Cracked Round-Up: A New Type of Presidential Debate
Since all of our staffers are either American citizens, or violent foreigners impersonating dead American citizens, we follow the national elections quite closely. And one thing we find consistently disappointing are the presidential debates. Oh sure, every now and then you get a barely literate Bush in there to spice things up. But for the most part they're just educated, erudite men arguing in the most boring way possible.
Our solution? Replace the formalized, structured "debates" with an open bar and two chairs. Both candidates must drink one full beer or one shot of liquor before answering each question. It might not increase the level of dialogue in our political system, but it'd be goddamn fantastic television.
It's fall, and that means a good number of you are just starting your first semester at college. Luke McKinney is here to make sure your time spent there isn't a waste. Next, keep on feeding your mind with Ian Fortey's look at the life lessons of old-school cartoons. After that double dose of knowledge, relax your brain with Soren's list of pointless abilities people love to brag about and Gladstone's list of the things we all want but don't deserve. Take another dose of Luke's medicinal wisdom with his explanation of why the Resident Evil movies beat the games then double-down on awe with John Cheese's space photos you won't believe aren't photoshopped. Robert Brockway keeps that awe flowing with five crazy videos of superhuman reflexes in action and Ian Fortey winds us down with the terrible implications of surviving a horror movie.
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GENIUS PHONE
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 On the downside, privacy is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. On the upside, so is shame!
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Notable Comment: "Technically, if you're photoshop savvy and extremely unscrupulous, you can already make thin clothes transparent in a picture."
Muffles was creepy as all hell before it was cool.
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COMPOUND TRAGEDY
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 Yep, it turns out the worst day ever was actually even worse.
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Notable Comment: "Actually, the people who bombed the towers were actually doing it to save much, MUCH, more people. There was a nuclear bomb in one of them that was set to go off some time on 9/11, and by destroying it, it couldn't have exploded and killed millions more people. I know this because I work for the illuminati."
Bullshit, fadi002. You know damn well the Illuminati consists solely of forty-foot-tall walrusmen who lack the appendages to handle a keyboard.
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CHILD ABUSE
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 Look, sudden unremitting terror with no warning or explanation is a valid childhood experience. It gets 'em ready for driving.
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Notable Comment: "Sorry but the title is misleading as most of these games were not marketed or made specifically for children so any horrific events are understandable."
Goddamn, GranpaX. That logic is airtight, bulletproof.
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SICK LOVE
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 Want to make elaborate, terrifying pornography but don't fancy prison time? Get some studio to write you a check and you're golden.
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Notable Comment: "That first picture of Bill Murray - is that what photomanipulation used to look like? GAH"
Back off, Rudyb. You should look that good after spending that much time with Dan Aykroyd.
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STEALTH WEALTH
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 We still think kids would do better in school if the bottom ten percent of each class had tattoo-space on their faces sold to advertisers.
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Notable Comment: "That coin thing always baffled me. They use metal that's more expensive, in weight, than the value printed on the surface. So, what's the real value of anything?"
Wait a damn second, gdinelli. This is an ad for Bitcoins, isn't it?
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Soren Bowie, Cody Johnston
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 Boil away the pretense and it's all nerdy.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Every Celebrity Had Their Version of the Batmobile, How Modern Gadgets Will be Used After the Apocalypse, If They Made Action Movie Posters About Everyday Life and Famous Artwork Redone in the Worst Medium Possible.
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