Cracked Round-Up: Searing Bowel Pain Edition

Never ever try an anal vodka bong.

HUH

The 10 Most Baffling Action Figure Accessories of All-Time We're pretty sure toy designers do a lot of blow.

"Those Spider-Man toys are Hilarous. Have you seen the Spider-Man bow & arrow sset from China? You shoot the arrow from his crotch! "

That sounds shamefully erotic, likalaruku.

COCK

5 Animals That Can Do Amazing Things...With Their Penises Curse our lazy human penises.

Cara272 says, "I was expecting to find the opossum. It's got a forked dick, goddamn it."

Thanks to a tragic can-opener mishap, so does Swaim.

CRIME

5 Inspiring Acts of Kindness by Terrifying Crime Syndicates Deep within the heart of every murdering, heartless psychopath is a good Samaritan just waiting to get out.

Notable Comment:

"The Stones were staying on an island and the hells angels plan was to take a boat over there to kill Jagger. The boat sank halfway and the fat old bikers almost drown. I do belive Mick might be the devil. "

You may be onto something, nana. Has anyone ever seen Satan and Jagger together at the same time?

BATSHIT

6 TV Shows That Completely Lost Their Shit Shows like these remind us why writers need editors so very badly.

"Yeah, basically what Lupedajedi said. I thought Family Matters was boring until Steve Urkel started becoming more of a main character. I loved it. It was my favorite Sitcom as a kid. "

Hamsterjelly, you are what is wrong with television.

DEADLY

6 Movies With Uplifting Messages (That Can Kill You) Lies are the backbone of the film industry.

Notable Comment:

"I like it when when people point out things like this. It makes me feel smarter to know all our favorite movies have glurgesque dark undertones. "

Psychic_cowman, what the hell does glurgesque mean?

BriTANick

Worst Morning Person Ever Five more minutes.

YOU YOU YOU!

If The Real World Was Like Facebook We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Great Figures, Caught With Their Pants Down.

12.17.09:

Don't get any closer ... The ship is protected by a Wacky-Waving Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube-Man.
by WOITAS

Editor's pick:

You sunk my battleship! Ha, ha. No, but seriously, you killed three of my friends.
by Blinker_Fluid

12.16.09:

Art Thou Ready To Rumble???
by Kamikaze Phoenix

Editor's pick:

Knight takes Rook with an elbow to the face.
by TaterTots

12.15.09:

No wonder Asian hamburgers taste funny
by LoboBrunt

Editor's pick:

The monthly "Mocking of the A Minus Students" procession gives the rest of the world insight into Japan's need to excel.
by yeahme

12.14.09:

The Trojan Whore
by bryp777

Editor's pick:

She is going to give those terrorists SUCH a scolding!
by Julius_Goat

12.13.09:

One Clown, 2 Many Cups
by Kamikaze Phoenix

Editor's pick:

"As your new neighbor, I'm legally required to tell you what I do with these cups..."
by Kamikaze Phoenix

12.12.09:

Free hugs are free for a reason.
by BrendanMcGinley

Editor's pick:

It is very hard to balance a coffee cup and your dignity. One out of two isn't bad.
by Julius_Goat

12.11.09:

But do you recall . . . the most f**ked up reindeer of all?
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

That's the last hunting trip I take with HP Lovecraft.
by BrendanMcGinley