Cracked Round-Up: Whale-Fighting Edition
Things that aren't challenging aren't worth doing. Which is why our office fight club has recently had a change of focus. Punching people is easy. Too easy. But hand to fin combat with a blue whale? Now that's a challenge. Some people will say you can't beat a whale with your bare hands, but they just aren't thinking creatively enough. A whale's weak spot is the blow hole. The trouble is getting a foot or a fist inside that thing. We'd recommend finding a small child to sort of jam in there like a cork. You'd be surprised how well that works.
Christina got our week started on a fiscally responsible note with the least useful money saving tips ever written. Brockway turned a hard eye on us all with a look at the reasons Hollywood sucks. Fortey delved into the ridiculous things you never hear about life as an adult and Seanbaby looked at relationship tips from a crazy woman at Fox news. John Cheese covered the excuses we make for our bad behavior while Dan O'Brien took Internet journalism to task and showed some really great pictures of Dinosaur O-faces.
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FIRST TRY
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 If at first you don't succeed, change your entire career and deny everything.
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Notable Comment: "Surprised nobody mentioned that Bloodhound Gang started out as a Depeche Mode cover band."
Straenge, at some point in life everyone is a Depeche Mode cover band.
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BAD PR
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 Sometimes manipulating the masses is easy. Other times...this.
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Notable Comment: "I'm disappointed that I had to search elsewhere to see the picture of Hitler tugging his cock."
We don't have many rules, freakster. But "no Hitler porn" is one of them.
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HIDDEN ANGLE
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 Because hey, it's your movie, why not shoehorn in whatever ridiculous crap you believe?
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Notable Comment: "Taking potshots at Transformers 2 is like playing basketball with a retarded kid and calling him out when he double-dribbles."
Rickicker, retarded kids playing basketball is much more inspiring than watching Michael Bay piss money down a hole.
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HISTORIC BICKERING
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 The world is built on petty grudges and stupid, half-forgotten arguments.
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Notable Comment: "so basically, every international conflict EVER was nothing more than a dick measuring contest? nice...real nice."
Seriously, apiefanami. How could you possibly watch the news every night and not already know that?
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FUTILE SACRIFICE
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 Because not every sacrifice has a point.
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Notable Comment: Visit the comments section for a hundred different explanations for why Donnie Darko makes perfect sense if you just watch the Director's Cut, or whatever.
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Missing Earl
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 The montage to end all movie montages.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, How You Would Abuse Video Game Powers in Real Life, If Movie Titles Were Taken Literally, If Websites Came With Warning Labels and Monuments We Wish They Would Build.
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