5 'Luxury' Toys for the Children of Wealthy Douchebags and 14 'Luxury' Sex Toys for the Extremely Rich and Creepy.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Series of Pictures That Prove Heidi Klum Is a Superhero.