Cracked Round-Up: Day Trading Edition
Earlier this week Bill from HR hit upon a genius idea to pull in the extra funding we need for Dan's time-traveling pedophile show. Using some money we "acquired" from several months worth of diligent mugging, we put together enough seed money to start playing the stock market. Things went pretty well for the first nineteen or twenty seconds, but then we blew through all of our money and ended up mortgaging the office to some Chinese machine tools conglomerate. So, um, if you need machine tools produced in high volume, choose Wuxing International!
The Internet isn't big on honesty, so it's good that people like Cody are out there to take Tumblr's inspirational photos to task. Soren Bowie sought out the one movie in Hollywood history to take the athletic, rich bullies side and Chris Bucholz helped our readers fill out the bottom of their bucket lists. Christina pointed out ads that were less about selling the product and more about crazy bullshit while John Cheese looked at how the Internet is ruining the rest of the world. If that got you feeling bummed out, Brockway's collection of mind-blowing protestors caught on camera should pick you back up. Then you can bask in the comparative joy of not being Dan O'Brien when you read about the Taxi that hit him.
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VINTAGE CRAZY
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 Some days we long for a simpler time. When men were men and men fought bears.
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Notable Comment: "Cheetahs supposedly make pretty good pets actually."
Sure they are, hadomaru, if you've never known the sweet joys of Komodo Dragon ownership.
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SEXY TIME
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 Everything you've ever heard about sex is a lie. Especially when she said you were good at it.
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Notable Comment: "But Mormons still have sex with their eyes closed and their clothes on right?"
That's right, MintCondition. And from halfway across the room.
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NEEDLESS EXPENSE
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 For these men, the word "budget" referred to a purely theoretical concept.
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Notable Comment:"I've always wanted to know if the scene in The Never Ending Story where the Horse drowns in the Swamp of sadness if they just straight up killed the Horse, because it looks like they did."
Actually Donnelly182, they smothered the entire cast of the Never Ending Story. It was the only humane way to end the series.
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BUSINESS MYTHS
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 Hollywood's business world is just a reflection of the business side of Hollywood.
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Notable Comment:"I work in a field rarely covered (if at all) by the movie industry. Hospital support staff. I don't recall ever seeing a movie where anything remotely like my job comes up. Even through the whole series of ER, never once did I see mention of Sterile Services, even though most of the people I've known in the job have been quite interesting, slightly oddball and fun people to know. I feel under-represented."
Sorry, Tyburn. Maybe Sterile Services guys don't quip particularly well.
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CANINE COMBAT
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 When it was time to sniff ass and take names, these dogs rose to the occasion.
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Notable Comment: "way to go Smoky, im taking my dog sky diving later on to see if he's badass enough to be nicknamed Smoky. i doubt he will but ill gladly call him Smokez in honor of you"
iAmHilarious won't be a pet owner for long.
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Cody Johnston
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 Putting it to music isn't enough to make it a jingle.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Not Quite Right Knock-Off Gifts/Toys/Gadgets Etc., If Recent Blockbusters Were Made Before 1960 and If Christmas Classics Had R-Ratings.
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