Cracked Round-Up: Lazy Days Of Summer Edition

Ah, summer. The smell of chlorinated air and hot-dogs at the swimming pool, dramamine & everclear margaritas and, of course, irresponsible amounts of military-grade fireworks. Most folks tend to think that summer doesn't really start until around June 20. Here at Cracked, summer starts as soon as the first intern loses a finger at one of our "Drunken Luau Fridays".

LAME

The 5 Worst Deaths Written For Great Characters (And Why) Poor Marsden...caught between X3 and Superman Returns. There is no "win" scenario there.

From BARBARASCY; "I have to say that I was so pissed off with Alien 3 that after watching it all I could do was just stare at the screen in disbelief. That was one of the most disappointing movie-going experiences I have ever had. The second most disappointing was Species 2. Complete crap. "

Here is proof for the ages that some one, at some point in time, saw the trailers for Species II and thought, "That looks AWESOME!"

LAPSE

The 6 Most Important Things Humanity Just Plain Forgot History is complicated. Sometimes little things, like 5.5 ton golden statues of Buddha, slip through the cracks.

"What about Greek fire? If it's not important, it definitely counts as AWESOME "

Sorry, RedEye5, we're not about to lament people having one less way to kill each other with fire.

CRUNCH-TIME

5 Unknown Schmucks Who Turned Into Superheroes in the Clutch We really don't use the word "schmuck" enough in articles. Try saying it ten times fast. We guarantee your day will get better.

"Who the hell decides in what order these are placed? How is a f**king drummer at a concert and a person running for books (no matter how priceless) more noteworthy than the guy who ran to a fire and saved a baby?"

If rayemoon99 had ever heard 'Pinball Wizard' live, he wouldn't be so concerned about some dumb old baby..

HISTOROSITY

6 Supposedly Ancient Traditions (That Totally Aren't) What, no fatwah?

Notable Comment:

"What is it about Cracked columnists love to bash America and the founding fathers? you sound like spoiled whiny liberal overpriveleged brats "

It's not our fault, SyncTank. The liberal poli-social 'ivory tower' junta brainwashed us to feel terrible pain whenever we think of America as anything but a psycopathic fire-breathing devil monster.

SICKO

6 True Stories About Disneyland They Don't Want You To Know Welcome to the crappiest place on earth.

Notable Comment:

"Lol I remember going to Disney land on one of the gay days. It was pretty funny when I finally found out why so many people were wearing red shirts on the same day. Funny side note: Old Navy had some big Disneyland thing on the same day, and all of the old navy people were also wearing red shirts that looked almost Identical to the Gay day shirts."

JeffKunz isn't calling everyone who works for Old Navy gay, but he's implying it pretty hard.

CRACKED

Changing The World Is Harder Than It Looks (Feat. Aisha Tyler) Cracked is moving up in the world.

YOU YOU YOU!

Instructional Diagrams For People Who Suck At Everyday Life We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Superheroes Were Assholes.

4.29.10:

Your move, Pied Piper.
by Jokester

Editor's pick:

At least it doesn't have opposable thu...OHH SHIT
by phosita

4.28.10:

Scientific Fact: Austrailians cannot adapt to life in the Northern Hemisphere.
by IBCannonFodder

Editor's pick:

Oh, excuse me. I think I have the wrong swingers' club.
by geniuswaitress

4.27.10:

"If you keep making that face you'll be stuck like that" -Unknown, Pompeii AD 79
by Oculus

Editor's pick:

My First Tragic Skin Disease, by Hasbro.
by jtklove

4.26.10:

The words "Seriously you guys this isn't funny anymore" are the most common last words among tape-factory workers.
by SwedeMan

Editor's pick:

Another tragic example of Date Tape.
by DoctorX

4.25.10:

Contrary to what history books tell us, Jefferson was in fact, a little teapot, short and stout.
by benrichardsrm

Editor's pick:

Thomas Jefferson: Great President. Terrible scarecrow.
by metsfan

4.24.10:

"Jesus, John - get off of him! He's earned the Klondike bar already!"
by mess

Editor's pick:

If you can think of a better way to get an erection, I'd like to hear it.
by Mr.Excalibur

4.23.10:

"Well on the bright side, I don't think she was a witch."
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Fire, water, earth and immigrant labor - the four essential elements necessary for life.
by RodneyHardman