Cracked Round-Up: Natural Selection Edition
As the recession drags on, Cracked continues to cut costs. Right now we're trying to cut out our need for a copy-editor by punishing errors in grammar, spelling or punctuation with brutal flailing and public execution. Our remaining authors and Interns will be perfect, and we'll be able to publish our articles that much faster. And cheaper. Its such a good idea that- oh no, oh GOD NO! Jack, it wasn't-
This week started with the long-awaited trailer for John Dies at the End. We hear if you watch it 1,000 times, the secrets to life, happiness and a four-hour orgasm are revealed. Luke McKinney followed up with the most inexplicably preposterous self-defense weapons. Those of you with room-mates who don't like the JDATE trailer repeating for days on end may want to give this a look. Christina H. was next, with some observations about the wonderfully inane things public speakers fall back on in lieu of content. Chris Bucholz tried his hand at the lucrative field of auction hunting while John Cheese gave the Internet's first practical advice on dealing with bullies without ending up shanked or imprisoned. Seanbaby vented his man-gland with a collection of the most scientifically badass video game covers as Dan O'Brien took us into the minds of America's most sorely tested presidents.
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BULLSHIT-STORY
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 Apparently the Military-Industrial Complex pays less attention to ordnance than you do to your recycling.
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Notable Comment: "Really? A barge and the Sea Shadow for free and no one wanted it? Hell I would've taken it. That barge could hold quite a bit of firepower...and the stealth ship could be used to hold some badass parties in international waters"
TheChuckinator acts like we haven't already dispatched a team of mechanics and drug chemists.
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BAD COPS
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 But we might as well keep doing things the exact same way. It isn't like thousands of people have had their lives ruined over this or anything.
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Notable Comment: "What I have learned today. If I commit a crime, my best chance of getting away with it is to have my victim describe me to a police sketch artist."
If lordastral has learned how to be a better criminal through us, this article has done its job.
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BAD IDEAS
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 Well. Now we know what Nick Fury looks like in a bathing suit. That's just...awesome.
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Notable Comment:"Sweet monkey Jesus nipples in a hand basket to Hell! I'd like to know what kind of psychotropic drug mix/extended torture/visitation by Cthulhu was used to create the Super Dictionary."
The answer is THORAZINE, AdamantC.
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SECRET TECHNOLOGY
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 The mischief we could get up to with just half this list is bowel-loosening.
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Notable Comment:"I miss the Soviets. Organized antagonism, threat of nuclear annihilation, neat spy gadgets, and cheesy 80's movies. Good times."
MacGarnagle has obviously forgotten the hair.
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LIFE-SAVING SIN
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 We admit it. We're enablers at heart.
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Notable Comment: "I will do drugs because of some words I read on a comedy website."
If it were that easy, HYDRoPHoBIC, our opium dispensary wouldn't be in Chapter 11.
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Dan Perrault
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 Roughly 100% of our readers could use this service.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, People Today as Remembered in Future Biopics, If They Made Coupons for Everything and Instructional Signs You'd Find in Movie Universes.
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