10 People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You On Facebook
If you're on the internet, which you are, by the way, you've probably got a profile on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, LiveJournal, Craigslist or all of the above, enjoying the company of hundreds of friends who you know will never ask to borrow your car.
Unfortunately, people from your past are looking for you. People you had hoped would stay forgotten. And your internet listing has made it very easy for them to find you.
They are...
The Traveller
What They'll Say:
Hi there! Long time no see! Just over here in Liverpool and killing time before the Premier League match - downing a few pints, you know? - and spotted you on the internet. I might have found you earlier, but there's no internet in South America (at least, not worth using ;) and the net cafes were too expensive in Japan.
I'm moving around a fair bit at the moment, so here's a link to my travel blog so you can keep track of where I am. Be sure to take a look at the pics I took while trekking in Nepal. It's an amazing place. Have you been? How's it going? Drop us a line.
What They'll Really Mean:
Look at how many countries I've been to. I'm better than you.
The Mother
What They'll Say:
Hey thar sweetie! Howz it going? Who'd you end up marrying? (pix pls :P) I know you and Rach didn't make it but we can't all marry our childhood sweethearts. I'd luv to here from u! Who's the kid you ask? This is Emily (Em). She's only 14 months old and turning into a bit of a princess. Go to my profile and you can see my other bubbies.
Tony's four now. Little guy wants to be a painter, like his dad. The other girl is Lisa. Popped out two weeks ago. A lil premature but she's healthy and that's all that matters. I love them all to death. Adorable, aren't they? How are you?
What They'll Really Mean:
Utilizing the natural ability to breed is my achievement. I'm better than you.
The Ex
What They'll Say:
Wow... how weird is this internet thing? I was just checking out the friends of all my old school friends and found you. Do you remember me? If not â hi there! Hope you're having a wonderful life with lots of fun and money. I ended up moving out of town. I finished college and am now doing well for myself (better than I thought, actually). That's my partner in my picture. We're about to go to Nepal (don't worry, I'll be posting pictures). What are you up to these days? It would be great to hear from you.
What They'll Really Mean:
You rejected me but I recovered and became someone. I'm better than you.
Never Moved on from High School
What They'll Say:
Hi all!
This is just an update for everybody about the reunion. I'm still waiting for a few people to get back to me about when the best time is, but it's looking like it'll be held between Jan and June.
I've found a few more people from class and added them to the list. If this is the first time you've received one of these emails, some of us who are still in the old neighbourhood will be hiring out the gymnasium at the high school for a get together.
Please let me know when you can make it back to town.
Thanks!
Jools
Reunion committee president
What They'll Really Mean:
Remember how I was popular in high school? I'm better than you.
Thinks They Moved on from High School
What They'll Say:
Is this who I think it is? I hope so or I might look a bit crazy. I can assure you I'm not though. You might remember me. I wasn't really 'known' at high school. I kept to myself. Surely you remember when I played â or tried to play â the Guns N Roses medley on the piano for the talent quest? Yeah that was me.
I didn't miss that place when I went to college. Met a nice girl really quickly and I'm still with her. These days I'm managing a small but loyal team for a software company. I'm not bitter about high school though. Some good memories. How are you anyway?
What They'll Really Mean:
I was rejected at high school but I've found a place where I'm accepted. I'm better than you.
The Bearer of Bad News
What They'll Say:
Dear all.
It's with deep regret that I must inform you that our friend from high school, Gordon Porgle, was involved in a car accident.
You may remember Gordon as the quiet person who would spend his time in the library rather than waste his time with us outside. One of my favorite memories of Gordon was that time at the school talent quest when he played GnR on the classical piano. It was hilarious.
He is in intensive care, but is expected to make a full recovery. I will be sending a card soon. If you would like your name to be included, please let me know.
What They'll Really Mean:
I've atoned for being an asshole at high school by caring about the uncool kid. I'm better than you.
Your Best Friend...Once
What They'll Say:
Hey hey! Look who it is!!! What are you doing these days? Still crazy? I'm not going out like I used to, but I guess that's just part of getting older and putting on the old ball-and-chain (but I call her my fiance). Once married, we're going to put most of our money into a crepe business down at the local mall. It should make enough money to get by and give Naomi some work to do from home when we have kids. It's sad that we'll soon be settled down, isn't it? haha!
How you doing?
What They'll Really Mean:
I'm trying to put my youth into perspective before I settle down and I think you can give me closure. I'm better than you.
The Condescending Asshole
What They'll Say:
Hey champ!
Long time no see! What are you up to? Have you moved on from that job you hate yet? Man I would hate working in that sort of business, but I'm sure something will come up soon.
The business that Tony and I started is going well. If you ever want to get into investments and start to play with the big boys give me a bell. I know several stocks that are a sure bet for low capital investors. In the meantime, if anybody you know needs investment advice, send them through to my website, won't you?
What They'll Really Mean:
I want you to tell people about my business so I can make more money. I'm better than you.
The Nutjob
What They'll Say:
Good friend from a yesteryear passing.
I was, simply running my tired eyes over the complexities of human existence in the electronic age â fashion, dot-coms, recipe indexes â when I stumble across the musings of a brother from the past. It is with great pleasure that I share the love of God with you and offer you my shankra. The sublime Lord has allowed love of humans to spread as energy, which is why He/She (?) allowed the Network of Hope to be created. I am floating an egg for you and hope you will share with me your comings and goings; toings and frowings; wins and deaths, so we shall once again share.
What They'll Really Mean:
How are you? I'd really like to hear from you because you're a great person.
Who is this Guy?
What They'll Say:
Dear old friend!
How great it is to find you here! The old train carriage; the basketball game with no basketball; the runaway cheesecake â it's all coming back to me now! If only we could live these days again. Haha!
Are you on WOW? Come and join my guild (level 50s or over). If not, get in touch and let me know when you're back in town! How have you been?
What They'll Really Mean:
I'm better than you.
Head to the forum photo shop contest and show us how companies will make money after the economic meltdown. If you win we'll pay you $50, which, if you live in the US, will probably be useless by the weekend. In that case, you might want to find out how sharing this or any of our articles on Facebook can win you an iPod Touch.
