Cracked Round-Up: Horse-Fight Edition
In this shitty economy, we all do whatever it takes to get by. When dick jokes on the Internet can't quite cover the bills, we at Cracked are forced to seek alternative revenue streams. One of our most successful has been a series of brutal horse-fights, staged in the office parking garage after work hours. Before you get into a tizzy, the horses aren't fighting each other, they're going up against unarmed, drunken hobos and any street urchins we manage to coerce into our van. So far the horses are 32-0, but we've got a good feeling about Tiny Tim's title match this Sunday.
Cody got the funny-ball rolling with reviews of the whole Fall TV line-up based on promo photos taken completely out of context. It actually makes them seem much more exciting. Soren Bowie was next, with an interview of his parents that sheds some light on his tragic character. The word "tragic" here means "cross-dressing". Chris Bucholz delivered a court-mandated apology to the surviving customers of his hot dog stand, while Christina looked at Hollywood's female stereotypes that Hollywood seems to think are accurate. Brockway mused on why we find the apocalypse so irresistible ('We' being a partial stand-in for 'Brockway') and John Cheese proposed over the Internet. She said yes, of course. No one can resist a Cracked columnist, unless they have a taser and a very pricey lawyer. Seanbaby collected unbeatable and wildly unappealing sports records, and Dan O'Brien wound us down with a guide to awkward situations for awkward people written by the world's most awkward man. If you practice sitting down in front of a mirror in order to avoid looking ridiculous, this column's for you.
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BULLSHIT-STORY
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 Writing history books takes a lot of time. There's just not much room for fact-checking. That would take ten, maybe thirty minutes of hard Googling.
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Notable Comment: "dis s**t fukin ghey, eddie rodrigez fukin sux cock. fukin dumbass. don t no s**t bout history"
We're fairly certain this is some sort of incantation or hex, thelosah36.
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HIDDEN GENIUS
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 But hey, at least we figured out condoms and fried chicken. Those are crucial.
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Notable Comment: "Gravity is clearly the work of the Devil, trying to pull us into the center of the earth, where he keeps his lake of fire!"
DarthKitsune has a theory some 'scientists' in rural Kansas would be happy to push.
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EVERYDAY ADDICTS
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 Anyone else hungry for wood chips, fake blueberries and piss-beef?
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Notable Comment: Apparently, half of our commenters have no issue with wood pulp being added to their cereal. Your poop may not know the difference, but we kind of hoped our food would contain a lot more...food, than it does.
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UNSTOPPABLE
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 By matter of contrast, half our writing staff ended up hospitalized the day our air conditioner broke. In September.
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Notable Comment: "Its obvious that you've seen more butts than boobs which is kind of disturbing and illegal in some states."
We're just going to go ahead and present MentalPatient's comment here without any context. Let your mind fill in the horrible, terrible blanks.
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KINECT TO THE FUTURE
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 The Kinect may kind of suck as a game controller, but at least it's wonderful for all sorts of things completely unrelated to the X-Box.
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Notable Comment: "Microsoft explicitly allowed these hacks and waived their right to prevent people from doing it."
Wow, anaris. Thank goodness Microsoft was generous enough to let people use their own possessions the way they see fit.
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Natural Disastronauts
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 Katie Willert gets results.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, How Fictional Characters Get By On a Lower Budget, Awkward Moments That Must Have Happened and If Everything Got a Mascot.
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