CRACKED ROUND-UP: Lost in Time Edition

Goddammit. This is why corporate says no Time Machines, Stevens. Someone always fucks up and shoots Hitler and then we're left scrambling for material to cover the rest of the weekend. Now we have to send another team back to stop us from the past. We'll be so buried in paperwork we won't have time to write an intro for the Round-Up!

Soren got the ball rolling this week with a story of love (and blood) lost. If you're starting to feel a little mellow, Bucholz has the harrowing tale of his encounter with a dreaded house-bird. Brockway enters the mix next, with what happens when you watch every MacGwyver in a row. Here's a hint: Cracked had to pay out yet another workman's comp claim to a window-washer. Seanbaby capped our week off with a summary of all he's learned over the course of writing 100 Cracked articles.

REAL FAKE

8 Movie Special Effects You Won't Believe Aren't CGI It's amazing what you can do with a little bit of paint and a heavily modified 18-wheeler.

Notable Comment:"It's absolutely unconscionable to call Bram Stoker's Dracula a masterpiece, even if the director hadn't also made Godfather I and II, Apocalypse Now, and The Conversation. That movie was cheesy, overblown hack-work almost throughout, and Keanu's acting was far from the worst thing about it. Actually, Coppola firing the art department in favor of nepotism sounds like just the kind of crazy decision that could result in such an uneven visual clusterf**k of a movie. There's impressive physical effects, and then there's wobbly shadow puppets and clouds made of cotton balls."

Do you have some sort of problem with wobbly shadow puppets and clouds made of cotton balls, franzibald? Are you too good for them?

SOILED BEAUTY

5 Unspoiled Locations (That Are Actually Pretty Spoiled) On the plus side? We hear Chicago is getting tolerable these days.

Notable Comment: "Nice China-bashing, Yankee imperialist. The government is getting much better at environmental issues over there but nothing good ever gets played on Western media so I guess it never happened."

elltee has it. Sometimes we can hardly see our keyboards through the blinding haze of our Yankee imperialist designs.

SHAMEFUL MONIKER

6 Famous Figures You Only Know by Their Insulting Nicknames The moral of this article is: give everybody you meet an insulting nickname. You never know where it might lead..

Notable Comment:We're pretty sure there's nothing people on the Internet love more than talking about Che Guevara.

LAZY PEOPLE

5 Bad Ideas Humanity is Sticking With Out of Habit Seriously though, Dvorak sounds like some sort of subterranean mole-monster. There's no way that was ever going to take off.

Notable Comment:"By the way, Crapped, the title of the article is "S Bad Ideas HUMANITY is sticking ..." Do you imply that the USA comprises all of humanity?"

Holy balls, BillButcher, Crapped. That's a WAY better name for a comedy site. We're taking it. And if you dare tell anyone this was your idea, we'll cut you. Don't push us on this.

SUPREME SARCASM

5 Awesomely Sarcastic Supreme Court Decisions We have a strange feeling that the Supreme Court offices may be a lot like the Cracked offices.

Notable Comment: "I actually sat in on the Casey Martin hearing as an intern. I remeber, during the oral arguments, Scalia made some crack about whether a player with an extremely large torso would be allowed to play baseball, considering how that affects the strike zone. It got some laughs. But at the time, the case WAS a pretty big deal."

This cinches it, AlexParker. Justice Scalia can preside over the courtroom of our heart any time he wants to.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Classic Movies All Got Video Game Adaptations We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Classic Movies Were Remade by Michael Bay, Memorials to Not So Great Events/People and Hit Songs As Understood By a Six-Year-Old.