The 6 Most Inappropriate Porn-Character Occupations
Every Saturday we have our favorite writers fill in for us. Once again, we have Mike Sacks, who has written for Esquire, GQ, The New Yorker, Time, Vanity Fair and other magazines. He works at Vanity Fair and used to write Radar Magazine's top 100 lists. Today, he shows us why we should be glad that porn characters generally stick to cable installer and pizza delivery boy.
Environmental inspector for the local government, specializing in sewage runoff in areas with highly dissolved oxygen rates.
Sample Dialogue:
WOMAN
May I sit on your lap as you show me what you do?
MAN
Yes. Yes you may.
WOMAN
What is this gauge for?
MAN
This gauge is for testing the fecal matter in underground storage facilities that have a tendency to pool beyond the acceptable runoff rate of 23 PCMs per cubic yard of arable soil.
WOMAN
And this stick?
MAN
This stick? Or this stick?
WOMAN
The shorter stick.
MAN
This stick I use to insert into holes.
WOMAN
Deep holes?
MAN
Sometimes. And other times not so deep. It really depends on how much fecal matter is evident in the runoff drains according to county regulation #354-a. But sometimes other runoff is also evident. Like raw sewage caused by the dead animals that clog storm drains.
WOMAN
Would you like to eat a slice of my freshly baked pie?
MAN
Yes, ma'am.
Lovemaking ensues
A urologist
Sample Dialogue:
MAN
Ooooh. You are squeezing hard. I like that. What kind of doctor did you say you were?
WOMAN
I am a urologist.
MAN
Is that all you do?
WOMAN
Yes, but I also have a sub-specialty.
MAN
Oh yeah? I think I'm going to like that too.
WOMAN
My sub-specialty involves diseases of the bladder and urethra track, such as renal parenchymal disease.
MAN
I see.
WOMAN
In addition, I treat sexually transmitted diseases and the ramifications they might cause on the neuromuscular system if they are not dealt with immediately. Like herpes, chlamydia, and penis warts.
MAN
That sounds sexy. Could you treat me immediately?
WOMAN
I can try.
Lovemaking ensues
Illegal alien specializing in jobs that no one else wants, such as assisting farm vets in shaving down horses
Sample Dialogue:
WOMAN
Do you work without your shirt?
MAN
Sometimes. And sometimes not. Yesterday I worked without my shirt when I helped trim the hair around a horse's testicles in order to tattoo an I.D. number for security purposes.
WOMAN
Like this here horse? All high and mighty and strong? This horse that I ride like a bucking bronco?
MAN
Yes, little lady.
WOMAN
What else do you do?
MAN
Lift large objects onto the backs of other illegal aliens. Clean spittoon buckets. Hose down blood. Sometimes vomit. Sometimes the innards of butchered animals. Masturbate pigs. Other things, too.
WOMAN
I bet you have a large penis.
MAN
Yes, my penis is large.
WOMAN
Large penises are nice.
MAN
Thank you.
WOMAN
And that's a plus. Because I bet your job requires a very large penis.
MAN
Not really, no.
WOMAN
Will you help me down from this horse?
MAN
Yes, m'lady. Please step upon this spittoon bucket.
Lovemaking ensues
A non-licensed installer of hot-tubs and other household appliances
Sample Dialogue:
MAN
Hello. I have a report that your hot tub is broken.
WOMAN
Where have you been? I've been waiting and waiting for you to arrive to fix my hot tub. I am cold and need to be warmed up. Nothing else will suffice but my hot-tub!
MAN
Then let's have a look at it. Uh huh.
WOMAN
Do you know how to fix it?
MAN
I do not.
WOMAN
Then why are you here?
MAN
To fix this.
WOMAN
Ahhhh.
MAN
And this.
WOMAN
Oooh.
MAN
And that.
WOMAN
But seriously, you can't fix my hot tub?
MAN
No, ma'am. I have no proper hot-tub license. I merely have a tremendously hairless scrotum and a bleached anus and an eagerness to rip off lonely housewives. I'll do anything to cheat them out of money, even if it means making love to them and wrongly installing their hot-tubs.
WOMAN
I see.
Lovemaking ensues
Elderly black bathroom attendant at a fancy strip club
Sample Dialogue:
WOMAN
I've never noticed you before? Have you worked here long?
MAN
Twelve years.
WOMAN
What do you do all day?
MAN
Smell shit and piss. Pump this here soap dispenser.
WOMAN
May I help you pump that?
MAN
Yes.
WOMAN
Does it always smell this bad?
MAN
My pump?
WOMAN
This bathroom.
MAN
Sometimes more. Sometimes less. Depends on what's being served at the buffet. Seafood's bad. Chinese is also bad.
WOMAN
I understand.
Lovemaking ensues
Charles Manson
Sample Dialogue:
CHARLES
In the House of the Devil, she who rides on bareback must lick the wind!
WOMAN
Do you come around often?
CHARLES
The devil comes and spits in your face!
WOMAN
Would you spit in my face?
CHARLES
She who believes in hell, must believe in me!
WOMAN
Do you believe that I'm sexy?
CHARLES
I believe that the Lord knows that I'm his slave!
WOMAN
Would you allow me to be your slave?
CHARLES
I allow you to touch the crest of the wave which I ride!
WOMAN
May I ride you?
CHARLES
Yes.
Lovemaking ensues
Check out more from Mike at mikesacks.com
