If 'Eclipse' Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest
The third entry in the Twilight franchise has come and mostly gone. As we did with Twilight and its sequel New Moon we sent The-Editing-Room.com, to check it out and summarize it in his trademark style. We've given up hope that he can one day learn to forgive us.
FADE IN:
EXT. A BEAUTIFUL MEADOW
KRISTIN STEWART lies among the PURPLE ASTER as ROBERT PATTINSON gently runs his fingers through her OBVIOUS WIG.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Oh Kristin, I can't believe how in love with you I am.
KRISTIN STEWART
I can't believe this is the first scene in a movie about vampires and werewolves. I feel like I'm outside of Kensington Palace after Princess Diana died.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Marry me, Kristin. Where I come from, that's how you show someone you love them.
KRISTIN STEWART
Where you come from? You're not a fucking time-traveler, you were around for the sexual revolution. It's 2010, I can show you I love you just by giving you an ass pass.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Why won't you marry me? Is it because you know my career is over after these shitty movies are done?
KRISTIN STEWART
It's not that. I'm just not ready at 18 to make a decision that will last me the rest of my life. Now, when are you going to turn me into a bloodthirsty immortal vampire?
TAYLOR LAUTNER interrupts on his MOTORCYCLE.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Kristin, I love you. Pick me instead of Robert and I promise to always stay on the steroids I used to get this ripped.
KRISTIN STEWART
Didn't we resolve this at the end of the last movie? I picked Robert, he proposed. End of conflict.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
That was before Stephanie Meyer realized people would read 629 pages of that conflict being re-resolved. Let's make out.
Meanwhile...
EXT. SEATTLE
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD'S newest vampire, XAVIER SAMUEL, turns a lot of people into VAMPIRES, including JODELLE FERLAND.
XAVIER SAMUEL
Holy shit, what's a decent vampire film doing being spliced into the rest of this emo shit?
JODELLE FERLAND
I like being a vampire, but I'm conflicted about it. That gives me depth, put me in a spin-off!
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
Soon, I shall have an army of vampires! Then we can finally kill Wesley Snipes! And afterward, Robert Pattinson's family!
XAVIER SAMUEL
You're in this? Aren't you normally brought into movie franchises just as they're starting to suck? Like Spider-Man, Terminator and M. Night Shyamalan's career?
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
I guess the director was hoping I'd have the opposite effect in a franchise that already sucks.
XAVIER SAMUEL
It's not working.
INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S HOUSE
KRISTIN STEWART'S GRADUATING CLASS has a party in a DEN OF VAMPIRES. This does not proceed as awesomely as one would hope.
ANNA KENDRICK
Hey Kristin! Like, ohmigod, what did you think of my graduation speech?
KRISTIN STEWART
The one where you encouraged a room full of teenagers to go become total fuckups because nobody will hold them accountable for their mistakes while they're young? It was great.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Congratulations, Kristin. Now you can start thinking about colleges that don't matter since you're going to be a vampire soon. I majored in Basketweaving.
NIKKI REED
Kristin, you shouldn't become a vampire. Before I was a vampire, my life was perfect.
KRISTIN STEWART
Wow, you actually get lines this time, huh? Don't blow it by overacting.
KRISTIN STEWART (CONT.)
Aww, too late.
NIKKI REED
100 years ago, I had a crush on this guy. One day he and his four friends got drunk, brutally raped me in the street and left me for dead. Then I got turned into a vampire and got my revenge.
KRISTIN STEWART
You and I have wildly different definitions of perfection.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
I still love you, Kristin, and I still have an eight-pack. I brought you a graduation present, it's a Three Wolf Moon T-shirt. It only comes in XXXXL though, sorry.
ASHLEY GREENE
You guys, I just got one of my plot-convenient visions of the future. Xavier Samuel and Bryce Dallas Howard are coming here. They'll be here in four days!
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Four days to get from Seattle to Forks? That's a three-hour drive.
ROBERT PATTINSON
They're coming for Kristin. We need all of the vampires and all of the wolves to risk being killed to save her. Never forget that the life of one human is worth a hundred werewolves and vampires.
PETER FACINELLI
Astonishingly, I agree. Taylor, tell your family to meet us in the woods so Jackson Rathbone can teach you how to be Scruffy the Vampire Slayer.
KRISTIN STEWART
Wait guys, we're in serious danger of this movie becoming interesting. Is there any way that this fighting could happen off screen while Robert, Taylor and I pout about our feelings in the mountains?
JACKSON RATHBONE
I think thassa peachy-keen idea, Krist'n. Oh look, I suddenly have a Texan accent, y'all!
EXT. MOUNTAINS
KRISTIN and ROBERT sit together in a TENT while UNDERWORLD 4 happens 1,000 feet below them.
KRISTIN STEWART
Just a little while ago I told my dad I was a virgin. He was relieved, so I figured I'd immediately have sex with you, what do you think?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Sounds good. Wait, that doesn't involve vaginas, does it? I really hate those things.
KRISTIN STEWART
Robert, I think I'm freezing to death. I can't believe none of us thought to stop by a sporting goods store on our way to the snow-covered mountains to pick up a decent mummy bag.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Mummies?! Where?! I knew Stephanie Meyer couldn't be done fucking up monsters!
TAYLOR LAUTNER
It's alright Kristin, I'll just climb in and keep you warm while Robert watches. Audience members may want to take notes for later use in their fanfiction.
KRISTIN STEWART
Thanks, I feel better.
(pause)
Um, Taylor?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
That's my, er, tribal, uh, wand. Gotta keep it in my front pants pocket. Werewolf stuff.
Suddenly, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD shows up.
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
At last, I can kill some random girl that I'm obsessed with for some reason!
ROBERT PATTINSON
Nobody scowls at my future wife except me! Fight me, Bryce!
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Future wife? You're marrying him? Despite that fact that you've rejected me for the entire movie, I didn't see this coming!
KRISTIN STEWART
Taylor! Stay!
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Is that a dog joke?
KRISTIN STEWART
Listen, I do love you. I just love Robert more. And I love the idea of being a vampire the most.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
This makes me so angry that I'm going to go fight to protect you!
He joins his PACK. ROBERT confronts BRYCE.
ROBERT PATTINSON
This needs to end, Bryce! The audience is having trouble continuing to accept that an entire family of vampires is helpless against one measly redheaded vampire chick.
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
I don't think so. They wouldn't bother recasting me just to have me in two scenes and then die!
(decapitated)
KRISTIN STEWART
Robert, we have to go make sure Taylor didn't get hurt, which he almost certainly did since Stephanie Meyer's magical typewriter can only produce cliches!
KRISTIN and ROBERT arrive at the BATTLE just as it's ending.
ROBERT PATTINSON
God, the last movie made 300 million dollars, how can the wolf effects still look this bad?
KRISTIN STEWART
Because the movie is going to make the exact same amount of money regardless of how they look. We're lucky they aren't drawn with permanent marker on the film reel.
TAYLOR LAUTNER IN DOG FORM is suddenly attacked by ONE LAST VAMPIRE and injured.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Arrgggh I didn't see this coming, either!
PETER FACINELLI
The Volturi are coming. You need to get out of here, Dakota Fanning is more of a cat person.
TAYLOR'S FAMILY takes him home.
PETER FACINELLI
Seriously, where do their pants come from? Did they just keep a huge pile of pants behind a rock during the fight?
DAKOTA FANNING
Looks like I'm too late. Just wanted to remind everyone that, even though Bryce is dead, this franchise still has something slightly resembling an antagonist.
ROBERT PATTINSON
So I guess you're the one we'll have to defeat in the fourth movie, then? As long as Denzel Washington isn't on guard detail, I think we can take you.
DAKOTA FANNING
Oh, you didn't hear? The last book has been split into two movies, so there's two left.
MALES IN AUDIENCE
MOTHERFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-
END
Check out more of Rod's scripts, in If 'The Happening' Was 10X Shorter and 100X More Honest and Terminator: Salvation (If They Left Out The Bullshit).
