17 Predictions For the New Season of LOST

1. Dozens of condoms are found in a box; Locke makes an inappropriate joke about lube.

2. A Starbucks is opened on the island.

3. But it's always closed.

4. All the women characters' periods line up, which is followed by a series of catfights, followed by the surfacing of latent lesbianism.

5. Wasps! Everywhere!

6. Hurley will start over-using one of two catchphrases: "I just can't deal with this shit." Or, "The buck stops here."

7. Corpse of Emilia Earhart is found and made into a puppet. The puppet show gets very old very fast.

8. John Locke will start dry humping unsuspecting people to prove his superiority.

9. "The Others" will start a steel-drum band, but disband three episodes later over "creative differences."

10. According to Jim crossover episode (very funny).

11. Characters named Thom Kant and Merv Nietzsche will appear in the trees.

12. Not-so-subtle Lincoln/Mercury product placement.

13. Executives from the GREG Initiative arrive in Volvos and suck all the fun out of the place.

14. A crate of Bagel Bites are found on the island, causing a whole new series of conflicts; much blood is spilt.

15. Seven mysterious hand jobs are given.

16. For the first time, we see someone poop. It is Rousseau.

17. Many more questions arise. Nothing is resolved. All the writers and producers die in a freak hang gliding accident and Lost fans are forced to find comfort in Grey's Anatomy, or alcoholism.