The 2007 Lineup: 35 Soon-To-Be-Cancelled Shows
All the major networks (and The CW) unveiled their new fall schedules last week at events known to industry types as the "upfronts." Generally these events are ways for people in the industry to annually hook up and go on day-long benders, but a few insiders will tell you that they also have to do with... advertising rates? Something stupid like that.
Nearly every year, in between all the drinking and fucking, executives usually find a few minutes to talk about the new shows coming to their networks this fall before they're canceled mid-season and replaced by another hour of Deal or No Deal. Here's the shitstorm the networks trotted out this year.
NBC
The Bionic Woman
In
a move that is shockingly not a joke, the struggling peacock network has
decided to bring back this 1970s show about a half-mechanical woman and
her shockingly realistic android feathered hair. It's probably a safe
bet to say it's been updated to be dark and sinister like the new Battlestar
Galactica, but personally I would prefer to see a simple technology
update, so that instead of space-age moon-boot gadgetry, she's entirely
composed of telecommunications devices, so that we can finally see that
old "hold on, I'm getting a fax" joke in a realistic context.
Journeyman
A
newspaper reporter suddenly starts traveling through time and helping
people. So basically it's Quantum Leap, but instead of helping
set things right in the past, the main character just takes notes on things
and keeps screaming, "What a scoop!"
Chuck
A
guy who works at a big-box electronics store opens an e-mail that downloads
a whole database of government secrets into his brain. Seriously, that's
the premise of the show. Stay tuned for the second season, when he gets
a disk full of U.N. Ambassadors' home phone numbers stuck in his rectum!
Life
A
cop who was falsely imprisoned for years returns to the force with a whole
different outlook. A true renegade, he rides around a motorcycle with
his Native American sidekick and changes his name to Lorenzo Lamas.
The IT Crowd
It's
hilarious hijinks for three IT guys in an office somewhere in America.
Finally, audiences can get an extra half hour at home listening to guys
sneering at people because they have to do their job and talking about
how "actually, Gerard Christopher didn't play Superboy in the first season."
Lipstick Jungle
From
the author of the book that inspired Sex and the City comes a
show that isn't like Sex and the City at all because this one
only has three upper-class female main characters and Brooke Shields instead
of Sarah Jessica Parker. Completely different.
The Singing Bee
A
game show in which contestants will have to accurately sing the lyrics
of popular songs. So unfortunately this isn't going to start a trend of
shows about anthropomorphic animals doing human jobs like I had hoped.
So no pipe-fitting bears. At least not yet.
World Moves
Famous
American Idol black guy Randy Jackson hosts a dance competition
show. Maybe he'll call somebody "dawg!" Wouldn't that be something?
Heroes: Origins
See
all the hospitals where your favorite Heroes characters were
born! You'll never guess where Hiro's mom gave birth to him! Here's a
hint: It's in Japan!
ABC
Cavemen
So
wait, you want to make a half-hour show with a season of at least 13 episodes
out of those cavemen from the Geico commercials? How can that go wrong?!?
And just in case anyone was wondering, I'm going to reveal the premise
behind every joke you'll ever see on the show: "See? It's because they're
cavemen."
Sam I Am
In
the touching television adaptation of the Sean Penn movie of the same
name, a retarded guy does things that are really discomforting and make
you feel bad. No, I'm just kidding, it's actually a show starring the
daughter from Married...With Children that no one's going to
watch.
Carpoolers
Four
guys at different stages in their life ride together to work. Imagine
the intense drama of Kevin wondering what kind of donut Jeff is eating.
Or if Tim, the driver, is jealous of Hank, who's catching a couple Z's
in the back seat. Shit, why did Hank drink all that coffee? Will they
ever get out of this traffic jam?!?! Tuesday nights on ABC!
Pushing Daisies
A
detective discovers that he can touch people and bring them back from
the dead. Which throws his recent necrophilia kick straight to hell, let
me tell you.
Private Practice
Some
woman who was on Grey's Anatomy stars in a spinoff of Grey's
Anatomy - because nothing makes for better TV than people who are
supposed to be spending their day saving lives instead gossiping and giggling
like middle schoolers. And now it's taking place in a different city!
Dirty Sexy Money
In
the most avant garde new show of the season, ABC devotes an entire hour
of airtime a week to nothing but artfully composed shots of 100-dollar
bills that have been dropped in a mud puddle and have stick-figure naked
women drawn on them. Critics are expected to love it.
Big Shots
Four
dudes are all, like, really rich and head companies or something. Look,
it's a show about douche bags, so watch it if you're into that sort of
thing.
Women's Murder Club
Otherwise
known as "marriage." Am I right, fellas? Huh?
CBS
Viva Laughlin
A
"mystery drama with music" produced by professional angry magician and
Wolverine Hugh Jackman about a guy who wants to open a casino but doesn't
have any money. It's like someone threw up a premise for a television
show.
The Big Bang Theory
In
the pilot episode, cosmic gases come closer and closer together...as if
they are forming something. What could they be doing? Stay tuned for 21
more episodes to find out!
Cane
A
large Cuban-American family runs a sugar and rum business in Florida,
but it quickly becomes a drug business. In a shocking mid-season power
struggle, star Jimmy Smits tries to wrest power from his father by growing
a bigger mustache than him, but in a shocking twist, the matriarch of
her family seizes control when she reveals the size of her mustache, which
fills an entire Olympic-sized swimming pool.
Kid Nation
In
this reality show, a group of 40 prepubescent kids take up residence in
a ghost town with no adults. Things take a sour turn when Piggy, the glasses-wearing
fat kid, is crushed by a falling piano. Soon after, everyone starves because
no one has a job.
Moonlight
A
private investigator...who is also a vampire! If this show succeeds, stay
tuned for several similar shows next year, like Werewolf Chef,
Frankenstein Nanny and Zombie Magistrate Court Judge.
Swingtown
A
mid-season replacement about 1970s era wife-swapping. So it's the premise
of any number of porn films without the nudity or graphic sex? Consider
me sold!
FOX
K-Ville
A
cop show set in New Orleans (the "K" stands for "Katrina"). Hard-nosed
police officer Scads Kneecap and his partner Charles "Wrinkles" Relish
take the city back after years of it being run by rogue weather phenomena.
In the pilot, they take down a ring of tornadoes that have been beating
up hookers while digging deeper into a low pressure system that's been
spreading drugs all over town.
New Amsterdam
A
New York City homicide detective is actually a guy who was granted immortality
360 years ago. So, it's Highlander without the swords or the
Reckoning or Sean Connery or basically anything cool. Great.
Back To You
Kelsey
Grammer and the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond are a broadcast
news team in Pittsburgh...blah blah blah, I'm falling asleep just typing
this.
Kitchen Nightmares
So
you're at the breakfast nook, right? And all of the sudden, the red-hot
George Foreman grill is flying right at your face! And, what's this? The
refrigerator has turned into the ex-girlfriend who dumped you to marry
your douche of a brother! Ahhhhh! And then you wake up, and you're all
like, "That was fucked up."
The Search for the Next Great American Band
Sorry,
TV show, I've already found the next great American band. They're called
"Maneaters: A Tribute to Hall and Oates," and they will change the face
of rock forever.
Nashville
This
is a reality show about attention-hungry people trying to make it in the
country music industry by whoring themselves American Idol-style,
but here they're wearing cowboy boots.
The Sarah Connor Chronicles
After
destroying the liquid metal Terminator from Terminator 2, Sarah
and John Connor move on with their lives, only to find out that the T-800
model has become governor of California. When the T-800 cannot get Democratic
state legislators to agree on a state budget plan, a deadlock threatens
to shut down important state services and programs! Can Sarah and John
kill the legislators to stop the deadlock and save the future?
The Return of Jezebel James
Two
estranged sisters move in together when one agrees to carry another's
baby. How much do you want to bet they're totally different from one another?
And that they'll get into wild disagreements? Man, I can't wait for this
breath of fresh air on the airwaves!
The CW
Life is Wild
A
New York City family moves to the wilds of Africa. Luckily, there's a
Starbucks there, so they can get coffee and all the free wireless Internet
they want.
Aliens in America
A
regular American 16-year-old's life is turned completely upside-down when
an exchange student from Pakistan moves to town! From
the producers of Carl the Lovable Xenophobe and Saturday
Night Lynch Mob.
Reaper
A
guy in his early twenties discovers his parents sold their souls to the
devil years ago and now has to go around the world doing Satan's dirty
work. Suburban goth kids everywhere will proclaim that the protagonist
is just like them before they have to put on their Polo
shirts so they can get in their shift at Borders.
Gossip Girl
A
very rich, very spoiled girl not unlike a certain heiress famous for flashing
her snatch to the world and not much else, discovers that money can't
buy everything. Clearly, the show is fiction, because the real world,
money clearly can do anything you want, like reduce your jail sentence
by half and remove you from the general prison population.
Thanks, justice system!
Matt needs to sleep for about two weeks after spending much longer than he intended on this piece. In the meantime, read his blog, the not-very-cleverly titled MW Blog .
