MILFiest '80s Sitcom Moms
Like beating Castlevania or getting your face kicked in at recess, one of the most influential events in the life of a child of the '80s was seeing one of your friends' moms partially nude. It may have been an accident, or it may have been an "accident," but it happened to all of us sooner or later and left us yearning for more of the same strange, pant-tingling phenomenon. And so, just as with all other unfulfilled desires in life, we turned to the magic picture box for satisfaction. Luckily for us, TV didn't disappoint. (Thanks again, best friend!)
KATE TANNER (Alf)
If Kate Tanner didn't object to harboring a fugitive, cat-murdering alien in her home, why would she object to, say, fellating you for five bucks while Willie Tanner's out bowling? Other than the fact that she's borderline smoking hot, Kate Tanner's apparent lack of any moral code-as well as her surprising, motherly tolerance for physical contract with short, hairy mammals-secures her place in '80s sitcom MILF history.
NORMA ARNOLD (The Wonder Years)
Kevin Arnold's mom gave up both her education and her dreams to follow her college boyfriend across the country and become a stay-at-home mom. And what's more attractive than a woman who'll gladly sacrifice her satisfaction for yours? Of course, that would have been almost entirely negated by her soft weeping during sex.
VIVIAN BANKS (The First One, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)
Aunt Viv was a disciplinarian for two reasons. First, because who else was going to stop Carlton from exposing himself to Ashley? And second, because if she didn't strictly monitor the motion of Uncle Phil's fat-deposit ocean in the bedroom, she would've been crushed to death under his heaving, fleshy car-torso. But beneath Viv's stern exterior lurked a sultry, mature woman, and beneath her mannish face lurked a disproportionately hot body. (Editor's Note: Yes, Fresh Prince started airing in 1990, but how much did things really change in the few months since the '80s officially ended? Plus, there's this.)
MAGGIE SEAVER (Growing Pains)
Normal standards of decency (as well as the CRACKED legal team) prohibit us from revealing the exact methods Maggie Seaver used to please her husband, the insatiable sexual deviant Jason Seaver. But know this: it took a whole lot of copper wire and hundreds of gallons of maple syrup. Combine Maggie's sexual willingness with the whole tall blonde thing, and, by God, you've got yourself one hell of a woman.
JESSE KATSOPOLIS (Full House)
Despite her negative qualities-most notably her psychotic obsession with her hair and her inexplicable love of late Beach Boys music-Jesse could really fill out a pair of black jeans. In addition to Jesse's supple thighs and angelic facial features, she was sexually liberated enough to carry on a torrid same-sex relationship with the neighborhood lesbian, Becky. Perhaps Jesse's sexiest quality is the fact that she was more than just a sex symbol-she was a great mother, too. After all, she did a great job protecting those kids from live-in pedophile Joey Gladstone.
ELYSE KEATON (Family Ties)
A former hippie, Elyse Keaton always approached motherhood with tranquility, a sense of humor, and, most importantly, an ass like an eight-year-old boy. Her loose past made her infinitely more attractive, but the fact that she voluntarily slept with douchey husband Steven made her borderline revolting and, consequently, results in her being ranked arguably lower than warranted on this list. But, man, fuck Steven.
CLAIR HUXTABLE (The Cosby Show)
If Clair Huxtable's career as a high-powered, overly shoulder-padded attorney hadn't of worked out as well as it did, she would've had a promising career as America's most sought-after phone sex operator. And on top of that, "The Voice," as she's known among phone sex connoisseurs, had the good looks and fly Jerry curl to match. You won't get to hear Clair's lusty whisper in this clip, but fortunately, you will get to see one of her signature paramilitary jumpsuits. (Trust us, jumpsuits were the cat's pajamas in the '80s. So was saying "the cat's pajamas." We swear.)
KATE SUMMERS STRATTON (Silver Spoons)
As the personal assistant to wealthy toy company owner Edward Stratton III, Kate Summers embodied the voice of reason as her boss struggled to raise his young son, Ricky. Well, the voice of reason is the fucking man, then, because by the third season, Kate was hog-slamming Edward every chance she got, eventually becoming the boss' wife. An added bonus: Kate is one of the few '80s sitcom MILFs whose hairdo isn't ridiculously obsolete. Unlike, say, Alf 's Kate Tanner, you'd be proud to show up with this cougar on your arm at your office party/D&D game/parole hearing.
MARSHA OWENS (Mr. Belvedere)
While most sitcom fans in the '80s chose to watch "good" shows starring "heterosexual teens," a discerning few of us were treated to the glorious visage of Marsha Owens. As the matriarch of the Owens family, Marsha was faced with demanding daily tasks like administering Wesley's testosterone shots, mixing Bob Euker's morning Tom Collins, and chasing Mr. Belvedere away from the kids' underwear drawers with a hose. But despite the demands of motherhood, Marsha, and her fabulous bangs, managed to look fantastic, even when covered from head to toe in outfits that, apparently, were made entirely of quilts.
PEGGY BUNDY (Married... With Children)
Considering the fact that his mother looked like a Milwaukee streetwalker, Bud Bundy had surprisingly few friends. Perhaps it was because any 13-year-old male who entered that house was leaving with a ruined pair of pants, and there's just no good way to explain said pants to one's parents. Peg Bundy was exactly what young lads in the '80s prayed to God Almighty would open the door when visiting a friend's house for Nintendo, Sunny D, and, God willing, some steamy mom-sex. Unfortunately, Peg never answered the door in real life, so it was back to the bean-bag chair in the basement and the ashamed chubbies that were brought on, for so very many of us, by this classy, spandex-pantsed beaut of a mom.
