Cracked Round-Up: Central America Edition
We're typing this now from a resort in El Salvador, destination four on the Cracked Staffer Annual Central American Retreat (CSACAR). The office doesn't usually splurge on fancy things like foreign resort vacations, but with all the coke-dealing we get up to down here the magazine actually turns a tidy profit. The fact that beer here costs less than a dollar (and that prostitutes cost less than a beer) doesn't hurt matters any. Which is yet another reason why Cracked's healthcare plan is a hearty laugh in your face from the editor of your choice.
Soren Bowie started us off on the right track with two of Cracked's favorite subjects: migrant labor and male sex workers. Christina was next, with a look at the topics you can't discuss without starting a flame war. Pro-tip: The comments section is exactly what you'd expect for that one. Chris Bucholz spilled some company secrets, for which he was justly flogged, while Robert Brockway brought us the latest exploits of super-producer Geoff Chaser. And then John Cheese sobered us up with an article on parenting too filthy for Reader's Digest and too true for Playboy. Kristi Harrison filled in for Dan this week and called Zooey Deschanel out on her undeserved geek-cred.
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FUCKING FUCKERS
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 Cracked: Making the blame game easier since 1958.
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Notable Comment: "TAMPON DICKSHIT!!"
We're not sure what point LeeValey was trying to make, or why he thought those two words were the best medium through which to transmit his message. All we know is that he believed enough in what he was saying to use two exclamation points. And that matters.
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ORIGINALITY
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 All those remakes seem a little less awful now, don't they?
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Notable Comment: "To be fair, the opening credits of Terminator mention that it is inspired by the writing of Harlan Ellison"
To be even fairer, blahsum, you should probably read the article you're commenting on.
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SCI FREAK
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 If you need us, we'll be sitting inside a Faraday cage weeping quietly.
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Notable Comment: "And here I was beginning to think that I was paranoid for taping a strip of paper over my laptop's webcam. Guess I'll have to put one over the microphone hole too."
This is the future, Cipher. Double your paranoia and it still won't be enough. They have microphones installed in your shoes.
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LYRICAL LIES
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 Fair warning. The drunk guy telling everyone at the party about The Eagle's satanic ties won't listen to you. Or us.
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Notable Comment: "I remember hearing in a TV interview with the band 20-odd years ago that 'Hotel Cali' was about Vietnam. Made sense to me."
DaveWilloughby, have you ever considered that maybe Hotel California is about everything that ever happened in the history of the human race? We always assumed it was about the War of the Three Kingdoms in ancient China.
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BOTANICAL MASTERMINDS
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 Years from now, historians will regard this article as the opening shot in the great Plant / Human conflict.
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Notable Comment: "Also, what is NWS?....I googled it, and came up with National Weather Service. Obviously can't be that."
You have it exactly right, Keona1. Any time you see NWS above a link, that means it contains crucial storm warnings and you should click immediately.
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Natural Disastronauts
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 Don't watch while hungry. Or full.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Disney Movies got R-Rated Gritty Reboots, What Happened Outside the Frame of Famous Photos and If the Hero's Timing had been Slightly Off. We also have a sponsored contest this week with a fabulous star-studded prize. For the chance to win a flight to L.A. and a seat at a real movie premiere, enter Cards that Ruin Christmas.
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