6 Products Designed Solely to Make You a Worse Person
The beauty of the free market is that it doesn't judge you. In most American cities you can--in one shopping trip--buy a shotgun, shells, a children's swimming pool and enough tacos to fill it up, and nobody will raise an eyebrow as long as your card doesn't reject the charges.
But even the rational self-interest of the market takes the encouragement of our bad habits a bit too far. These are the products that seem specifically intended to turn us into a grave hazard to ourselves and others.
Antipoleez Mints
The next time an officer of the law pulls you over after a long night knocking 'em back at T.J. McHooligans, or some nosy cop wants to know why you're carrying a naked mannequin down main street at 4AM, ditch the vodka vapors with these hobo-breath-eliminating mints.
Ah, hold on. We spoke too soon. The website plainly says "never drink and drive" at the top. So these aren't intended to aid illegal activity at all! What were we thinking? They're probably just so you can hide your drinking from your wife, or employer, or your fellow astronauts on board the space shuttle. "Antipoleez" is probably just "breath mint" in some other language. And it has a picture of a police officer on the label because... uh...
It will make you fear the law?
Anyway, the makers of the coyly named Antipoleez breath mints tout them as having a "unique combination of components (which) work to increase the consumption of breath producing molecules by the epithelium of the mucous coat of the upper respiratory passages resulting in clean, fresh breath." Which we think is just techno babble for "black magic and bull semen." And we're damned sure it won't help you pass a breathalyzer test.
The Pissinator
You're up for that big job opportunity and suddenly "The Man" wants to pry into your "totally under control" chemically-enhanced lifestyle. Enter the Pissinator: everything you need to sail through a piss test, from designer bladder brew to an anatomically correct rubber dong.
According to the website, the device is absolutely not intended to be used for any illegal purpose, specifically drug tests. Their competition, the Whizzinator, got taken down by a federal prosecutor for selling drug paraphernalia, so you can see how the Pissinator people have to keep it on the down low (if you'd like to amuse yourself for an afternoon, try to imagine just one non-illegal, socially acceptable use of a prosthetic penis that fires someone else's urine).
All you do is strap the bag of piss under your shirt, snuggled all comfy under your armpit. A handy heat pack will keep the brew at the right temperature, and you can deposit your sample with a flow so "simple and realistic that even your own mother would not be able to detect that it is in-fact simulated." Oh, that's what it's for. So you can win the annual family Thanksgiving Piss Distance Contest without your Mom (who referees the event) noticing you're cheating. So there's one use right there.
Actually, the makers of the Pissinator also proudly advertise the device as an "ultra hygienic wet sex simulator (a.k.a. urinating device) designed for sensual pleasure." So for all you dreamers out there who prayed for the day you could play "Drug Test" with your girlfriend portraying you and you starring in the role of "toilet," your golden moment has arrived.
Stealth Pipes
So now you've found out how to pass your drug test and are free to work at your job operating heavy equipment while stoned out of your gourd. But that pre-shift bong hit surely isn't going to keep you high for the whole eight hours. And that's a huge problem, thanks to the likes of Oprah and Doctor Phil, every parent, teacher and boss knows what a bong looks like.
Fuck you.
So where does a decent, upstanding drug user hide their equipment? In plain sight, of course.
From lipstick and car keys to nuts and bolts, drug pipes can now resemble any innocent item you might find crammed into a purse or under the front seat of a Ford Pinto.
Of course, it might look a tad weird when people see you sucking on your car keys during your lunch break, but hey, you're getting high in public while they have to hide in their little caves and smoke their pot like Gollum petting his ring, so who's the awesome one? You.
And now that you've taken the edge off, you won't be all stressed out when you climb back behind the wheel of that barge and deliver that 50,000 tons of toxic waste safely to its destination.
Spoof Cards
Long before the Internet, the telephone was invented primarily for perverts and people who like to fuck with other people out of stabbing range. Little known fact: The world's first telephone conversation was not, "Mr. Watson, come in here, I want to see you," but "Mr. Watson, come in here, I want to see you... naked."
In the past, the problem with crank calling and telephonic perversion was that pesky caller ID. Worry no longer, thanks to the Spoof Card. With it, you can change your incoming caller ID number to any 10 digit number you like. Hell, make it 800-YOU-SUCK.
Once again we're sure the manufacturers have no immoral purpose in mind for this product. After all, there are all sorts of perfectly legitimate reasons you'd need to call someone anonymously that have nothing to do with, say, making anonymous threats of violence against your ex-girlfriend's new guy.
But what about your voice? Fortunately, the Spoof Card can also disguise that and promises to do so a lot more effectively than the current method of talking like Christian Bale's Batman or sucking helium from a balloon. And once more there are surely all sorts of non-illegal reasons you'd need to do that. Like if you want to call in to Glenn Beck's radio show but are afraid he'll track you down and show up at your house the next day.
The best part is you can download the Spoof Card right to your iPhone. Are you a deranged pervert with a mountain of misplaced anger? There's an app for that.
The Alibi Network
So you're planning wacky hijinks and need a cover story, something a bit more iron clad than, "I was playing World of Warcraft all night. You can check my login time, Your Honor." An air tight alibi is the golden ticket of the liar; the ultimate Get Out of Jail Free card. If only there was a "cutting edge, full service, discrete agency," that specialized in providing their conniving clientele with alibis and excuses...
Why, look at this! It's The Alibi Network!
Need to hide the fact your "business meeting in Boise" is really a gangbang in Bangkok? They can whip up an itinerary, hotel confirmation and a mock hotel answering service. Need to buy the other woman something lacy from Victoria's Secret? They'll handle the purchase and even tuck in a mushy card for you.
So whatever you need to hide and wherever it was you did it, these folks can make sure you were never there at all. And if you can't trust these guys with mountains of your incriminating data, who can you trust?
The TEC-9 Semi-Automatic
Up until this point, the shenanigans we've been talking about were mere child's play. Now it's time to step up to the big leagues with the TEC-9 semiautomatic handgun. Favored by street gangs and the Columbine shooters (who used a modified version), the gun was even featured in RoboCop. So what makes it different than any other gun? Couldn't anything be used as a weapon in the hands of a man with an evil heart?
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Well, the fine people at Intratec (TEC-9's manufacturers) advertised that the gun was "resistant to fingerprints." Oh, and they also played up the fact that it had a threaded barrel, where you could fit a silencer on it. You know, for home defense.
Unfortunately for all of you hunters who wanted to shoot some deer without fear that the other woodland animals would go CSI on the gun and take revenge, the TEC-9 is now banned. Intratec went out of business a few years ago (they were found liable after a guy used the gun in another mass shooting).
Honestly now, if the Second Amendment doesn't protect our right to do a drive-by without getting caught later, then why do we even have it? Now our only choice is to get that fingerprint-removal surgery that is now popular among criminals. Or, you know, wear gloves.
For more of Susan's work you can check out her blog at Capricia's Corner.
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For some covert means of destruction, check out The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Or check out some totally legal means of destruction (that we don't advise), in 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal.
And stop by our Top Picks to see our our collection of drug paraphernalia and contraband (most of it came from Swaim and Brockway desk).
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