Cracked Round-Up: Gang Violence Edition
We'd like to dedicate this round-up to all the innocent men, women and children who have died due to gang violence. Specifically, the gang violence that occurred earlier this afternoon in our parking garage. The East Coast / West Coast Cracked Writer rivalry has finally gone to far. In a way, I think most of us realized that as soon as the first minigun opened fire.
Nothing starts a week off right like homophobia from days gone by. Which is what Seanbaby's latest batch of comics served up in droves. Christina took us on a whirlwind ride around the globe to look at bizarre free speech fights, both petty and ridiculous. Gladstone explored an issue near and dear to the heart of our industry: why so many jews are in comedy. Bucholz dared to ask tough questions about whether or not Shia Lebeouf is a total mouth-breather (he is) while John Cheese looked at the least helpful pro-pot arguments in the legalization movement. Brockway closed our week out with an omelet recipe that will also protect you from violent mutant sharks.
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SEX TOYS
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 Sex sells. Apparently, even if the market consists entirely of little kids with saved up allowance money.
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Notable Comment: "Actually nothing wrong with tramp stamp tattoos. Tramp stamp doesn't inherently make anyone a whore. The problem's not in the tattoo itself, it's the revealing clothes grown up women wear on a regular occasion - when there's enough nudeness so that the lower back is clearly visible at all times the woman's blatantly trying for maximum sex appeal."
Above: TheFran defends her tramp stamp.
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HIDDEN GOODNESS
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 Once again, Cracked tells the stories that other news outlets won't. We're like Bob Woodward, only twice as sexy.
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Notable Comment: "Obama did Deepwater Obama hates white people Deepwatergate"
Actually, Dix, we have it on good authority that Obama likes white people. He's kind of a dick around Slovenians, though.
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BAD GREED
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 Wait, what? We have to go into the comments section for this one? It's like a boiling furnace of hate. Here goes nothing...
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Notable Comment:"must suck to be a murican"
We chose BennyRuckis's comment because it was the only one in like, two pages that wasn't a long-winded rant.
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FEIGNED ANTIQUITY
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 Yoga is still the best way to spend an hour staring at asses without anyone calling you out on it.
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Notable Comment:"If you want to pick a nice old pagan religion, go with the Greek pantheon or even the Egyptian gods. There are some discrepancies because of regional variations in practices but it's older and better preserved than something like the popular Wicca or Odinism."
That's true, FeralHousewife. But it's worth noting that any act of worship will be taken by Zeus as a come-on. He's a filthy old horn-dog and he's been hard up since that Jesus guy went viral.
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NATURAL PREDATORS
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 It's a good thing this article doesn't delve into the office Sadie Hawkins dance. There'd be a whole new #1.
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Notable Comment: "Female beg bugs have an entry area for sex but the males stab them through the abdomen to impregnate them (traumatic insemination). It's also not uncommon for a male to mistake another male bedbug for female and shank them. Being a bed bug blows."
Honestly, LisaLark, that doesn't sound much worse than high school.
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Agents of Cracked
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 Yeah, it's a body-switching episode.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Games We Wish Existed on the Original Nintendo, Very Different Early Drafts of Great Art and Movie Title Mash-Up Movie Posters.
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