Cracked Round-Up: Fall Edition

Cracked Round-Up: Fall Edition

The mailman has just delivered our 4th quarterly shipment of Canadian painkillers and research chemicals, which can only mean one thing; Fall is here! It's time for drunken costume parties, rum-soaked feasts, and pumpkin-and-codeine smoothies

BIGBRO

5 Ways You're Secretly Being Monitored What good is privacy, anyway?

Notable Comment: "Every time I read an article like this I wonder if the government wouldn't keep a special eye on people who read articles like this. Shit, now I've commented. I'm so on someone's list now."

OW

7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their penises.

Notable Comment: "Oh, and ladies, here's Pelcurus's free sex tip #1. Don't waste your time telling your man he's going in the wrong hole. He's not. That's the exact hole he's going for."

And in one fell swoop, pelcurus disqualifies himself from any form of public office or babysitting job.

IRRATIONAL

5 Irrational Fears (Even Rational People Have) Deep down, we're all terrified, horny animals acting out of fear, lust, and convenience. That is why proctologists will always have work, and why Internet comedians will always have material.

Notable Comment: "Fear of black people should be on the list. "

SCARRING

7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies This is what happens when you let people drop tons of acid and then direct children's movies.

Notable Comment:"There is a story about Robert Helpmann (the guy who plays the childcatcher). His nephews had just watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang; clearly, they recognized their uncle as the creepy candy-selling maniac from the film. Freaked out of their little minds, they asked their parents whether Uncle Robert was really a childcatcher. To convince the children that he wasn't actually the character that he plays in the film, the parents called Robert Helpmann up. When he picked up, he whispered "I have a little secret....... I really AM the childcatcher!". What an awesome guy. "

WRITASTIC

5 Authors More Badass Than The Badass Character They Created Now the trick is to get the ladies to believe that all writers are this badass.

Notable Comment: col_p asks; "For the record, I've been to Hemingway's house in Key West, and it's awesome. Also, he kept it stocked with a huge amount of six-toed cats. "

YOU YOU YOU!

The Collateral Damage Video Games Never Show We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, How Culture Would Change If The Internet Vanished

10.15.09:

Maybe someone should put up a sticky note about getting a suggestion box.
by culverboy1

Editor's pick:

The Great Wall of Health Code Violations
by librarianmike

10.14.09:

In Soviet Russia, Penis enlarges PILL!
by SpankMac

Editor's pick:

It must be a laxative, because every Craption I've seen so far is shitty.
by superjaded

10.13.09:

"Using hydrogen for these ballons was a great idea, can't wait for the Hindenburg show tomorrow!"
by aaa182

Editor's pick:

"I'm right by the John Goodman and Sarah Jessica Parker floats."
by Dunstin Checks Out

10.12.09:

Will someone tell Woody Harrelson I found his backpack.
by DrTom

Editor's pick:

He's going to feel so silly when he realizes that he's protesting to legalize oak leaves.
by Julius_Goat

10.11.09:

How lesbians get nailed.
by burkgirl

Editor's pick:

Mary-Kate and Ashley finally release the movie we've all really been waiting for.
by geniuswaitress

10.10.09:

... and by transformers 5, they had just stopped trying.
by Sev Squad

Editor's pick:

The truckers' secret handshake.
by seltuim

10.09.09:

Guitar Hiro
by Tessica

Editor's pick:

I... wanna hide and seek all night.... and potty e-ver-y day.
by Versus