Cracked Round-Up: August is the New July Edition
Ah, August. That wondrous month when summer finally begins to break, and the weather around us grows marginally more tolerable. But not this year. In 2013, August is the just an extension of July, with an extra dose of Mother Nature's middle finger for good measure. Maybe September will see temperatures drop allllll the way down to a chilly mid-90s.
If you think the Wolverine movie has some problems, wait until you read Luke McKinney's article about the worst things comic books have done to the character. Follow up with Ryan Holiday's article on why you can't trust anything you read online. Keep that theme alive and listen to Chris Bucholz explain how smart technology has made our world dumber. Let Gladstone brighten the mood with some celebrity-inspired sex positions while Felix lists the hilarious monsters that terrify all of Japan. John Cheese will keep you cynical with common reactions that make good deeds feel like a bad idea. After all that, Dan O'Brien closes our week by asking for epilogues to his favorite movies.
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NEWLY OLD
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 So our ancestors weren't living in poop-covered shacks bereft of all comfort. Most of them were, but not all of them.
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Notable Comment: "So, Vikings were more socially advanced than we are."
Pendulous, can you really look at their axes and beards and come to any other conclusion?
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GREAT DIGS
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 Even if you're Barack Obama, reading from a golden shitter in the Lincoln Bedroom, this article will make your house look lame.
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Notable Comment: "This article makes it sound like the $181,000 spent on the plane and 100,000 pounds (about $150,000) for the house in the cemetary are expensive. I know I live in an expensive part of the country, but I was under the impression that less that $200,000 for a decent sized home is really really cheap. After all, the other day, I saw an ad for a one bedroom apartment in NYC for $800,000 (which is just obscene)."
Nyfgjoe, you should know that "New York numbers" and "real world numbers" don't have the damndest thing to do with one another.
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CORPERFIDY
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 This is infuriating and all, but seriously- who thought Vitamin water was anything but another type of soda?
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Notable Comment: "Who cares how unhealthy Krispy Kreme donuts are? They're f*****g amazing."
In eleven short words, MBII explains why we have an obesity crisis.
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ANIMADNESS
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 You can take your subtext and suck it, Hollywood. Video games have you beat.
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Notable Comment: "The robot doesn't have a cockney accent!! Its a west country accent you fool! Stephen Merchant is from Bristol!"
Suuuuure, bloodhead. Like "Bristol" and "West Country" are real places. Stephen Merchant comes from Cockney, and that's the end of it.
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OLD WEAPONS
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 And you guys would be surprised at just how well AK-47s work as hammers. Maybe Habitat for Humanity should look into that...
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Notable Comment: "Actually, Yes. part of my job description is clearing minefields. It's lots of fun. laying on the ground for hours on end, searching the ground with your special Army-issued high speed mine probing device (AKA: poking the ground with a fiberglass stick hundreds of times until you hit something that may or may not be a rock.) A good way to spend the day in my opinion. :D"
Jedh3 had better not be prone to sneezing.
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Picnic Face
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 Speed has a price.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Worst Porno Ideas Possible, Horrifying Ways Google Glass Will Go Wrong, Awful Original Drafts of Famous Movie Lines / Scenes and Weird / Horrifying Laws From Around the World.
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