Cracked Round-Up: Panda Sex Edition

Pandas- nature's nerdy kid with horrific acne. As a species, they've forgotten how to fuck. And Cracked is here to help them remember how. We've purchased four pairs of pandas (plus a small number of "undocumented" laborers) from a middleman in China. Our goal: four pregnant panda moms within the month. To accomplish this goal, we've enlisted the aid of three of the world's foremost panda experts...and also a significant quantity of "Panda Ecstasy", which is really just run-of-the-mill Horse Ecstasy with a teeensy smidge of methamphetamine dumped in there for good measure.

Felix Clay took our comedy train on a ride through bummer town, with a look at the things that don't get better with age. Gladstone kept us mature with by revealing things that sucked less 'back in the day'. Soren Bowie showed off his drunkest skills, with a list of six animals that are clearly disguised as candy. Luke McKinney shamed us all with an expose on the dick moves we all pulled in classic games and Brockway kept the shame a'flowin' with forms of madness the Internet is spreading. Bucholz uncovered stupid travel myths we all believe while John Cheese dispensed the harsh conversations every couple should have before getting married. Dan O'Brien closed our week out with some harsh words on the entertainment industry's portrayal of awkward people.

BULLSHITSTORY

5 Ridiculous Lies You Believe About Ancient Civilizations See everyone? The Romans never mastered the orgy. Our civilization still has a chance to matter.

Notable Comment: "Ancient slavery wasn't as brutal, dehumanizing, or permanent as the American South. No slavery in the histoy of the world has been as horrible as American slavery. Greek and Roman slaves could work and buy their freedom and become full citizens. And they weren't brutilized or denegrated into a lesser species."

See, OliviasArmy, we could support that kind of slavery. One two week invasion and every middle-class family could have their own Canadian.

BAD JOURNALISM

6 Insanely Reckless Media Accusations That Ruined Lives Because "evidence" is almost never as fun as baldfaced lies.

Notable Comment: "Re: Number 3's first sentence. Are you required to write a cheap cliché of a dig against Canada every time you mention us or does it just help inflate your false sense of superiority? Then again, I guess you need to keep it simple for your American readers, right?"

Stephane, you go back home and tell Canada we'll challenge them to an arm wrestling match any day of the week. Bring it, hosers!

MAD CODE

6 Games That Put Insane Detail into Stuff You Didn't Notice Sane people don't often get hired to program video games.

Notable Comment: "If your intelligence is all the way down in fallout 3 and you talk to the town idiot youll have a (comedic) intelligent conversation."

Dammit buroot, now we have no choice but to play through the entire game again.

DEADLY SCIENCE

5 Mind-Blowing Ways People Solved Unsolvable Cold Cases You heard it first on Cracked: the Internet will one day replace the police. And on that day, you should probably invest heavily in body armor.

Notable Comment: "Weren't there five interesting cold case from the US? I mean, no one cares about a murder in Holland."

Clearly, WatchtheWatcher isn't a hollander. Hollandaise? Hollish? Ah,fuck it. They're basically Germans.

CLOSE YOUR EYES

The 7 Most Unintentionally Nightmarish Children's Characters The nice thing about unremitting terror is that it REALLY burns off calories. Of course, you'll probably make up for that in comfort ice cream.

Notable Comment: "Have you seen any of the early Sesame Street? I'm pretty sure most of that was written and created at the peaks of serial acid trips."

Knslof evidently does not realize that Jim Henson was a walking acid trip of mass destruction. Everyone within fifty feet of him had the brain chemistry of a roadie with the Grateful Dead.

CRACKED Staff

What Biology Class Didn't Want You To Know About Water Have a think on it.

YOU YOU YOU!

33 Famous People If They Were Born in Different Times We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Things You Secretly Suspect About People Who Annoy You, Movie Happy Endings Revised for Realism, Facts That Make Common Fears Less Scary and Mind-Blowing Stats About Fictional Universes.