CRACKED ROUND-UP: Stripper Wisdom Edition

Nothing brings quite so much wisdom as a few years in the adult entertainment industry. Strippers live storied lives filled with street fights and Richard Gere's testicles. They've tasted the dark, gritty taint of the city and walked away with heads filled with eldrich knowledge. You'll learn more of Truth in an hour of drinks with a hard-bitten runway warrior than in fifty years of school.

And that, Jack, is why we spent forty-seven hundred dollars at the Men's Club last night. We were doing research. Research on life.

We're all about publc service here at Cracked. One of our dreams is a world where Internet commenters and celebrity death-threateners write with clarity and elegance. Soren Bowie took us closer to that world with a few writing tips for those struggling masses. Christina followed up with a look at the sort of behavior insecure people use to look smart. Coffee break banter gets a whole lot less bearable after reading this. Chris Bucholz stepped up to fill the hole in our week's column schedule- and the hole Oprah's show left in the hearts of millions of middle-aged women. He's a two (menopausal) birds with one stone type of guy.

Hospitals are (ostensibly) where sick people go to get better. They also function as storing houses for all of the bitterest, angriest professionals in the country. John Cheese takes a look at all the colorful characters who make going untreated seem preferable. Seanbaby finished things, with a look at guides for situations terrible enough to make any guide absurd. There's a reason coffin-building is a niche subject. Saving money isn't quite worth the crippling depression of building your own corpse-box.

FAST THINKING

The 6 Most Badass Weapons Ever Improvised in Battle Warfare is a lot like playing with legos. Creativity gets you further than following the rules.

Notable Comment:"i am saddened by the fact that nobody has yet invented a gun that shoots other guns."

TheSquisis appears to be unaware of our latest invention, the Gunapult.

DESPERATE FOR LOVE

The 7 Craziest Things Ever Done to Get Laid We don't want to meet the man who wouldn't defy the Nazis and risk his life for regular sex.

Notable Comment: "Yeah, like you wouldn't f**k Catherine to be king of Poland."

Giondi, we'd fuck Catherine the Great to not be King of Poland. Who needs that kind of stress? Do you think Polamd's had, like, an easy time of it over the last few centuries?

CREATIVE MATERIALS

9 Mind-Blowing Pieces of Art Made With Ridiculous Materials A Lego house is thinking too small. Those things always ended up feeling creepy and cramped. What would really work is a full-sized Lego yacht. Or space ship.

Notable Comment:"I clicked on the link with the nude parents and.... I.... am..... aroused.... o__o DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!"

Too late, Nnoitra. We judged you the moment you typed in your first "C".

SURPRISE DISEASES

6 Personality Quirks You Didn't Know Were Medical Conditions You're sicker than you ever realized! And you have Cracked to thank for the dawning realization of your hellish life.

Notable Comment:"People shouldn't knock hypnotherapy. It helped me out a great deal with my trichotillomania (the urge to pull out hair). It's also very soothing, an hour of trance is the same as 5 hours of sleep."

No offence, DemonCat, but we can smell the caffeine wafting off of your body from here.

ANIMAL RIDES

7 Mind-Blowing Vehicles Built and Driven by Animals We're starting to think Pimp My Ride would be better as a nature documentary.

Notable Comment: "The swankiest nematode? C.elegans. For sure. "

Bobblefighter, we're making you head of our nematode swank-measuring department.

Agents of Cracked

Agents of Cracked Season 3: All Will Be Revealed Get ready for the Crackedpocalypse.

YOU YOU YOU!

The Unhappy Aftermath of Classic Movie Happy Endings We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Every Job Had James Bond-style Gadgets, Famous Characters Past Their Prime and Wildly Irresponsible Game Shows.