Cracked Round-Up: Controversial Claims Edition

Herbert Hoover shot JFK.

Pearl Harbor was an inside job.

Cocaine whitens teeth and strengthens bones.

Punching an Irishman every day will keep you from contracting syphilis.

EVOLUTION

6 Human Character Flaws (That Saved the Species) Being a slothful, lazy bastard isn't a character flaw, it's an adaptation.

"We should all have sweaty drunk naked sex with each other while rolling in melted butter"

jenga, you bring the melted butter and we'll bring the sweat, drunk, naked comedy writers.

MIRROR

6 Absurd Movie and TV Plot Twists (That Really Happened) Wow. Apparently Hollywood is even less original than we thought.

"yes, you a*****e author. you CLEARLY HAVENT BEEN TO A MATERNITY WARD lately. f**k you."

That's not even close to true, ctype. We spend all our time at the maternity ward. It's a great place to pick up chicks. (And spare babies!)

EVIL

5 Reasons You Should Be Scared of Apple Who could have predicted a gigantic, transnational megacorporation would turn out to be evil?

"I recently started getting emails from Apple, which I found kind of peculuar, seeing as I DON'T OWN ANY APPLE PRODUCTS! How did that happen? "

They've found you, ediblesdefense. The Death Squad will be at your door in a matter of minutes.

BOTS

The 6 Most Badass Robots (Invented Before Electricity) Incredible examples of early man's ingenuity, or early infiltrators from Skynet?

Notable Comment:

"Forget all that other stuff! I want an ejaculating bunny on my front yard! "

We might not be able to get you a bunny, mister.write, but we do have an intern nicknamed bunny that we could send over. He weighs seven hundred pounds and hasn't showered since the Carter Administration.

LIES

5 Things The Media Loves Pretending Are News The media, lazy and full of filthy, filthy lies? Who could possibly have predicted such a thing?!

Notable Comment:

Yes, we misspelled Jon Stewart's name. You can all go sodomize an alligator.

SWAIM

6 Creative Ways to Ruin Your Own Wedding It's a wonder only 50% end in divorce.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Cartoons Were More Like The Real World We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Worst Self-Help Book Ever

2.18.10:

And the Chow jumped over the moons..
by ozweego

Editor's pick:

While Chang and his friends distracted the tourists, the rest of the gang were back ransacking their hotel rooms.
by KDMurphy

2.17.10:

The SciFi Channel: We'll make any movie you give us a script for.
by Fkelleghan

Editor's pick:

This is the final shot of the final episode of LOST. Man, are the nerds going to be PISSED.
by Julius_Goat

2.16.10:

No, I do not want a little Captain in me.
by GaseousClay

Editor's pick:

For every queen, a Crown.
by seannyb

2.15.10:

Before she dies of lung cancer.
by noreport

Editor's pick:

That's a whole country album's worth of material right there.
by Fkelleghan

2.14.10:

I'd make a snarky comment, but he's probably getting more than me.
by Mikelibrarian

Editor's pick:

My love for you is like a humidifier with a paper heart on it and robot arms
by Vint

2.13.10:

There was no turning back for George, he forget the safe word once again
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

Mush, my hamster minions! We shall overthrow Camelot before the night is through!
by keybladeboy

2.12.10:

Mr. Gaga
by yeahme

Editor's pick:

Maybe we can't recast the Joker.
by unamerican