The 10 Creepiest TV Roommates
Zany living situations are a staple of TV comedies, with wacky live-in friends, family members and super-sexy animals having thrilled pre-recorded laugh tracks for years. Of course, you're (probably) not a pre-recorded laugh track, meaning things might get a little weird if you had to actually move in with any of the following 10 characters. And by "weird," we mean that you'd (probably) get molested.
LYNN BELVEDERE (Mr. Belvedere)
An elderly chap who immigrated to America specifically to make bitchy comments to elementary and high school students, Lynn Belvedere gets dressed up in a coat and tie to wash eight-year-old Wesley's underwear, and ends each day with a detailed diary entry about the children.
If You Moved In
"Hey, what are you doing in your room with the door locked. Mr. Belvedere?"
"Oh, nothing, just writing a lengthy journal entry about you youngsters."
"It sounds like you're weeping in there, Mr. Belvedere."
"Oh, Wesley… Wesley, Wesley, Wesley…"
LARRY APPLETON (Perfect Strangers)
Live-in cousins Balki and Larry are socially awkward Chicago residents who struggle to interact with the opposite sex. Balki, at least, has a decent excuse: he's a recent immigrant from the fictional island nation of Mypos (i.e. Greece). Larry, on the other hand, was born and raised right there in Chicago, so your guess is as good as ours on that one.
If You Moved In
"Larry, I think it's hilarious how you and Balki are both interpersonal cripples who have no idea how to relate to people here in the States. Things must be pretty different over in Mypos."
"Um, I grew up five minutes from here."
"Say, how 'bout those Cubs?"
JOEY GLADSTONE (Full House)
A grown man who has wagered his entire stand-up comedy career on his ability to accurately mimic the voice of a cartoon character that was on TV from 1959-1964, Gladstone is virtually unemployed and shows an inappropriate amount of interest in under-18 girls. All of Joey's roommates dread the strictly enforced twice-daily two-hour story time on his lap.
If You Moved In
"Hey Joey, did you ever think about moving out? You know, getting your own place?"
"If I move out, who'll help the girls shower?"
"Joey, your erection is clearly visible, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop talking like Bullwinkle while we have this discussion."
"'Hey, Rocky! Wanna see me pull a…'"
"No. No, I don't want to see you pull anything out of anything else."
NORM PETERSON (Cheers)
This marginally employed alcoholic keeps his wife a captive in her own home, very rarely allowing her to see the light of day and/or partake in any human contact other than his sporadic, drunken visits. He insults her ruthlessly, making her fearful of the outside world, and she is therefore never seen outside of her dark psychological prison.
If You Moved In
"Hey, Norm, maybe you should take it easy on Vera. She's trembling and I think she's gone blind."
"Hell no, friend! If she ever finishes chewing through that chain there'll be hell to pay. Plus, she's fat and ugly and stupid, aren't you, Vera?"
MICHELANGELO (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Ignoring the fact that Michelangelo is a giant radioactive turtle who refuses to wear pants, his unorthodox pizza-only diet deprives him of many nutrients essential to physical and mental health. Which might go a long way towards explaining why he has a seven-word vocabulary and lives in a sewer.
If You Moved In
"Pizza, dude! I want some pizza! Cowabunga!"
"Listen, we've had pizza every night for the last month. Maybe we could just try a salad or something."
"Cowabunga! Pizza, dude!"
"Ow, ow, ow! Jesus! Alright, we'll get some fucking pizza! Just put the nunchucks down."
"Cowabunga, dude!"
"You don't look so good, man-say, are you sure that kid under your bed was already dead when we moved in?"
CODY LAMBERT (Step By Step)
An attractive, relatively capable man in his mid-20s, Cody has willfully chosen to take up residence in an old RV in his aunt and uncle's driveway. Despite his family's repeated pleas to come inside the house, Cody remains oddly stuck in his ways.
If You Moved In
"Hey, Cody, it's 20 below zero outside and there's a perfectly good guest bedroom in here that you could move into."
"Nah, I think I'll just stay with the RV if that's cool."
"I don't know-how about you come inside just for the night? You look cold, man."
"I SAID I NEED TO STAY IN MY RV I NEED TO STAY IN MY RV JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FUCK!"
MORK (Mork & Mindy)
There are two possible scenarios that explain why Mork is a creepy roommate. Under the first, he's an alien from outer space and the authorities should be contacted immediately. Or, alternatively, he is a middle-aged record store employee who believes that he's an alien from outer space and the authorities should be contacted immediately.
But other than the alien thing, and if you can ignore the fact that he dresses like a gay circus clown, and behaves like a less funny version of the guy who does voices from Police Academy if that guy were white, hairy and on fistfuls of cocaine, Mork's really a chill guy.
If You Moved In
"Where'd you say you were from again, Mork?"
"Why, the planet Ork, of course! Mork from Ork!"
"Well, that's funny, because I just went onto Classmates.com, and it says here that your name is Steve and you're from Missouri."
"Mork from Ork! Mork from Ork! Who on Ork are all these men in white jackets? Are they friends of yours? Let go of me, Earthlings!"
TIM TAYLOR (Home Improvement)
It's one thing to share your home with someone who's always going through your belongings-maybe he's just concerned about you. But it's another for him to go through your shit and inexplicably try to add high-horsepower motors to it whenever possible.
If You Moved In
"Um, Tim, it's just a sock drawer-it opens fine just like it is. See?"
"MORE POWER!"
"Tim, Tim, Tim-wait. Listen, it's three in the morning, and I have work tomorrow. Why don't you just try to get some sleep?"
" It needs more power, don't you see? You ALL need more power! "
THE SKIPPER (Gilligan's Island)
The only reason that Gilligan and co. were stranded on that island is because the sadistic Skipper kept them there. What kind of captain worth his salt couldn't repair a boat with a staff of six able-bodied adults and an unlimited supply of lumber? Especially considering that they couldn't have blown off course by more than a couple of miles? If he hadn't enjoyed shacking up with Gilligan and watching the other castaways wallow in stranded misery, those poor castaways could've been home by dinner.
If You Moved In
"Skipper, what do you think about trying to build a new boat today? We have all these trees and one of us is a super-intelligent professor."
"Uh, not today, son. No, today's no good. I'll just have to sleep in my little bungalow with Gilligan for another night, and watch you all cling to life for another day."
JON ARBUCKLE (Garfield and Friends)
Jon Arbuckle is a vaguely employed virgin in his 30s who spends his work week hanging around his house talking an orange housecat. Additionally, with each passing day, his desperate failures with the opposite sex make Garfield, Odie and any other roommate more and more likely to become the victim of a frustrated sexual assault.
If You Moved In
"Jon, you're talking to the cat again."
"Yes, I know. You just don't understand-I can hear his thoughts."
"I see… So can you hear the dog's thoughts, too?"
"What are you, crazy? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! A talking dog-what'll they think of next, Garfield? What's that, Garfield? Yes, you're so right, Garfield. You always are. If only I could find a woman like you. "
