CRACKED ROUND-UP: Celebrating Failed New Year's Resolutions Since 1958.
On the plus side, getting permanently banned from the gym for steam room shenanigans is a lot better than just losing interest and wussing out.
The first sober (mostly) week of the year started with the story of Soren's latest abduction by drug lords. Bucholz followed up with a tale of holiday regret, while Brockway highlighted the terrible danger the Cracked book puts all of America in. Seanbaby graded shitty woman's self-defense books and Dan O'Brien closed us off with the shattered life of an idealistic intern. We know a lot about that, here at Cracked.
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BRILLIANT LIES
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 There are a few genius supermen writing for television, but most of them are drug addicts. |
Notable Comment:
"I will always and forever cling to my belief that Spencer Reid is real and waiting for me. No article on Cracked will ever change my mind about that."
Hey Pliny, if you do manage to get him, we'll pay seventy bucks for the hair on his head. More for the whole pelt.
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BANAL EVIL
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 If comic book writers liked working hard, they wouldn't be comic book writers. |
Notable Comment:"Those villains should've realized that no woman can resist the urge to fall in love with/want to f**k Batman."
KathrynUtke, no one wants wants to fuck the Batman. He comes upon you like a force of nature, older than time itself and directed by some primal intellect, far beyond man's ken.
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THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS
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 But you should still trust the government. What are the odds they'll do something shady again? |
Notable Comment:"g*******t THAT'S NOT THE DEFINITION OF... uh... QUEUE."
FadingMind gets the joke.
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THE OTHER SIDE
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 That's right, megalomaniacal madmen of the world. Cracked has your back. |
Notable Comment:
"Oklahoma? Don't you mean Arkansas?"
Mafusma, if we'd meant Arkansas we'd have said Arkansas.
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DON'T FEED THE TROLLS
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 One day people will realize that the only way to WIN against the Internet is to ignore it. |
Notable Comment:
"Maybe the girl should have been shredding f**king papers instead of on Facebook. She was at work. They shouldn't have fired her for the content of the posts, they should have fired her because of the fact that instead of being the best damned paper shredder this side of the Mississippi, she decided to go on Facebook."
KingMotion totally understands how human beings work. The average person is totally capable of throwing their whole being into a meaningless, repetitive job for eight hours straight every day. There's no way that would end in suicide.
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Rue Brutalia
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 Seriously, stop talking about them.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Ill-Conceived Mascots and Two Awesome Products Combined to make a Terrible One.
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1.13.11:
"Fleeing in panic is so mainstream."
by ChaseMitchell
Editor's pick:
Zeus's testicle attracted an entirely predictable crowd of admirers.
by Zombiecross
1.12.11:
And yet somehow there is still pee on the floor
by word632
Editor's pick:
And yet for some reason, no one cared to drink from the fountain of youth.
by Ceveron
1.11.11:
Somewhere in town is a rival coffee shop, paying this man to stand there.
by metsfan
Editor's pick:
Is that a menu or a list of safe words?
by jtklove
1.10.11:
Advancements in photo resolution reveal that Hemingway's famed exploits were not quite what they seemed.
by ChaseMitchell
Editor's pick:
...and then CalvinBall took a rough turn.
by krishnasook
1.09.11:
Years later, she finally got the courage to confront Rapey Dwarf.
by Zombiecross
Editor's pick:
"...the wicked witch pulls a knife, you pull a gun. She sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of hers to the morgue. That's the Disney way."
by Leaf
1.08.11:
I thought she looked a bit mousy too, but this is just mean.
by RushAndRuleIt
Editor's pick:
After the fall of civilization, the game Mousetrap became a deadly, horrifying death sport.
by jakflak
12.31.11:
"Why won't my dad wave to me?"
by Leaf
Editor's pick:
The Browns are looking tougher than ever this year.
by Zombiecross
