CRACKED ROUND-UP: Tips for Summer Edition

Hey kids! It sure is getting hot outside. Odds are, you're looking for a cheap, practical way to stay cool this summer. May we suggest a Cracked Freezie Hat? You can make one yourself for just a few dollars! Simply take a plastic bag, fill it with as much dry ice as you can, and shove it between your scalp and the hat. We guarantee: you won't feel the heat. Or anything north of your eyebrows ever again.

We're all searching for immortality. Some men subsume their will to divinity, while others dedicate their lives to the furtherance of all mankind. And some men, like our own Soren, prefer to seek permanence through purging the shit out of their bowels. When you're done ordering your coffee enema kit, roll on over to Christina's article on five iconic mascots that only exist due to chance and whimsy. We knew marketers weren't that smart. Brockway sobered our week up with the painful truth about whether or not college is worth it. (Hint: It isn't, Mr. Liberal Arts degree.) Seanbaby lightened the mood with a molest-y new side of Bob Hope and Dan O'Brien ended things with an exhaustive analysis of modern movie trailers. We wish his shattered psyche a speedy recovery.

CREATIVE EDITING

6 Deleted Scenes That Prove the Book Isn't Always Better Tom Bombadil is kind of like mescaline. You either hate him, or you can't get enough of him no matter how hard you chew.

Notable Comment:"Hmmm. I'd totally forgotten about the running around nekkid in the grass in LOTR. But then, I'm ok with that, as long as there are no hedgehogs or poison ivy."

We don't understand what HermoineG has against hedgehogs. They beat the hell out of those rascally weasels.

STATUE WARY

The 14 Most Unintentionally Terrifying Statues in the World Boy, they'll just let any old schitzophrenic make a statue these days.

Notable Comment: "Oh really Hindu? Is that statue just too high society for the normal slobs? It's ignorant drek and only pretentious asswads like you assign any artistic credibility to this turd. And yes giant stone vaginas do frighten me,always have,its kinda my phobi"

We're not going to give any context to EddieBlake's statement here. Use your imagination.

KITSCH-STORY

5 Trends You Think Are Ruining Movies (Are Older than Film) Same shit, different century..

Notable Comment:"I don't know who John Galt is, but I know who he isn't. Disappointingly, he's not the Snorg Tees lady."

Wow, schtune, we guess it's easy to neglect the crippling impact advertising can have on the masturbation tendencies of our commenters. And for that, Cracked would like to apologize.

BAD BLOOD

The 6 Creepiest Things Hiding In Your DNA Turns out, your genetic heritage is just as full of terrifying monsters as a Sam Raimi flick

Notable Comment:"Hey buddy, thanks for that last line. I was having trouble never sleeping again."

OminousChris, you can use us to treat your narcolepsy any day of the week. Feel free to operate the hell out of complex machinery now.

RECKLESS DOCTORS

5 Bizarre Accidents That Helped Invent Modern Medicine The mark of a true genius is the ability to turn a half-assed cock-up into a world-changing discovery.

Notable Comment: "Give us Brits a Royal Wedding article, Cracked! We're feeling all patriotic today."

What's that, cmchristou? Some sort of wedding? In Britain? We haven't heard anything about that at all on every single news channel and paper in the goddamn world.

BriTANick

The Most Elaborate Stalking Ever On the house!

YOU YOU YOU!

27 Hit Songs as Understood by a 5-Year-Old We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Textbooks Were Written By Students, Postcards From Time Travel Vacation Hotspots and Classic Movie Scenes Ruined By Product Placement.