Cracked Round-Up: Conspiracy Edition

This is not a drill. For the last six days, someone has been stealing all of the jelly donuts from our office break-room. We initially suspected Dan, but he's had a jelly phobia since he was a child. The only possibility we haven't been able to rule out is a massive, far-reaching government conspiracy. The CIA, NSA, IRS, DEA, and DART are all working together to sabotage our operation from the inside.

Oh...wait, no. It turns out we just forgot to order more. Shoot. We probably shouldn't have renounced our citizenship and started selling secrets to the Chinese.

DON'T

7 Common Survival Tactics (that Will Get You Killed) The Boy Scouts filled your head with lies.

"The best thing you can do if you feel a lightning strike is imminent (i.e. hairs are standing up, you have no place to get inside or to low ground, etc) is to bend over w/ your ass in the air. Not kidding. The best you can hope for is the lightning to strike your butt, and go down your legs, avoiding stopping your heart. "

CroatGoat, we guess being sodomized by lightning is better than dying, but not by much.

BROKE

6 Logical Fallacies That Cost You Money Every Day Your brain is actively trying to fuck over your bank account. Why fight it? Donate the rest of that money to Cracked.com and we'll send you a complementary nothing at all.

"I love this stuff. I should probably stop reading the comments though. "

Oh, how we envy you, Doriinatrix.

DANGER

8 Hilarious Brain Farts That Endangered National Security Sleep tight tonight, everyone. Your security is in the hands of men Inspector Clouseau would consider incompetent.

Notable Comment:

"Seems like a lot of these are in England. Now, I'm English, but I assumed that these colossal security breaches just happened in every country. I mean, even the Spanish seem better than us, and those people can't run a piss-up in a brewery. "

Pedgerow, did you ever stop to wonder if your excellent beer and shitty national security might be connected?

COPPERS

7 Bullshit Police Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks To Movies) Harmless Hollywood lies, or propaganda carefully inserted by the government to give us faith in the cops?

"Yeah, the Joker had to threaten a cop with a piece of broken glass for them to give him a cell phone. Watch the movies before critizing them. "

Dreadjaws, called us on it. No one at Cracked has ever seen Dark Knight. We were all busy doing 8-balls and watching Chocolate that evening.

GLADSTONE

Ridiculous Moments From CNN's Report On Facebook Addiction Responsible journalism!

YOU YOU YOU!

The Greatest Stories Ever Told Summed Up Via Infographic We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Pranks You'd Play (If You Had a Time Machine)

1.21.09:

German parades are a joyless affair.
by Mothra24

Editor's pick:

When your prisoners are deaf, mute, and blind; a prison can be set up anywhere.
by FRESH_DOUCHE

1.20.10:

How far will we go to stop the spread of H1N1?
by ovarykill

Editor's pick:

The first time someone in a rock n' roll band has used protection.
by LegitimateJoe

1.19.10:

I love rolling in my Poo too.
by JCarlton

Editor's pick:

Once again, Joel got drunk and ruined family day at the pool.
by FRESH_DOUCHE

1.18.10:

They were all fascinated by it, but tragedy struck as they failed to notice the enormous cue ball rolling down the street at 80 mph.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

This is the actual 8-ball of coke used to pay Robert Downey Jr for Iron Man 2
by liberalScum

1.17.10:

I think she might have a Sixth Element you should probably know about...
by Kamikaze Phoenix

Editor's pick:

I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes. I also wonder why there is a penis in the carpet.
by Julius_Goat

1.16.10:

Sally was in a wheelchair, and one day she decided: "You know what? FUCK ramps."
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Thanks E-Harmony!
by Mr.Excalibur

1.15.10:

"Dude...No, seriously....Where the f**k did all the bicycles go?....."
by mabogo

Editor's pick:

If there's a god, Bill O'reilly will come back as that stick pony.
by registereduser