7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
You've walked innocently past issues of Cosmopolitan magazine a thousand times, every time you've checked out at a grocery store. If you glanced at the covers then you know it's all about sex, and helping girls bring out the sexual animal in their man.
Not that kind.
But littered amongst their mildly kinky and often impractical advice ("wear a wet t-shirt to bed!") you get horrifying tips that border on genital mutilation.
Think we're kidding? As we speak, Cosmo is advising women to...
Bite the Family Jewels
From:
Here's something mankind has known about intercourse since the very, very first sexual act was performed: If in describing the act, the words "bite" and "scrotum" appear in the same sentence, something went catastrophically wrong. So wrong that your behavior should have earned you an unceremonious exit from the gene pool.
To put this in context, when kangaroos fight each other, they use the claws on their hind legs to tear at their opponent's scrotum. Even when trying to kill each other by way of scrotal trauma, wild animals refuse to go so far as biting.
And by the way, when dealing with teeth and that area of the body, the modifier "softly" doesn't do anything to make this better. That's like saying to "gently" jam a lit cigarette into his eye.
Shake His Nuts
From:
Cosmopolitan Vol. 237, Issue 1, page 106.
We always knew there was something sexy about Yahtzee! and now it's all so clear: It remind us of the time our girlfriend rattled our testicles around like a set of dice she was trying to shake a lucky roll out of.
Now, someone in the comments will point out that it's not necessarily Cosmo giving this advice. "Curtis, 33" wrote in with it. Don't shoot the messenger!
Bullshit. We very well can shoot the messenger if the message he's carrying will result in someone rapidly slamming our balls against each other. That's self-defense right there.
No, this is one of those occasions when an editor needs to think, "Sure, no other guy has said this yet, so it's unique and would therefore be interesting to our readers. But on the other hand, no other guy has said this, so maybe the guy who wrote this is totally fucking insane, or possibly a jilted woman looking to get back at the opposite sex."
For instance, we don't think a men's magazine would print a letter from a "woman" saying, "You know what really turns us ladies on? When you jab us in the ribs with a sharp stick." The editor would immediately guess that behind the letter was a balding man in his basement, with a wall covered in photos of his mother with WHORE scrawled over them in blood.
Yank His Crotch Hair
From:
Well, at least this one doesn't involve outright genital trauma. This little nugget recommends you pull on some dude's treasure trail hairs. You know, to turn him on.
Hey, ladies, have you ever heard a guy use the expression, "He's got me by the short hairs"? Was the guy using it in a positive way?
No, because it is meant to convey the image of somebody grabbing your pubic hair and causing so much pain that they can make you do anything. Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says, "Thanks, Grandma! This Xbox 360 will really get me by the short hairs!"
All right, so now what you need to understand about that strip of fur Cosmo is referencing is that it's basically pubes. It's like a pubic escape route from your pants. No one's going to publish "yank on his pubes" in a sex advice column because no one outside of a few fetish scenes would want to do it, because it's horrible.
What's especially diabolical about this advice is that it sounds fine leading up to it. We're all for licking and tickling. It's like they intentionally buried the painful tip under the good ones, like a landmine.
Give Him a Sneezegasm
From:
This seems to derive from the retarded sex myth that, physiologically, a sneeze is somehow "1/7th of an orgasm," which you may have heard in high school or from the brain trust at Yahoo! Answers. You may be tempted to ask how in the shit you would quantify 1/7th of an orgasm, but Yahoo! isn't giving up the goods on that one.
That aside, have you ever enjoyed sneezing? Have you ever looked forward to getting a cold for the pant staining pleasure of it? Sure, there are a few sneeze fetishists out there, but that's probably a relatively small proportion of the population and odds are even they think this tip is stupid.
You may think this one is tame compared to the others, but you're not fully picturing the scenario. One wrong move and you either have an eye or a sphincter full of pepper, both of which are going to create that non-sexy crying and panicked flushing of the area with water.
Milk His Cow
From:
Cosmo's print edition, Vol. 238, issue 1, page 84.
OK, "Steven" isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's clearly fucking with Cosmo here. This is one of the single most awful pieces of advice anyone has ever penned in any language, and could be chalked up to a terrible joke if it hadn't actually been published.
Kinda like these... ah, never mind
Just in case it's not clear, let us respond individually to "his" three points:
1. "It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care."
No, it doesn't. There is no part of our body we want you to be intentionally negligent with. Even if it's our shins we're talking about here, handle them with care. And when it comes to our genitals, multiply that by one thousand.
2. "Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive."
Ladies, go watch an old episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. See how the guy doubles over and nearly vomits when hit with a light, plastic wiffleball? Yes, our units are fucking that sensitive.
3. "We need you to get a little rough with them--squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow. You may think you're hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he'd request more, more."
That last bit is your best clue. "I guarantee if you asked..." No need to ask before you abuse his junk, ladies! Just assume he'll answer in the affirmative. His screaming means it's working!
Go Joystick On His Boner
From:
Cosmo's print edition, Vol. 237, Issue 3, page 144
We had to throw this one in because it's hilarious, shows utter unfamiliarity with how the male unit works and yet is still somehow the best advice on this list.
After she's attempted to bite your nutsack, yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table, it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises with her mouth.
"Yes, honey, that's great. Play Space Invaders with my wang. I just have to catch my breath here. Yes, sure, use it like a gear shift and make race car noises. That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body."
Put Him in the Fucking Hospital
From:
For those of you who never had older brothers, this technique, when applied to the forearm, is called an Indian Rugburn. We're not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Rugburn or a Southeast Asian Rugburn, but that's irrelevant because when done to your manhood it would need a new term completely. Something like, "A crime a million times worse than genocide."
Pictured: a technique that wasn't even used on penises in Abu Ghraib.
We're not even joking at this point. Seriously, don't do this. We're frowning over our keyboard. This has been banned by the Geneva Convention as an inhumane torture technique. They will build grim monuments to the men who have had this done to them.
Let us never forget what Cosmo did to those fine men on that terrible day.
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Don't take that steel jock of your genitals before you check out 6 Horrifying Ways to Improve Your Sex Life and 9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences).
And stop by our Top Picks to see Cracked.com's sex advice (read: links with boobies in them).
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