CRACKED ROUND-UP: Difficult Lessons Edition
Trust us. No matter how delicious it may seem, using peanut butter as lubricant will only ever end in tears. Tears and very strange burns.
Cracked's week began with one bold man's quest to stalk his ex-girlfriend through the tender medium of wedding photography. Next, Chris Bucholz taught marketers how to fuck their customers and get away with it, while Seanbaby asked a hard question. What if Green Lantern was a pervert? Robert Brockway published Cracked's first mustache-critical article, and Dan O'Brien put together a guide to writing suspense like Glenn Beck.
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TRASHY LITERATURE
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 One day, the world will realize that your Haldir-versus-Iron Man slash fic was really the finest piece of romantic literature of the 21st century. |
Notable Comment:
"I know, dude! When you hear about the criticisms, you're like, "come on, it can't possibly be *that* gay" and then it pretty much is. But it really is great, I've highlighted and underlined and taken notes all over my copy, and I am rarely moved to do that. As an example of its acceptance now, I've had to read it twice for class, and my buddy had to read it in an ethics class in seminary. And weren't they doing another movie about it recently? So... yeah... Right on, Hazl."
We're not going to tell you what book Micawber was talking about here. It's funnier that way.
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RED COLLAR
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 Meanwhile, the only health risk from working at home comes from years upon years of getting hammered before 9 every morning on rum & coffee. |
Notable Comment:
"Everyone's life is a tragedy and everyone's tragedy is bigger and badder than everyone else's."
And that, TimSchulte, is why we have powerful psychotropic drugs. Or, in a pinch, trash bags filled with ether.
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DAMNIT JAPAN
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 Seriously, we would give anything for an explanation from the artist as to why he made Adolph Fucking Hitler look like a fairy princess. |
Notable Comment:
"is there any action in the alice and wonderland one"
You stay classy, skerzy.
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MYSTICAL TRUTH
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 Either our ancestors weren't entirely full of shit, or we are. |
Notable Comment:
"I am upset that the title was not 100% accurate. Also, "Naked Lunch" had no naked people or lunches, and "Postcards From The Edge" had no postcards."
sweetalker writes the truth.
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POINTLESS EXCELLENCE
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 Proof that not everyone should be told to follow their dreams. |
Notable Comment:
SandroTheMaster posed a question; "So please answer me. How exactly is any of these any more pointless and useless than swimming across the ocean or doing a marathon? Out than the fact that each and every one of these cases is orders of magnitude less dangerous and life-threatening?"
And thesounddefense responded, "Here's an experiment for you: go up to two different women at the bar. Tell one of them you managed to swim across the Atlantic. Tell the other you memorized pi to 70,000 places. Which woman is going home with you?"
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DOES NOT COMPUTE
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 The word "unsettling" isn't strong enough.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Scientific Breakthroughs The World Will Regret
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7.29.10:
Trevor suffered from a split personality. One was all heart, the other all dick.
by Mothra24
Editor's pick:
The tragic consequence of running with scissors.
by HMS_Ford
7.28.10:
You are free from your work being my testicles. Go! Live!
by yungblud21
Editor's pick:
In Ireland you kiss the Blarney Stone for luck. In Scotland, you kiss this guy's stones. Or else.
by LilMcGil
7.27.10:
He-who-shall-not-be-laid
by philroco
Editor's pick:
Part man, part dragon, all still living in his parents' basement.
by LilMcGil
7.26.10:
This little piggy went to San Francisco...
by Rhymenstein
Editor's pick:
Looks like you can put more than just lipstick on a pig.
by Backinblack
7.25.10:
Reggie knew people were making fun of his invention. He could hear them from miles away, laughing at him.
by gnomeenthusiast
Editor's pick:
Always use protection when having phone sex, or you might get hearing aids.
by its-a-sexytime
7.24.10:
After seeing this photo, competing band Edison promptly stole the designs for Tesla's stage props, then smashed the originals to bits.
by RodneyHardman
Editor's pick:
30 years later, we finally found the guy who killed Disco
by bcanders
7.23.10:
The trap is set... everyone silently waits for Charlie Sheen to appear...
by Backinblack
Editor's pick:
"Higher!" she exclaimed, "I want to see how proud my parents are!"
by metsfan
