Cracked Round-Up: Fistful of Politics Edition
Well, it's over. Months and months of political foreplay and build-up have finally culminated in one long two week electoral orgasm. The Democratic and Republican conventions are over, and now all that remains of this election are a few boring debates and *sigh* voting. But we'll always have our fond memories of the conventions: that time Paul Ryan pissed off every fact-checker in the world, Clint Eastwood's slide into senility, Bill Clinton's....Clintoning.
All we can do now is hold onto those fond memories and hope that, four years from now, someone body-slams one of the nominees on-stage.
The zombie apocalypse is one of those things people seldom apply logic too. Seanbaby rectified that with his look at "common sense" measures you should never try on Z-Day. Christina brought us back down to earth, with nine sound-alike words you've been screwing up all your life. Brockway looked at the dark side of going back to single life and Adam Brown discussed the petty things that start wars in every office. John Cheese laid out the bad habits you develop living in a broken home and Dan O'Brien closed us out with his pitches for reality shows too amazing to make.
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GOD NO
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 Look, we know articles like this are horrifying to read, we know they make your skin itch with creepy-crawlies and breed nightmares like botflies. But before you get angry, remember: we had to research these bastards.
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Notable Comment: "I'll be at the beach in four days... Not going in the water. Ever. Thanks Cracked."
Thanks, blueeyeddemon. We're now one step closer to our goal of slashing the prices of beachfront property worldwide. MWA-HA-HA!
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HOLLYWOOD ANTI-MAGIC
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 The real world may be more incredible than fiction, but that doesn't mean an audience will buy it.
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Notable Comment: "Okay, so besides the introduction of modern commercialism, what have the Romans done for us?"
Life_Of_Brian, the Romans invented being irresponsible, sex-crazed, drug-addled socialites. Without their pioneering spirit, modern raves would never have come into being.
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LONG LIVED LIES
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 Lying never gets you anywhere. Unless you're one of these people, then it works out pretty darn well for a while.
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Notable Comment: If you're looking for a loud, citation-less argument about vaccines, this is the comment's section to read!
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SUPREME MISTAKES
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 They're the highest court in the land, and by that we mean the only explanation for these decisions is a ton of hard drugs.
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Notable Comment: "I'm amazed at the lack of vagina jokes at the Hooker's love canal."
We're way too classy for that, camfa. Cracked only goes for the obvious vagina jokes when we're close to missing our quota for the month.
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BAD WORK
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 If you're feeling incompetent in the workplace today, this article should make you feel better. But it won't make you feel more competent.
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Notable Comment: "I always found it annoying that I have to watch those anti-piracy ads on my legally purchased or rented videos. Do they realize that pirated videos don't have to have those ads?"
Ken.brown30, those ads are your reward for buying legal DVDs. Pirates never get to enjoy anything so absurd.
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After Hours
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 'Toy Story' is secretly about slavery, but when you put them all together, you get an even creepier universe.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If School's Lessons Were Sarcastic, If Every Video Game Character Got Their Own Franchise, If Brands/Websites Suddenly Switched Target Audiences and Plot Twists Famous Movies Should Have Had.
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