If Twilight 5 Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

FADE IN:

EXT. WOODS - FORKS, WASHINGTON

KRISTEN STEWART is an emotionless creature of the night, an undead soul wandering a world in which she doesn't belong, consciously forcing herself to mime even the motions of breathing to appear convincingly human-like.

Also she's a VAMPIRE now.

ROBERT PATTINSON

We need to get your thirst under control. Let's run into the woods via terrible greenscreen and kill some animals near humans that I somehow can't smell despite centuries of hunting experience.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ohmigod I'm so totally a vampire right now. Thanks so much for tearing my baby out of me with your mouth and turning me into this dead man-hunting monster.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Yeah, I've got a hunk of navel stuck in my teeth, too. Anyway, now that you're wearing red contact lenses, you've got some superpowers. I need to warn you to make an effort to conceal them, even though doing so is what causes you to fail to conceal them.

KRISTEN and ROBERT go hunting while TWILIGHT FANS IN THE AUDIENCE shift uncomfortably in their seats as even THEY are starting to see how cheap the special effects are.

ROBERT PATTINSON

All right, let's head back to the house and meet up with everyone, all of whom have realized that this franchise is going to kill their careers and have simply given up. Except Taylor Lautner, who rather adorably thinks the opposite and is really giving it everything he's got.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh, right! We have a baby, we should go like be parents or whatever.

INT. VAMPIRE HOUSE

They SPEEDRUN home, walk the last 50 FEET, and see their BABY-LIKE THING.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ahhh! What the hell is that? Why is the baby CGI and the baby's head a different CGI? And is it wearing a merkin on its head?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hey, stop that, you'll hurt my darling's feelings.

KRISTEN STEWART

Your what?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Uh ... wait, it's not what it looks like.

KRISTEN STEWART

It looks like a grown man fell in love with a baby at first sight and will raise her as a parental figure until she has boobs, at which point he'll fuck her.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

OK, it's exactly what it looks like. But try to be open-minded, what Nessie and I share is special.

KRISTEN STEWART

(actual line)

YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

You seem more pissed about that than the betrothal from birth thing. I had no choice -- her real name sounds like something that oozes out of an infected wound. Anyway, it turns out that's why I was obsessed with you -- I was actually in love with your eggs.

ROBERT PATTINSON

What a handy way to explain away the complete fucking over your character got out of this whole love triangle thing!

TAYLOR hangs around anyway and eventually KRISTEN stops giving a SHIT.

ASHLEY GREENE

Guys, we can't get away with one location for the whole movie. Go take a look at the house we made or bought or have for you.

ROBERT PATTINSON

It has a bed, for all the sex we'll be doing. Boy oh boy, I sure do love heterosexual sex with female body parts!

KRISTEN STEWART

Why isn't the bed made of steel? Is there any reason to expect that our sex will be less destructive now that I'm a vampire, too?

They have VERY uncomfortable-looking sex while the camera gets close-up shots of their HAIR and NOSTRILS.

KRISTEN STEWART

That was great, BUT ONLY BECAUSE WE'RE MARRIED! I want to fuck all the time now, how will we ever distract ourselves from all this dynamite sexual chemistry we like totally have?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Well, we could do something other than continuously attending high schools. Like put some of that boiling vampire ejaculate of mine under a microscope, since it turns out I've been able to make magical vampire babies all these years.

Suddenly, TAYLOR LAUTNER interrupts the NOTHING HAPPENING to make NOTHING ELSE HAPPEN.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hey, Kristen, I know that you're fighting the urge to kill and eat humans, so I've taken the liberty of bringing your delicious human father here.

KRISTEN STEWART

Don't you need to get something out of the way first?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

It's OK, I already took off my shirt. And my pants. In front of your dad. It was in no way homoerotic.

BILLY BURKE

(entering)

Hey, pumpkin. You seem different. Were you in a box office failure about Snow White since I last saw you?

KRISTEN STEWART

Look, Dad, all you need to know is that I'm fine, I've been transformed in some mysterious and dangerous way and I now live in the woods with a creepy family you've always hated and a boy who turns into a werewolf. Can you be OK knowing nothing more?

BILLY BURKE

What? No. Seriously, has nobody working on this movie ever met a father before?

(pause)

But what fun would this wish-fulfillment fantasy be if you ever had to face any consequences for your actions? I'm pretty sure you just blinked a second set of eyelids, but I'll never speak of it again. I trust your werewolf-befriending, high-schooler-marrying judgment.

KRISTEN STEWART

Would you like to meet your suspiciously rapidly aging granddaughter or niece or whatever bullshit we're assuming you're dumb enough to swallow?

BILLY BURKE

No thanks, I saw it on the way in and I thought I was supposed to kill it with a flamethrower. Anyway, I've got to go audition for an endless stream of network television shows for the rest of my life.

(leaves)

Time passes and the CGI ALIEN BABY grows into MACKENZIE FOY. Suddenly, ASHLEY GREENE and JACKSON RATHBONE run in.

ASHLEY GREENE

Guys, Stephenie Meyer just finished the Idiot's Guide to Writing chapter on antagonists, so the Volturi are coming! The evil vampires. Not from the last movie, but the one before that. Not the Victoria vampires. The ones from Italy. They're the WORST!

PETER FACINELLI

They must think that Mackenzie is an immortal child. I don't want to spend too long explaining what that is, but here's a short clip of Dakota Fanning throwing a 5-year-old into a fire.

KRISTEN STEWART

Can't we just explain that she isn't a whatever you just said?

PETER FACINELLI

Yes, but for some reason, no.

ELIZABETH REASER

(no lines)

JACKSON RATHBONE

We have to gather our vampire friends from around the world to testify on our behalf. It's exactly what this franchise needs: even more characters, with no reason to care about them! Um, y'all.

VAMPIRE FRIENDS arrive with their own X-MEN POWERS and CULTURALLY OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPES. Each one takes a turn saying his or her one line for the benefit of whatever IDIOT AUDIENCE MEMBER picked them as their favorite character from the book.

CHRISTIAN CAMARGO

My power of sensing other powers tells me that Kristen has a power.

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah, in addition to my super-speed, I also have super-strength. I'm stronger than the guy whose only power is strength.

CHRISTIAN CAMARGO

No, you also have the power of shielding, which makes you immune to other powers!

KRISTEN STEWART

That makes no sense. Ashley is constantly able to see into my future, and my daughter is able to project her thoughts to me, both of which are vampire powers.

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, it makes perfect sense! That's why I could never read your mind!

KRISTEN STEWART

That ALSO makes no sense, because that happened before I was a vampire. Furthermore, Jackson used his mood manipulation power on me with no problem. You guys are making Heroes look coherent right now.

CHRISTIAN CAMARGO

Look, you have all the powers, OK? In addition to the three powers we've discussed, you also have a fourth power, which is that you can project your third power onto others.

KRISTEN STEWART

I have no idea how to do that, and there's no time to train me!

(pause)

OK, I can do it now.

MACKENZIE FOY convinces EVERYONE that she's not an IMMORTAL CHILD by touching their faces and sharing her thoughts.

KRISTEN STEWART

This is how she communicates sometimes, it saves a ton on screenwriters' fees. Now help us testify that she's not a threat when Michael Sheen arrives with his massive Volturi army of like 20 guys.

RAMI MALEK

Wait a second, how do we know that her power isn't just manipulating our thoughts and this isn't all a lie?

CHRISTIAN CAMARGO

Nuh uh, because I could detect it if that were her power.

RAMI MALEK

Oh.

(pause)

Wait! What if Kristen is projecting her power onto Mackenzie to shield her from your power, and Judi Shekoni is using her Jedi mind trick power on you to make it look like you're correctly detecting Mackenzie's power?!

CASEY LABOW

Stop asking questions about all this shit, we're obviously just making it up as we go! Knock it off or there'll be a Part 3!

RAMI MALEK

LET'S KILL SOME VOLTURI! WITH OUR EFFECTIVE SPEAKING SKILLS AND STRONG ARGUMENTATION!

EXT. SNOW-COVERED CLEARING

MICHAEL SHEEN, DAKOTA FANNING, MICHAEL SHEEN'S LESBIAN LOVER and the rest of the ARMY arrive dressed in high school drum major uniforms.

MICHAEL SHEEN

First things first. I need to grope the child's face after inexplicably braying like a donkey.

DAKOTA FANNING

My contract stipulates that I don't have to speak, but only stand around looking like this least threatening bad guy ever.

MICHAEL SHEEN

I can't help but notice that you're all in Braveheart position. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were gearing up for a huge battle. But since I read the book, I know that once you clear up this misunderstanding, we just leave.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Actually, you know what? Screw the book. You guys have been built up for four dreadful films now, let's do something for once. ATTACK!

FULL-SCALE VAMPIRE-WEREWOLF WAR BREAKS OUT, but there's NO BLOOD, so the MPAA can GET BENT.

AUDIENCE

NO! This doesn't happen in the book! This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!

PETER FACINELLI gets his MOTHERFUCKING HEAD RIPPED OFF and is then SET ON FIRE!

AUDIENCE

NOOOO!! He was my mom's favorite!

FUCK IT, JACKSON RATHBONE gets his MOTHERFUCKING HEAD CUT OFF, TOO!

AUDIENCE

NO, NO, NO! This is all wrong!

MICHAEL SHEEN'S LESBIAN LOVER gets his FUCKING JAW RIPPED OPEN!

AUDIENCE

NOO- wait, actually, that was kind of alright ...

DAKOTA FANNING gets FED to a GODDAMN FUCKING WOLF!

AUDIENCE

YEAH! Awesome!

RAMI MALEK opens the FUCKING EARTH, and a bunch of VAMPIRES and WEREWOLVES fall into LAVA, JESUS CHRIST!

AUDIENCE

HA, FUCK YEAH!!

KRISTEN STEWART kicks MICHAEL SHEEN in the nuts and then ROBERT PATTINSON jumps on his back, causing his head to POP OFF.

AUDIENCE

YEESS!!! THIS MOVIE KICKS ASS!

But it was all a DREAM.

AUDIENCE

NO! This is the worst thing that's happened to me in the last 20 minutes!

MICHAEL SHEEN

This vision has shown me what this film would have looked like if director Bill Condon wasn't shackled by a sense of loyalty to a series of books written by a moron. I'm depressed. Let's go home, everyone.

(leaves)

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hold on, did Condon just elevate the Twilight saga into a meta-commentary on the film industry by violating audience expectations for the better, only to rip the rug out from under them and revert back to the book's story, illustrating through contrast the damaging restrictions of an over-reliance on the built-in audience of book fans while simultaneously lending support to the importance of auteur theory?

KRISTEN STEWART uses a FIFTH POWER to show ROBERT a flashback of ALL THE OTHER MOVIES.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh right, these things are swill. Never mind all that.

KRISTEN STEWART

At least they're over now. Nobody wants to hear about Twilight anymore. Nobody even wants to hear people talk shit about it anymore. This whole phase of humanity seems to have passed, let's just move on and pretend none of it ever happened.

HOLLYWOOD is unable to do so and rushes to adapt THE HOST and THAT BREE TANNER THING, as well as THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS book series.

FILM EXECUTIVES

We're geniuses, this will be just like when the success of The Lord of the Rings led to those great adaptations of The Chronicles of Narnia, His Dark Materials, The Sword of Truth, Inheritance Cycle and Percy Jackson & the Olympians!

END