Cracked Round-Up: 3 Tips for Incoming Freshmen Edition
It's that time of year once again, when the scorching heat gives way to slightly-less-scorching heat and all the schools open their doors once more. For many of you reading this, fall will bring your first semester of college. And, as we do every year, Cracked has some helpful advice for making the most of it.
1. Treat Intoxication Like A Class. No, we don't mean you should spend an hour getting hammered for every hour spent studying. We mean you need to study your mind-altering substances before you consume them. Bone up on drinking myths and never put anything into your body unless you research it first.
2. Mix Instant Coffee And Instant Ramen for a quick burst of energy, a full belly and the absolute most disgusting vomit the human body is capable of producing. Now that you're 18, you only have a few years in which to pound your body full of toxic crap without noticing the consequences. Make the most of that.
3. 90% Of College Is Just Showing Up. Seriously. It's actually kind of terrifying and hugely disheartening to the people who care about education, but you're way more than halfway there if you just get to class on time every day.
It's always nice to start your week by blasting some misconceptions. Gladstone fulfills that role this week with songs the Internet thinks are by the wrong artist. Ian Fortey followed up with a look at the useless motivational tactics your employer makes you sit through. Soren Bowie introduced our readers to two more infuriating young celebrities while Dan O'Brien discussed the things he wishes he'd known as an awkward high schooler. Luke McKinney listed the most badass spaceship landings in human history as Bucholz gave some movies that actually deserve a Total Recall style remake. John Cheese explained how the internet convinced him not to vote and Brockway closed us out with the tropes Sci-Fi needs to bring back.
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HOLY HEROES
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 Because apparently the only things separating religion from comic books are time and illustrations.
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Notable Comment: "Bears. There can never be enough. I've never flet safer in the city with my grizzly loping along beside me on his leash."
OlderThanDirt is a man of great wisdom, and presumably very few fingers.
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BREEDING TIME
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 If you've ever dreamed of being a Beastmaster without being devoured by your own minions, this is the article for you.
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Notable Comment: "In two of those links it mentions the Savannah cat likes to headbutt people...which is all I've ever hoped for in a pet"
Perfect, amurogay. Give them spiked helmets and you're off to fight crime via gut stabbings.
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HIDDEN MOUSE
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 It's the Magic Kingdom, and Magic implies trickery and eldrich danger.
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Notable Comment: "I don't have much time. The mouse hunts for me in the darkness. I hope this gets through. DO NOT GO IN THE UTILIDORS AFTER MIDNIGHT! Repeat, DO NOT GO IN THE UTILIDORS AFTER MIDNIGHT! Oh god he's found me fuhgjjhdiugukrdjkjfkjnnkjvdnjkfghkdjfkdgjfdgkfnkdj2222222222222222222222"
And that was the last anyone ever heard of KleinerKiller.
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BREAKING THE RULES
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 Nothing is impossible when you have enough dudes in lab coats trying to make their favorite sci-fi novels a reality.
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Notable Comment: "Whenever I'm tired of dealing with all of the bullshit that is the bulk of the Internet, I come to Cracked and am reminded of why the Internet exists: particle physics and dick jokes."
Fun fact, FelixThree- "particle physics and dick jokes" is actually a verbatim excerpt from our mission statement.
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NEW PETS
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 Because it isn't really a childhood without trauma.
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Notable Comment: "Swing you Sinners is probably the first day orientation video in Hell."
Actually we hear it's a double-feature, CaptainPotato. Jack & Jill and Gigli. If you've been really awful, both movies just keep looping for all eternity.
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Today's Topic
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 The surface of the Earth is never shown, and the Jetson family never visits it. They often venture off-world like it ain't no thing, but never down to their own planet. What's the deal?
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Ironic Punishments for Everyday Annoyances, If Everything Got an Awesome Video Game Adaptation, Website Mergers We Wish Would Happen and Unseen Jobs that Must Exist in Movie Universes.
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