Cracked Round-Up: Life Lessons About Drinking Edition
Based on the demographics of our readers, a great many of you are just now at the beginning of a long and beautiful journey. We're talking, of course, about drinking. The first few years of your drinking career are likely to involve watery beer and terrible liquor. But one day you'll all find yourselves in your own apartment with your own blender. And you'll suddenly realize that the only things standing between you and alcoholic smoothies are a pile of fruit, some ice and the cheapest liquor possible. When that day comes, Cracked would like to remind you that grinding aspirin up in your daquiris will not prevent hangovers. If we'd only known that two nights ago we wouldn't be stuck spending our weekend trolling the border for a new batch of Interns.
It's been a banner week at Cracked. First Adam Brown explained why you'll have a terrible time taking the Waverunner out to a fireworks show this weekend. Chris Bucholz took a look at why Google's self-driving car will be the death of man. Soren Bowie called your favorite fictional characters out for being self-hating monsters. Brockway once more tried to warn the world about Mario Lopez, Oldest of the Old Ones. John Cheese discussed the bad advice everyone pretends isn't bullshit and Michael Swaim heralded the dawning of the age of ladies.
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GROUND BREAKERS
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 Just in case you felt like sending out a few 'Thank You' letters.
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Notable Comment: "The mask you showed from the movie Con Air is the same mask they used in the movie The New Guy to make him look cooler at his new school."
Con Air was more frightening, but only because it had a shirtless Nick Cage.
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FORGETFUL
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 Apparently our brains are easier to hack than a Commodore 64.
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Notable Comment: "Interesting stuff, unfortunately I'm probably gonna forget the article in about 10 minutes (not being sarcastic I actually have a really bad memory & there are friggin doors & peoples faces everywhere)."
Sorry giovannisorta. It probably doesn't help that we have the shrill, high-pitched voices of a six-year-old girl.
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EARLY DEATH
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 Juggling rusty chainsaws while naked isn't on this list, but it should be. Earl.
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Notable Comment: "screw all this i will take my chances with death,yes it will eventully TKO me in the 12th round but i totally think i can beat for the 1st 11 rounds"
Congratulations, steelmouth, on your inspiring dream to live to be twelve years old.
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POINTLESS PANIC
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 So it turns out having a kid is one of those things you can just half-ass and hope for the best.
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Notable Comment: "All in all, injuries sustained by kids from falls and tumbles almost never result in any permanent damage..."
"Yeah, tell that to my cousin who crashed into a tree while riding a motorcycle when he was 13 and suffered brain damage, including permanent short-term memory loss."
ALittleOtter, there's a slight difference between tumbling around on a playground and riding a goddamn motorcycle while five years underage.
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UNSOLVED FOREVER
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 Sometimes people disappear for no reason and are never, ever found. Repeat this fact to your children every night so they'll grow up tough and wary.
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Notable Comment: "Every time I think that I can't possibly hate Thomas Edison any more, Cracked gives me more reason to hate him even more."
Little known fact, IronSaint: That's basically Cracked's mission statement.
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Natural Disastronauts
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 These tips will get anyone promoted, even if they have an inferior female brain!
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Cheap Direct-to-DvD Ripoffs of Popular Films, Horribly Ill-Conceived Educational Cartoons, The World, as Misunderstood by College Students and Chart the Decision-Making Process of Famous Directors.
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