5 People Who Started Religions Just to Get Laid

5 Goel Ratzon

If you can't keep a girlfriend, you are not going to like the story of Goel Ratzon. After a decade of marriage to his devoted first wife, Ratzon decided to marry a second woman, somehow managing to keep his first wife in the process. After another 10 years, he found that there were still itches that two wives just couldn't scratch. So in 1991 he married another. At this point, Ratzon's pimping habit snowballed into what's known in the world of addiction as a full on bender.

He did not hide the wives from each other, like a self respecting bigamist. All the women lived together in a single apartment building. And yet, in under two decades, Goel "I'm the Jesus Pimp" Ratzon convinced 19 more women to marry him before screaming black jack and stopping at 21.

Ratzon's was not your run of the mill, just here for the free drinks type of harem. The women live together, competing at things like cooking and cleaning for Ratzon. The winners are the ones who get to have sex with him once in a while. He gained complete control of his wives "desires, thoughts, emotions and actions" by convincing the women that he had the power to heal and cast curses. This only makes sense when you remember that he looked like Dumbledore's hipster kid brother.

But how is Ratzon to know that the women, many of whom severed ties with previous families to come compete for his seed, are really devoted to him? Well, according to Time, "one wife had Ratzon's portrait tattooed on her upper left arm, his head surrounded by snakes with the legend 'Goel Ratzon, my love forever.'"

While Ratzon might not have convinced anyone outside his harem that he is God, he at least makes a compelling case that if God exists, He must be a total bastard.

4 Lee Thompson

The "Kaotians" are a sect of the Gorean society, which follows the ancient text of Gor. By Holy we of course mean science fiction and by ancient we mean the first book came out in 1967. Written by philosophy professor John Norman the Chronicles of Gor are about a planet where humans live in submission to a group of alien priests who kidnapped them from Earth. Despite boasting the sort of view on the universe that would get you banned from most creative writing classes, thousands of people have taken Norman's work seriously enough to create their own Gorean society.

Most of the books are narrated by protagonist, Tarl Chabot, who is coincidentally also a professor, and also into the sort of weird S&M sex that John Norman outlined in his non-fiction sex guide Imaginative Sex. But don't let that description mislead you into thinking that these works are autobiographical. Six of the 27 novels are narrated by slave women, who rise up against their alien captors and fight for their freedom valiantly. Oh wait, no, they love that shit. Being slaves helps them discover their "natural place" as man's submissive helper. This idea of women as slaves carried over to the real world Gorean societies, and is probably the reason they exist at all.

Lee Thompson (pictured above lounging on his green barca lounger throne) was one of the leaders, and the guy everyone else in giant S&M cult probably agreed could stand to tone it down a notch. Often he could be seen around the quaint town of Teesside in jolly old England, walking his slaves with a dog leash. He came to the attention of the law when he started trading the services of his slaves for more hours to play WoW at the local Internet Cafe.

In case you're keeping score at home, being led around on a dog-leash was no match for The Chronicles of Gor's lowering effect on female standards, but getting pimped out for the equivalent of early 90s shovel-ware did the trick.

3 Mary Ellen Tracy

Any guys feeling left out from the horror need only meet the high priestess of "The Church of The Most High Goddess", Mary Ellen Tracy. Working out of her Beverly Hills home she carried on the traditions of one of the oldest religions in the world, dating back to 3200 BC Egypt. It all started when her and her husband were "visited by god" and told that Mary was to sleep with thousands of men! Mary and her husband readily agreed since, you don't want to piss off God, right?

At their home, up to two thousand members of her church took part in rituals that render their sins "wiped out" in the eyes of God, and their penises wiped out in the eyes of their stamina. Rituals included paying to have sex with high priestess Mary Ellen Tracy, and ... well, that's about it actually.

In Mary's words, "I've always been very willing to do what God required whether to be monogamous or to have sex with a few thousand men." The police eventually became involved when they found out about the whole "donation" to that church that was expected from men who boned their way to salvation. The Police seemed to have confused what Mary and her husband were doing with prostitution. Mary pointed out that the men weren't paying money to have sex with her, they were having sex then giving her money, at which point the cops said, "Oooh, our bad," and took her to jail.

OK, so maybe throwing an older woman a bone doesn't make up for all the horror the ladies have had to endure so far on this list. But we'll get close, fellas. Just wait ...

2 Jung Myung-Seok

For sheer lack of effort, it's going to be difficult to top Jung Myung-Seok, who started his own cult after breaking off from the Unification Church of Korea, otherwise know as the Moonies. The Moonies believe that their leader, Sun Myung Moon is the Messiah, and that when his son Heung Jin Nim died tragically in a car accident in the 80s, his spirit was reincarnated into the body of a middle aged Nigerian man, who became known as Black Heung Jin Nim.

Having learned that people will believe any crazy shit you tell them, Jung Myung-Seok started his own church called Jesus Morning Star. Apparently, coming up with a Church name that had the same initials as him was enough hard work for Jung, because he basically stole his entire theology from the Moonies. Of course, there were three minor variations, each one more lazy and shameless than the last:

1. Jung Myung-Seok was the Messiah, not that Moon asshole.

2. Original sin, originated when Eve had sex with Satan, and could only be defeated by allowing the Savior into your heart and body.

3. The Savior was Jung Myung Seok's penis.

In fact, pretty much every aspect of the JMS theology ran through Jung Myung Seok's penis. He even instituted a "can't get yours till I get mine" policy in which couples wanting to marry had to recruit 3 new members, preferably tall and hot the way the Messiah liked them.

1 The Family International

At first glance, hippies and Christians wouldn't seem to have much in common. History tends to remember the hippies as godless heathens, and Christianity has always objected to music and dancing, whether it's the kind in Footloose or the hippie kind where you can't really tell that they're trying to dance. But the one thing both seem to agree on is that sex should be made as unappealing as possible.

Enter the Family International, a Christian cult that arose from the hippie movement. Taking advantage of their access to the two most unappealing contexts in which sex has ever happened, giant bands of hippies wandered the country, attempting to convert followers with their genitals. The practice was called "flirty fishing"-flirty for obvious reasons, and fishing after the only activity less sexy than having sex with a hippy for Christ.

Typically, women would go out and try to lure men into the church by having sex with them. So basically it was like dating, only instead of trying to lure you into marriage, these women were trying to lure you into marrying Jesus. That's not our creepy metaphor either. According to a website run by former members of the cult, the TFI frequently compare sermons and prayer to receiving Jesus' semen, and encourage members to imagine that Jesus is having sex with them while they're actually having sex.

And here's where we get to the cosmic payback for all the bullshit that women have had to put up with from men up to this point in the article. See, the male members of the cult are also supposed to imagine that they're having sex with Jesus. They just have to visualize themselves as women getting plowed by Jesus while they have sex with their wives to avoid this being gay. Because having gay sex with Jesus would be, y'know, creepy.

To check out more of Eric Yosomono you can visit him at GaijinAss

For more ridiculous cults, check out 6 Insane Cults That Would Probably Be a Lot of Fun. On a related topic, we have 6 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid.

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