Cracked Round-Up: Fantasy Island Edition

Cracked here, reporting in from Fantasy Island- where anything can happen! We're currently dealing with a minor monster problem brought on by all of our twisted dreams coming alive. But as soon as we cage all these flying boner demons and euthanize the tribbles, we should be able to start enjoying our vacation. Surf's up!*

*Unusually high levels of laser-pleisiosaur activity make surfing highly ill-advised.

The Internet has provided the world with a whole host of research opprotunities that would never have existed otherwise. Case in point: Soren Bowie's exhaustive study on who Jean Grey really wants to bone. Christina was next, exposing the fact that nobody really reads your Twitter messages and Facebook updates. Unless "you" happen to be Charlie Sheen. If so, you should check out Luke's column on the worst lessons of 80s anti-drug cartoons.

If you still have a little faith left in the human race, John Cheese will be happy to disabuse you of it with a list of ad campaigns that prove our species is screwed. Seanbaby put together a comprehensive list of the laziest toys of the laziest decade, and Dan O'Brien closed us off with cookbook aimed at shaming the modern nemesis.

ROBANIMAL

7 Bizarre Advances in Animal/Cyborg Technology Way to go, Science. Let's just invite the Apocalypse inside for a hot cup of tea.

Notable Comment:"Blood-thirsty human-sniffing zombie cyborgs that can find you no matter how deep in rubble you're hiding. What's the worst that could happen?"

It's like MWS thinks there's something wrong with zombie cyborgs. What a prude.

MIND CONTROL

6 Tricks Movies Use to Make Sure You Root for the Right Guy Manipulating audiences might actually be easier than shooting fish in a barrel. Guns don't always fire, but the Wayans Brothers keep making money.

Notable Comment: "Hmmm... I'm more educated than the average joe and I have quaint interests. Does that make me a movie villain? No. It makes me a bit of a nerd. :D"

We don't know, Anchupom. It still seems like we should kick you off of a skyscraper or throw you into the intake of a jet engine or something.

GROSS CRITTERS

The 8 Most Disgusting Animal Defenses Seriously nature, you come up with shit like this and then we're supposed to just not murder animals and pollute the planet?

Notable Comment:"I have to admit - if I ever see a shark coming towards me I'd probably intiate the Pygmy Sperm Whale defense. Involuntarily, perhaps, but a defense nonetheless."

SurfaceDog has learned from the wisdom of nature.

STUPID LAWS

6 Things You Won't Believe Got Banned by Modern Government You go China. Keep pushing that time travel ban and maybe we'll be able to stop the third Terminator movie from ever being filmed.

Notable Comment:"Also, Australian Sex Party? I'm there"

It sounds awesome, damselnat, but you should never sign up for an orgy with a mortality rate above 40%. That's just bad sense.

NEW GAMES, OLD TRICKS

6 New Gaming Innovations That are Way Older than You Think It turns out the whole industry has just been coasting for the last, like, thirty years.

Notable Comment: "Does MS now have shares in cracked? this is the upteenth time I've seen nothing but praise to microsuck and trashing to their competition. Interesting.."

Shit. luord's on to us, guys. Our cunning plan is to promote an ailing software giant through Internet comedy. Steve Jobs won't know what hit him.

Daniel O'Brien & Cody Johnston

If the Atlas Shrugged Trailer was Honest Be honest. The first time you saw the Atlas Shrugged trailer, you thought it was fake too.

YOU YOU YOU!

The Unhappy Aftermath of Classic Movie Happy Endings We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Ads For Alternative Uses of Famous Products, Awful Inventions We'll Probably See This Decade and If We Put Animals to Work, Flintstones style..