Cracked Round-Up: Another Olympic Edition
That's right folks, the Olympics are still going on! And apparently they didn't get all our letters about making Knifeball an official event. So, for the time being, we'll be holding the world championship in our staff bathroom. Just as soon as one of the interns makes the mistake of going in there...
Gladstone kicked our week of columns off with a look at what he missed while watching the Twilight Zone as a kid. Ian Fortey took things to a slightly darker place by revealing the pop culture icons we all have shameful crushes on. Next was Chris Bucholz, who showed just how easy it is to win certain gold medals. Then Soren Bowie wrote the in-flight magazine articles the airline industry is too cowardly to publish as Brockway instructed us on humiliating animals with some help from old-timey men's magazines. John Cheese wound things down with sped up videos that shatter your idea of normal things and Luke McKinney signed off by taking on our ridiculous ideas about the 'God Particle'.
|
TRICK THE EYES
|
 This article is even less believable than the last nine.
|
Notable Comment: "I laughed so goddamn hard at the kittycopter when I first saw it, especially at the video where he's buzzing cows out in a field and they're freaking out."
LittleBigAw, would you happen to have any idea what the SPCA does with euthanized cats? Because we have a great idea for some 21st century cow-tipping.
|
BAD AT BAD
|
 Hey, all that careful costuming and henchman hiring takes a lot of time. That doesn't leave much opportunity to think things through.
|
Notable Comment: "How about Lord Voldemort? All he had to do was kill a baby and he uses magic to do it? He could have smothered, choked, boken the neck, etc., but noooooo, let's use magic and give a baby part of your soul that enables him to kill you when he becomes a teenager."
Well arivalscientist, when you've got a magic wand everything looks like it's in desperate need of an arcane wailing.
|
LETHAL UPGRADE
|
 Because if there's one thing we've learned about the past, it's that no one had any concept of "safety".
|
Notable Comment: "I don't know, that bank teller thing sounds pretty sane. Though I would feel extremely worried about the guy on the other side, what with the ever present ability to boot me out if I said the wrong thing or they were just having a bad day."
That's actually exactly what's crazy about the whole idea, robotdickens. Have you ever met a bank teller you'd trust with the power to drop you down a murder chasm?
|
SKETCHY SPORTS
|
 Just because the Olympics are an international symbol for the best parts of the human spirit doesn't mean they can't also be the exact opposite of that.
|
Notable Comment: "The sex may not be as nonstop as the condom numbers suggest. Apparently at one of the more recent Olympics the Indian athletes were grabbing hundreds to sell back home and some of the Brits were using them as water balloons to bombard other Olympians in the village."
Aww, it's cute you believe that, fenngibbon. Why would the Brits put water in those "balloons" when they had plenty of good bodily fluids to fill them with?
|
NEXT STEP
|
 Because sometimes deadly weapons just aren't deadly enough.
|
Notable Comment: "I'll take a right and left hand thunder glove and some of those drones for punching practice."
And just like that, DakBroadBent invented the greatest sport of the 21st Century.
|
Daniel O'Brien
|
 Half of you will watch at least part of this movie tonight.
|
|
YOU YOU YOU!
|
 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Required Training Classes for Video Game Characters, Safety Warning Signs From the Future, How Movie Worlds Look Decades Later and Small Changes That Make Terrifying Things Hilarious.
|
