Cracked Round-Up: Jingling Bells Of Madness Edition

The holidays are a special time for families, but they're also a special time for employers and their employees. Here at Cracked we like to ring in the new with a little bit of old fashioned caroling. Unfortunately, the bulk of our employees aren't capable of simultaneously singing and writing high caliber Internet comedy. For the solution to this conundrum, we turned to science.

Step One was to kidnap a family of Howler monkeys and smuggle them into the U.S. via semi. Upon arrival, we learned that Howler monkeys are violently territorial and should not be confined in close quarters for hours at a time.

Step Two was to hose the semis out and hold several adorable funerals.

Step Three was to kidnap Capuchin monkeys, which smuggle much easier, and smuggle them into the country.

Step Four was teaching them to sing, through a combination of experimental throat surgeries and hundreds of hours of exposure to Bing Crosby films.

Several dozen monkey's later, we'd learned that Christmas isn't like a cheap circus or Thai sex parlor, you can't just fake it by abusing enough simians. If truly want that Yuletide charm, you've got to shackle interns to Karaoke machines.

Cracked's new columnist Felix Clay kicked us off with the most poorly conceived sexy charity drives. Chris Bucholz followed up with mental conditions that could be mistaken for superpowers. Brockway explained ways to tell if you're creepy using the Internet and Gladstone instructed us all on Internet hate. Kristi Harrison looked at the craziest moments in the history of Christmas specials and Dan O'Brien closed us out with the 90s movie that predicted our 2012 election.

MONKEY BUSINESS

5 Shocking Ways Monkeys Are Just As Dysfunctional As Us Just in case you thought our species had some sort of a monopoly on rampant douchebaggery.

Notable Comment: "One day the monkeys and the octopi will meet, team up, and overthrow the human race with their terrifying combo of premeditation and precognition."

Papercrane, if everything we've heard about monkey meat is true, this would be the most delicious war of annihilation ever.

FILM SCHOOL'D

5 Mind-Blowing Academic Theories as Taught by Classic Movies Sit back, relax and let Professor Hollywood expand your mind.

Notable Comment: "the cave allegory is totally why I can't replay old games with s****y graphics. I've seen what they could be and that's infinitely better."

History shall know this parcel of wisdom as, 'Cujekatt's Allegory of the Persnickety Nerd'.

NEAR DEATH

5 Absurdly Fatal Injuries You Won't Believe People Survived Some people embrace death as an old friend. Others jam their thumb in his eye and start off at a dead sprint.

Notable Comment: "It truly says something horrific about humanity when our minds automatically see "beating Jews" rather than "beating Jaws". I, myself, feel terrible about it. Just to clear my conscience, I'm going to go kick the crap out of a shark now. A small one. A cute little baby shark."

Galleryuns, why do we get the feeling you're wanted by at least one nation's coast guard?

CREEPTUNES

Ill-Advised Marketing Campaigns that Backfired Hilariously Hey, every ad-man can't be Don Draper. Some of them are the dude who peed himself.

Notable Comment: "It's hard to watch male oriented media. 2/3 of the commercials on spike try to get me to buy either a bs hair growth formula or something to help me get a better erection."

In fairness, paputsa, if you're a woman your erections probably aren't all that impressive.

ASIAN SENSATION

6 People Whose Names Took On Regrettable Meanings Just think, kids. With enough dumb luck and bad decisions, this could be you!

Notable Comment: "do the people of lynchburg know that the brother of their town's founder was a murdering maniac?"

Boris Grabar, do you know what kind of shit the brother of your town's founder got up to?

CRACKED Staff

The Worst Way to Find Out Your Wife is Cheating On You Who's the guy in my mouth, Sarah?

YOU YOU YOU!

23 Rejected Final Bosses From Famous Video Games We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Worst Possible Taglines/Ads For Upcoming Movies, Christmas / Holiday Cards Too Awesome to Exist, Sarcastic Versions of Famous Album Song Titles and The Unexpected Origins of Famous Ideals / Inventions