The 8 Most Cringe-Worthy Comic Book Movie Moments
To answer your question: Yes, that pretty much puts them in the running for the most ridiculous moments in the history of non-pornographic cinema.
He's the Juggernaut, bitch
As Seen In:
X-Men: The Last Stand
Why It Sucks:
The awesomeness of a comic book movie tends to be directly proportional to how seriously the director takes the source material. So, it was a little troubling when the X-Men franchise handed the reins to Brett Ratner, a director who built his career on films like Money Talks and the Rush Hour franchise, in which black people talk differently than white people, and that fact is deemed hilarious.
Pretty much every fan's fears were confirmed by one piece of cinematic chimp fuckery that earned Ratner a place in the comic world's Hall of Douchebags. Before the film went into production, a meme called "The Juggernaut Bitch" was sweeping the Web, in which an X-Men cartoon is overdubbed so that the characters talk like pimps and other insulting black stereotypes, while teenagers giggle audibly in the background.
Ratner was apparently inspired by the video's zero-effort popularity, and decided to insert the line into the fucking film as a nod and wink to its fans. So, we get the once momentously badass Juggernaut breaking the fouth wall to deliver this line that makes no goddamned sense in the context of the scene. But, why worry about things like that, right, Brett? After all, it's just a comic book movie, right?
As appreciative as the hip kids in the Family Guy demographic were that Ratner decided to throw them a bone, it probably wasn't worth ruining what should have been the best of the X-Men trilogy.
"Worst Ever" Meter:
The Turtles and Vanilla Ice enjoy a rap battle
As Seen In:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
Why It Sucks:
There had to have been a moment during production on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II where two people on the set turned to each other and said, "You know, even for a sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, this movie is going to be really fucking bad."
We're going out on a limb here, but maybe that moment occurred during the shooting of the scene in which the Turtles use breakdance moves to fight bad guys while Vanilla Ice gives a rap play-by-play in the background.
While the Turtles' strange mixture of hip-hop, karate and traditional Russian folk dancing is pretty absurd, Ice steals the show. At first he seems surprised when he sees giant ninja turtles and anthropomorphic animals fighting at his concert, but pretty soon he's rapping a verse that includes the line, "Gonna rock and roll the place/ With the power of the ninja turtle face (possibly faith. Also, does it really matter?)" Arguably the scene's finest moment comes 4:05 in, when Vanilla expresses his gratitude to the Turtles by directing four violent crotch thrusts in their direction, the Vanilla Ice equivalent of a 12 gun salute and widely regarded as the highest honor for a warrior during the early '90s.
That said, with You Got Served, Stomp the Yard, and Step Up coming out in recent years, this sequence may be timelier now more than ever. The most recent development in the dance world, we believe, is "crunking." It basically involves thrusting your crotch wildly in the air while hopping around and gyrating your arms like a seizure patient. With such a sophisticated progression in dance, it's a wonder the Ninja Turtle's "breakdance-fu" didn't catch on. Maybe, it was the cumbersome prosthetic costumes and kicking of ninjas in the face that turned the kids off. Apparently kids today aren't willing to pay the price to look fucking awesome.
"Worst Ever" Meter:
Johnny Blaze can't handle the heat
As Seen In:
Ghost Rider
Why It Sucks:
Just when you thought the "HOW'D IT GET BURNED?" scene from The Wicker Man remake would teach Nicolas Cage the dangers of overacting, he kicks it up a notch by actually starring as the burning object--screaming enough to make Al Pacino embarrassed for him. This being Nicholas Cage, however, it looks less like he's burning and more like he's horribly constipated and for some reason really, really enjoying it.
Following the transformation (which, in a masterful piece of editing, awkwardly cuts from his screaming and melting-off face to a Colgate-white skull on fire), Ghost Rider immediately comes into contact with the horrifying face of evil ... the quiet, haunted kid who thought shopping bags were pretty in American Beauty.
Things only get more fatuous from there as Ghost Rider spouts off ditties like, "Back to hell!" and "You're going down!" The emo-douche (we mean Blackheart) retaliates with, "I don't think so." It's truly a battle of wits.
"Worst Ever" Meter:
Mr. Fantastic gets jiggy with it
As Seen In:
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Why It Sucks:
Just barely beating out the Fantasticar, which was one big Dodge product placement (complete with the Human Torch asking if it had a Hemi), Reed Richards has a glorious sequence where he ventures onto the dance floor and shows off his moves. Naturally, his moves involve stretching.
Not as naturally, his suit is somehow able to stretch out, too. We're not quite sure when Mr. Fantastic made it a priority to invent designer wear that could stretch out like silly putty, but we're guessing it was somewhere around the time he figured stretching his arms into grotesque noodles would be a good way to pick up chicks.
In comic movies, the scene where the superhero uses his powers to do everyday tasks is one of the most difficult to screw up. All you have to do is match the particular hero with the everyday task that their power would make awesomely easy. Wolverine uses Iceman's breath to chill a drink before opening it. Spider-Man uses his Spidey sense to avoid a bully attack. And, Mr. Fantastic uses his stretching ability to ... dance better? Really? If you found yourself with extraordinary stretching abilities, how far down on your list would going to a dance club be? If anything, his powers make him more gangly, so this is the exact wrong thing to have him do. They couldn't put him in a charity pickup basketball game, or something?
Of course, before the women at the club have realized the implications of all that stretching, Richards' bride-to-be, as played by Jessica Alba, pops in and ruins his chances. Some might wonder why he'd even need to cheat on someone as hot as Alba. Those people should talk to the makeup department that made her look like a fat-lipped plastic albino.
"Worst Ever" Meter:
The Punisher has too much time on his hands
As Seen In:
The Punisher
Why It Sucks:
Put yourself in Frank Castle's shoes for a second. Your family was violently murdered, you've become an alcoholic, and you spend every waking moment plotting revenge against the bastards who caused you such tremendous pain. What are you gonna do?
The answer is simple: collect a shitload of C-4 explosives, spend about 10 hours aligning them to the bottom of 100 cars so they form a skull shape, and then detonate them right as you finish avenging your loved ones.
See his overly intricate plan unfold 7:40 into this video.
Sure, all those people you just killed won't be able to see it, but who cares? You just created a giant skull! Made of fire! Picture all the people in planes flying overhead thinking, "Whoever created that giant fire skull is a total badass!"
Well, that or, "Wow, whoever wasted their time on that must be in dire need of a hug." Either way, you still get the satisfaction of watching some massive explosions. Michael Bay would be proud.
"Worst Ever" Meter:
Spider-Man is a jazz-loving lesbian
As Seen In:
Spider-Man 3
Why It Sucks:
Taken over by an evil symbiote, Peter Parker finds himself doing dastardly deeds we never thought possible, including acting emo, asking for cookies (with nuts in them), and worst of all, playing jazz piano while for some reason looking almost exactly like the lesbian musician K.D. Lang.
The clincher for this sequence has got to be the close-up of Spidey's mouth as he softly whispers, "Now dig on this," followed by snapping his fingers to the beat. It's almost as if Sam Raimi suddenly had a change of heart halfway through shooting the film and decided he'd rather be working on a Bob Fosse Broadway musical. Fortunately, reality kicks back in at the end of the scene when Parker punches Mary Jane in the face, which is something we all can agree she totally deserved for not "digging on" Peter's bitchin' dance routine.
Of course, wonderful moments like M.J. being put in her place don't last long in Spider-Man 3, as proven by Peter's John Travolta impersonation ...
Honestly, how in the hell did that get past the editing stage?
"Worst Ever" Meter:
Superman reverses time, erases memories and throws magical plastic.
As Seen In:
The Superman movies
Why It Sucks:
Ignoring the inanity of the third and fourth films (which don't even deserve to be considered true sequels), the Superman series has delivered some pretty spectacular cinema. It has also delivered an equal number of moments where you just can't help but wonder, "What the fuck were they thinking?"
At the end of the first film, Superman saves Lois' life by traveling around Earth faster than the speed of light and reversing its orbit.
Disregarding how moronic that idea is, wouldn't the effect on the Earth's orbit be so great that it would devastate life as we know it? Is Superman really that big of an asshole that he'd risk the lives of the entire planet just to potentially save one person? And, how does he even know how to do that? Was he just crossing his fingers in hopes that if he flew around the Earth enough times, Lois would come back to life? Whatever the answer, at least it's not as ridiculous as what happens in the sequel.
First, lets examine Superman's powers: flight, super strength, invulnerability, super speed, vision powers, super hearing, and super breath. Nowhere on that list do you see "memory erasing kiss," which is good, because that would be retarded. But screenwriters decided to make up just such a power, in addition to scenes where Superman grabs onto his chest and throws out a giant plastic "S" and rebuilds the Great Wall of China just by looking at it. But, the worst has to be Superman using a kiss to prevent Lois from remembering their sexual affair. So, apparently we need to add roofie saliva to that list of powers, too.
"Worst Ever" Meter:
Joel Schumacher ruins Batman
As Seen In:
Batman & Robin
Why It Sucks:
Attempting to pick out just one bad scene from Batman & Robin is impossible, and it certainly wouldn't do justice to just how painfully awful the rest of it is. The film is so dreadful that director Joel Schumacher actually apologized for it on the DVD commentary. That's right, the man who proudly made 8MM, The Number 23 and Cousins thought Batman & Robin was so bad that it warranted an apology.
As a perfect example of just how consistently awful the movie is, take the following 20 lines from Mr. Freeze, each so mind numbingly bad that they would be the worst moment in any of the movies we've covered so far.
"Ice to see you!"
"You're not sending me to the cooler!"
"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."
"Tonight, hell freezes over!"
"What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!"
"In this universe, there's only one absolute ... everything freezes!"
"Cool party!"
"If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!"
"Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom."
"Let's kick some ice!"
"Caution. Bridge may ice over."
"Always winterize your pipes."
"Not so fast. Time you cooled your heels."
"Alright, everyone, chill!"
"Cops on the rocks, anyone?"
"Bat on ice, anyone?"
"We aim to ... Freeze."
"I wonder how cold I can get my shower ... Frosty!"
"You're skating on thin ice. My passion thaws for my bride alone."
"Tonight's forecast ... a freeze is coming!"
"Nothing frustrates a man like a frigid wife."
With all these ice-based puns to use up, it's a wonder they didn't somehow incorporate a "Batman on Ice" show. Oh wait, they did.
It's like a virus of awfulness, in which one ridiculous element leads to the next. The ice leads to the X Games charm of Bat-Skates, which leads to Bat-Skyboards, perfect for all your falling-through- the-stratosphere needs. The movie is the primary example of what can happen to even the most respectable comic book series when you start injecting it with sequences that could be described as "slapstick," "campy" and "directed by Joel Schumacher."
"Worst Ever" Meter:
If you like this article, check out Adam's article about the The 10 Most Asinine Movie Twist Endings.
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