Cracked Round-Up: Police Raid Edition
Well folks, Big Brother has finally found his way into the Cracked offices. Apparently there's no such thing as "medicinal crack-cocaine". The police claim our humble dispensary was actually a filth-crusted den of anonymous sex, staph infections and bathtub drug labs. We maintain that our only goal was to help sick people get their medicine, and also make a few million tax-free dollars on the side. We also maintain that the only person in our office who knew about the lab was Eduardo the Intern. If he sticks to that story, he'll have a job waiting for him here in...like seventy years.
If you've been lucky enough to make it through life without any major strife or pain, Soren Bowie can show you how to cast your guilt adrift and fly free. Sometimes, being a better person is all about fooling the world into thinking you're a better person. Does the bad economy have you down? If so, read Christina's article on the weirdest jobs in China and start translating your resume into Mandarin. If you find yourself accidentally stalking one of Hollywood's grand dames, you'll want to check out this guide to stalking Helen Mirren by Chris Bucholz. Stalking tends to be a deadly enterprise, so Brockway's article on pimping up your funeral might help you out. Brendan McGinley was next with a list of speculative ads that will break your soul. David Wong and John Cheese teamed up to show you why you hate video games now while Seanbaby looked at the most bafflingly bad one-cent products on Amazon.com. Dan O'Brien closed us off with five MORE words that need to be banned.
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SELLING EVIL
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 If you're planning to rain fire and death upon the world anytime soon, this is the article to read.
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Notable Comment: "Useless bullshit. What a waste of money. Behold the glory of private companies, you goddamn bastards! Pissing on money that should have been elsewhere, like, I don't know, in freaking AFRICA!!"
Benkoj has inspired us. Cracked.com has started a new charity, dedicated to spreading highly advanced superweapons across the developing world.
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FLASHY CRAP
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 A good editor can make a turd sing and Swiss cheese float.
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Notable Comment: "When Superman went back in time, he wasn't replacing the original Superman, he was working at the same time. Superman deux saved Lois, and used his to notify the original Superman to travel back when he was finished & do the same."
So the answer is an infinite, unending loop? Nice time travel logic, ggritmon.
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HIDDEN GENIUS
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 After a long day of work, we're usually too tired to play video games. Let alone build a gigantic subterranean palace.
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Notable Comment: "WW2 was never lost. We should have listened to Patton and marched through Moscow. McArthur should hve overthrown the United States and murdered Truman. He would have errected a True world order- none of this China scare or Cover up's that make up today's BS. Taiwan is just about to fall, and anyone Scene Christopher's, The Dog's of War? Same crap that's going on in Librya righnow...."
Classicjarheads has a plan for the past that totally wouldn't have resulted in billions of deaths and the complete destruction of human society.
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EVERYDAY ADDICTS
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 The only thing that separates you from that guy sucking cocks behind the Sbarro is the cost of your chosen drugs.
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Notable Comment: "Chewing ice breaks down tooth enamel. Don't do it."
Meth breaks down everything, jadedtortoise. But people still do the hell out of that.
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HARMLESS HEROES
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 Having a gun doesn't make you badass. Not being afraid of guns makes you a badass.
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Notable Comment: "#5 is misleading the bagpipe is definitely a weapon."
Scary-Mike...kind of has a point there. One rendition of Amazing Grace and our ears ring for hours.
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Hot Garbage
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 What those commercials DON'T show you.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Things We Secretly Suspect about the Opposite Sex, Figures of Speech as Understood by a Five-Year-Old and Arts and Crafts Projects from Psychopaths.
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