Cracked Round-Up: Nineties Edition.

We spent this week watching 'Cheers' and listening to Matchbox 20 while we cruised in our fleet of Eddie Bauer Jeeps. It was radical. Wait, was radical the '90s or the '80s? Our concept of time has been kind of skewed since that DMT party Brockway threw.

PERFIDY!

6 'Facts' About Historic Figures (Their Enemies Made Up) We've said it before and we'll say it again; all of history is lies.

Notable Comment:"Hitler did only have one testicle. In WW1 a British soldier stitched him up in a trench after an explosion nearly killed him. The man who saved him had written all of this down in his diary and many years later after he had died, his son found his diary and in it was how he had saved Hitler and that if he had left him to die in that trench world war 2 would never have happened." Yes, FranPorn, because World War 2 was just about Hitler. Why doesn't anyone ever give Mussolini any credit? Or Hirohito? Or Reinhard Heydrich? No one ever thinks of poor Reinhard Heydrich.

SERVITUDE

9 Toys That Prepare Children for a Life of Menial Labor. We are all slaves to the machine We are all slaves to the machine We are all slaves to the machine We are all slaves to the machine We are all slaves to the machine We are all slaves to the machine

Notable Comment: "'These Colors Don't Run' temporary tattoos You're right. Being patriotic is HILARIOUS! People who actually love the country they live in should be ridiculed." Curses! Devilman has discovered our nefarious anti-American agenda! This could be the end of Cracked's weekly flag desecration contest as we know it. Ah, well, Gladstone always won anyway.

CHILDREN'S LITERATURE

5 Ways People Are Taking Harry Potter Waaay Too Seriously. CHILDREN'S BOOKS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS

Notable Comment:"I don't think that Quidditch would be so bad if they didn't have those damned brooms." FuryofSinzy, that's like saying 'if it weren't for the open sores and hallucinations, syphilis would be bitchin'!'

CONNERY

5 Spies with Bigger Balls Than James Bond We bet any of these spies would have traded their bigger balls for Bond's functional immortality and incredible resistance to venereal disease.

Notable Comment:"I don't think Mata Hari should be on here. Really it takes a lot to out-balls Bond and well to be quite frank she got turned over by both countries. Sorry, Flashpenny, what we meant to say is that Mata Hari sucked bigger balls than James Bond's.

PELIGRO!

The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Work Safety Videos Existence is terrifying.

Notable Comment: "This makes me wonder: How many accidents occur each year during the filming of workplace safety videos? And does this mean that there are workplace safety videos geared towards people working on workplace safety videos?" No, qwertpoi, they just have to watch the workplace safety videos after they film them. They probably spend the whole time telling each other stories about funny things that happened on set. And then, because no one was listening during the movie, seven men die because a boom mike is improperly secured and detonates several inappropriately place canisters of propane.

Gladstone

The Absolute Low Point in CNN's Michael Jackson Coverage Gladstone is the devil.

YOU YOU YOU!

13 Things That Changed the World (by Getting Thrown Away) We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Inventions We Badly Need at the Office (or Workplace).

7.16.09:

Duck, Duck, Goose is a very intense game in Japan.
by luckyb

Editor's pick:

What this homeless guy saved on housing he spent on home security.
by Diasdiem

7.15.09:

They tried this with Twilight and found it impossible to give anyone more than one dimension.
by NotEsquire

Editor's pick:

Hmmm...I've read the books, seen the movies, but how can I REALLY waste time on this Harry Potter thing?
by kengoldstein

7.14.09:

The Oompa Loompas have their own version of the KKK.
by geniuswaitress

Editor's pick:

You won't believe this, but these guys have some Monty Python memorized.
by Julius_Goat

7.13.09:

Well, I see Jack in the box. And there's Dick in a box. You'll have to introduce me to the others.
by Ronin22

Editor's pick:

Shortly after Barbie's arrest, detectives discovered a ghastly scene beneath the floorboards of her Beverly Hills mansion.
by Unept

7.12.09:

Geeks everywhere said "Fuck it" and just created an Everything Convention.
by racedogg2

Editor's pick:

So Elvis, a mexican wrestler and Jabba the Hutt walk into a convention, but no one cares because a REAL LIFE GIRL JUST ARRIVED!
by Tessica

7.11.09:

I like sausage fests, especially if they involve balls and head.
by JimmSolo

Editor's pick:

This is why America has never embraced soccer.
by Brett-Butler

7.10.09:

Thank GOD it doesn't use a joystick.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

this is the creepiest eye-test I've done in a while...
by iamquitebored