CRACKED Round-Up: Praying for Winter Edition

Yeah, we know it's only June. And we're sure some of you are just loving the hell out of your summer vacations. But these 105-degree afternoons are starting to get a little absurd. Can we all just agree to take a month off of the heat, maybe have our October early? How many virgins would we need to sacrifice to the climate gods to make that happen?

Gaming is in trouble, and it needs the visionary wisdom of David Wong to...tell it just how fucked up everything really is. Spoiler: The answer is totally fucked. Next comes Soren, one-upping Egypt's greatest gladiator by volunteering to battle eleven turkeys. If that article has too much testosterone for you, there's always Christina's column about the hell that is shopping for an engagement ring. Bucholz showed Anthony Weiner how to handle an "accidentally" texted penis pic, while Brockway told the awful truth about moving across the country. It's goddamn terrible, if you were wondering. And last, we have a rare uplifting article about life from John Cheese. Eventually, the world does suck less, kids. But it would suck a whole, whole lot less if the great men in Dan's column had actually spawned children.

STRANGE NATURE

6 Terrifying Predators Routinely Owned by Adorable Prey The cuter they are the harder they kill.

Notable Comment: "According to my aussie boyfriend, kangaroos are horrible pests over there and they regularly eat them as a pizza topping. No joke."

ZombieR, the Aussies also put Man-o-War jellyfish on their pizza. They're addicted to danger over there. Danger, and esoteric pizzas.

ZOO-TASTROPHE

The 5 Most Terrifying Zoo Exhibits Ever If they were to put Cracked staffers in an exhibit, we'd either be dead in minutes or rulers of the zoo by nightfall. Either way, there'd be a ton of feces just...everywhere.

Notable Comment: "Damm! I think the attendence at our local zoo would skyrocket if you offered crazy folks the chance to dress in furry costumes, then darted and netted. But only if the darts were full of genuine animal tranquilizers, mind."

OlderThanDirt knows what's up. A few minutes in a sweaty fursuit is a small price to pay for all the Special K needles your body can handle.

UNKNOWN FAME

6 People Who Had No Clue Their Faces Were World Famous Just think! One day your face could come to symbolize the struggle of an entire people you've never met. We'd recommend cutting back those bangs.

Notable Comment:"The lesson? Spain shouldn't be an allied country, f**k those socialist, s**ck-breeding retards."

Kindahuge has it right. Complaining when the FBI uses laziness to make your face synonymous with terror is the very definition of socialism.

SAD REVEAL

7 Action Figures that Managed to Ruin Great Characters How many mid-90s Christmases were ruined by the startling revelation that Snake Eyes looked like a total dweeb under that bitchin' mask?

Notable Comment:"I can guarantee now, if you cut a Barbie up expecting to find a wee plastic uterus and such, you will be sorely disappointed. I used the scalpel from the science kit my parents bought me when I was young and did some Barbie ER. Nothing but a flimsy plastic skeleton of-sorts. Disappointing, to say the least."

Beehee, we are terrified of you. That's all. There's no joke here. Please try to avoid cutting up anyone we know or care about.

NO WAY

6 Impossible Escapes Using Impossibler Methods What do you mean 'impossibler' isn't a word? We're the best-selling authors around here. It's word if we say it's a goddamn word.

Notable Comment: "f**k goat herders. Goats might not be very smart but they still feel pain; no animal deserves to be herd."

We're pretty sure Ennuibot meant for there to be a joke here. See if you can sniff it out!

Agents of Cracked

Agents of Cracked: Taking Office Politics Way Too Seriously We are a high brow comedy site, folks.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Historical Figures Endorsed Modern Products We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, First Jobs of Video Game Characters, If All Products Came With Side-Effect Warnings and How Everyday Items Will Confuse Future Archaeologists.