Cracked Round-Up: Temperance Edition
We're looking at the end of an era, folks. Cracked has banned all forms of intoxication in our office. Sobriety police are already combing the company roster, tracking down inebriates and separating them from their vile drugs. Unfortunately, our databases only have information on prescribed drugs. So mostly we've been stealing painkillers from Ted in accounting. He broke his leg like, a week ago.
Michael Swaim broke into the office and snuck a plea for employment to the Onion up on his column. Joe Donatelli went all detective on the guys who robbed his house while Chris Bucholz showed scientists passing luck off as skill. Tom Reiman explored misleading movie posters and Cyriaque brought us the miserable experiences you can't avoid at Comic-Con. Brockway proposed a new set of jobs for Hollywood, before Adam Brown enjoyed the comforts of a shitty hotel room. John Cheese closed our week with a set of reminders the whole world could use right now.
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BAD COP
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 Holy shit, you guys. Twins are hard.
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Notable Comment: "This one time, when I was a kid, my mom called me in to the kitchen and yelled at me for spilling syrup on the floor. But heres the thing-I DIDNT DO IT, my brother did, so I ratted his ass out. So she calls my brother in, and do you what he did? HE DENIED IT!!! Bastard! Well, to make a long story short, since my mom couldnt prove who did it, she smacked the s**t out of both of us and sent us to bed."
CrackedIsWhack has a mom who knows how to parent.
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WHITEWASHING
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 Fame is awfully selective about who it absolves.
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Notable Comment: "Matthew Broderick killed two people in Northern Ireland in 1987 in what might have been a drunk driving accident. He was charged only with 'careless driving' and fined about $175."
ChrisRandolph, the funny thing is that this isn't even the reason we hate Matthew Broderick.
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CLOSE CALL!
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 We came this close to a whole shitload of incredible video games.
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Notable Comment: "What the Hell was Mao thinking? This guy has nukes and won't give any to you, so you get violent with him? If my neighbor's got the dopest fuckin' weed and won't hook me up, I'm more inclined to mow his lawn while he's at work than kick his dog in the nuts."
CarefreeT for dictator!
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MAD FOCUS
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 We suppose even killing Nazi robots is a rote, boring task to someone.
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Notable Comment: "I like how the dog in Lawn Mower is easily 2/3 the size of the garage. Apparently your dog is freakin' Clifford."
We've been thinking about this a lot, darksaber7. And we've decided this must be the house of someone who keeps dozens of dogs of different breeds in a huddled pile next to their house.
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LAWFUL
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 If you've ever felt like your peers were the absolute worst people to judge anyone, this article won't be a big surprise.
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Notable Comment: "Fantastic. I start jury duty on Monday. "
Bring a condom, dizzypdx!
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CRACKED Staff
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 Think about your surroundings, people.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Changes That Would Have Made Childhood Toys Amazing, Rejected Drafts of Video Game Obstacles, Mindblowing True Before And After Pictures and True Stories That Prove Karma is a Bitch.
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