Cracked Round-Up: Sensitivity Training Edition
Did you guys know that it's rude to call the new intern a pussy for turning down a little hit of brown-brown before the interdepartmental paintball game? And did you also know that it's considered culturally insensitive to paint the British guy's teeth yellow when he passes out from the hydrocodone you mixed into his coffee?
We're learning all this and more, thanks to HR's new-found obsession with not getting sued every other day.
Has one of your enemies died recently? Are they likely to? Then you'll want to read Soren's tips for writing the right eulogy. Christina takes on the horrors of everyday racism and Adam Brown brought us more of the least impressive boasts in rap history. John Cheese dared to ask: why have we surrendered our Internet to the spammers? Robert Brockway looked at how the insects are planning their elaborate slaughter of mankind and Chris Bucholz investigated a more hamburger-y prospect for the doom of man. Dan O'Brien closed us off with iconic moments from pop culture that never actually happened.
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ONE ON ONE
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 We can't really say that life was better back in the days when men were allowed to murder each other over matters of honor but...yes. Yes it was.
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Notable Comment: "Today's culture of conflict resolution is penis-shriveling feminine. I vote that from now on all problems will be settled via playing chicken with jet fighters , agreed?"
You're on to something, Free_Jokes. And as far as we know, those jet fighters aren't doing fuck-all right now.
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EXECUTIVE PRESENTS
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 Man, English is pretty much the most boring language ever.
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Notable Comment: "I like the German backpfeifengesicht: a face that clearly needs a fist in it."
One problem, Boomshadow. When you wake up as hungover as we tend to, every face needs a fist in it.
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MOVIE MAGIC
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 No amount of craft and talent can replace honestly scaring the shit out of people.
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Notable Comment: "I heard that Tom Cruise didn't even know he was in "Interview with a Vampire" until afterwards!"
That's true, kragary. They actually spent the six months before filming convincing Cruise he was a vampire. Leaving dead, bloodless strippers in his bed. Burning him with high intensity laser light whenever he went outside. Putting ipecac in every food or beverage he tried to eat besides raw human blood. Sure, it tore his psyche apart, but what a performance!
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BAD MECHANICS
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 We're going to assume that only about 4% of you are capable of properly maintaining your own car. Don't get offended- that's about five times the national average.
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Notable Comment: "This is fine for cars built after 1980. What if you drive an old bomb."
StephenFederici, if you drive an old bomb we can't give you any advice better than what you'd get from a thorough viewing of Dr. Strangelove.
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FAKE OUT
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 Behind every great mystery, wondrous or terrible, is the truth. And about 10% of the time, that truth is hilarious.
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Notable Comment: "Funny how UFOs only interact with people in the States. And the crappy middle/bottom bit at that. Not that I'm into stereotyping or anything."
Shufflemoomin, have you considered that maybe extraterrestrials love 104 degree summers and Waffle House?
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Natural Disastronaut
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 The least pathetic thing anyone can do. Period.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Small Changes that Turn Great Ideas into Disasters, Everyday Life, If One Crime Were Suddenly Legal, If Video Game Characters Used More Practical Solutions and What Fictional Characters Have Nightmares About.
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